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(Tales and Novels, 1746)
DIVERTING in extreme there is a play, | |
| Which oft resumes its fascinating sway; | |
| Delights the sex, or ugly, fair, or sour; | |
| By night or day:—’tis sweet at any hour. | |
| The frolick, ev’ry where is known to fame; | 5 |
| Conjecture if you can, and tell its name. | |
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| This play’s chief charm to husbands is unknown, | |
| ’Tis with the lover it excels alone; | |
| No lookers-on, as umpires, are required; | |
| No quarrels rise, though each appears inspired; | 10 |
| All seem delighted with the pleasing game:— | |
| Conjecture if you can, and tell its name. | |
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| Be this as ’twill, and called whate’er it may, | |
| No longer trifling with it I shall stay, | |
| But now disclose a method to transmit | 15 |
| (As oft we find) to ninnies sense and wit. | |
| Till Alice got instruction in this school, | |
| She was regarded as a silly fool, | |
| Her exercise appeared to spin and sew:— | |
| Not hers indeed, the hands alone would go; | 20 |
| For sense or wit had in it no concern; | |
| Whate’er the foolish girl had got to learn, | |
| No part therein could ever take the mind; | |
| Her doll, for thought, was just as well designed. | |
| The mother would, a hundred times a day, | 25 |
| Abuse the stupid maid, and to her say:— | |
| Go wretched lump and try some wit to gain. | |
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| The girl, quite overcome with shame and pain, | |
| Her neighbours asked to point her out the spot, | |
| Where useful wit by purchase might be got. | 30 |
| The simple question laughter raised around; | |
| At length they told her, that it might be found | |
| With father Bonadventure, who’d a stock, | |
| Which he at times disposed of to his flock. | |
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| Away in haste she to the cloister went, | 35 |
| To see the friar she was quite intent, | |
| Though trembling lest she might disturb his ease, | |
| And one of his high character displease. | |
| The girl exclaimed, as on she moved,—Will he | |
| Such presents willingly bestow on me, | 40 |
| Whose age, as yet, has scarcely reached fifteen? | |
| With such can I be worthy to be seen? | |
| Her innocence much added to her charms, | |
| The gentle wily god of soft alarms | |
| Had not a youthful maiden in his book, | 45 |
| That carried more temptation in her look. | |
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| Most rev’rend sir, said she, by friends I’m told, | |
| That in this convent wit is often sold, | |
| Will you allow me some on trust to take? | |
| My treasure won’t afford that much I stake; | 50 |
| I can return if more I should require; | |
| Howe’er, you’ll take this pledge I much desire; | |
| On which she tried to give the monk a ring, | |
| That to her finger firmly seemed to cling. | |
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| But when the friar saw the girl’s design, | 55 |
| He cried, good maid, the pledge we will decline, | |
| And what is wished, provide for you the same; | |
| ’Tis merchandise, and whatsoe’er its fame, | |
| To some ’tis freely giv’n:—to others taught: | |
| If not too dear, oft better when ’tis bought. | 60 |
| Come in and boldly follow where I lead; | |
| None round can see: you’ve nothing here to heed; | |
| They’re all at prayers; the porter’s at my will; | |
| The very walls, of prudence have their fill. | |
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| She entered as the holy monk desired, | 65 |
| And they together to his cell retired. | |
| The friar on the bed this maiden threw; | |
| A kiss would take:—she from him rather drew, | |
| And said:—To give one wit is this the way? | |
| Yes, answered he, and round her ’gan to play. | 70 |
| Upon her bosom then he put his hand:— | |
| What now, said she, am I to understand? | |
| Is this the way?—Said he, ’tis so decreed; | |
| Then patiently she let the monk proceed, | |
| Who followed up, from point to point, his aim, | 75 |
| And wit, by easy steps, advancing came, | |
| Till its progression with her was complete; | |
| Then Alice laughed, success appeared so sweet. | |
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| A second dose the friar soon bestowed, | |
| And e’en a third, so fast his bounty flowed. | 80 |
| Well, said the monk, pray how d’ye find the play? | |
| The girl replied: wit will not long delay; | |
| ’Twill soon arrive;—but then I fear its flight: | |
| I’m half afraid ’twill leave me ere ’tis night. | |
| We’ll see, rejoined the priest, that nought you lose; | 85 |
| But other secrets oftentimes we use. | |
| Seek not those the smiling girl replied; | |
| With this most perfectly I’m satisfied; | |
| Then be it so, said he, we’ll recommence, | |
| Nor longer keep the business in suspense, | 90 |
| But to the utmost length at once advance; | |
| For this fair Alice showed much complaisance: | |
| The secret by the friar was renewed; | |
| Much pleasure in it Bonadventure viewed; | |
| The belle a courtesy dropt, and then retired, | 95 |
| Reflecting on the wit she had acquired; | |
| Reflecting, do you say?—To think inclined? | |
| Yes, even more:—she sought excuse to find, | |
| Not doubting that she should be forced to say, | |
| Some cause for keeping her so long away. | 100 |
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| Two days had passed, when came a youthful friend; | |
| Fair Nancy with her often would unbend; | |
| Howe’er, so very thoughtful Alice seemed, | |
| That Nancy (who was penetrating deemed) | |
| Was well convinced whatever Alice sought, | 105 |
| So very absent she was not for naught. | |
| In questioning she managed with such art, | |
| That soon she learned—what Alice could impart: | |
| To listen she was thoroughly disposed, | |
| While t’other ev’ry circumstance disclosed, | 110 |
| From first to last, each point and mystick hit, | |
| And e’en the largeness of the friar’s wit, | |
| The repetitions, and the wondrous skill | |
| With which he managed ev’rything at will. | |
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| But now, cried Alice, favour me I pray, | 115 |
| And tell at once, without reserve, the way | |
| That you obtained such wit as you possess, | |
| And all particulars to me confess. | |
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| If I, said Nancy, must avow the truth, | |
| Your bounteous Alan was the bounteous youth, | 120 |
| Who me obliged therewith, and freely taught, | |
| What from the holy friar you’d have bought. | |
| My brother Alan!—Alan! Alice cried; | |
| He ne’er with any was himself supplied; | |
| I’m all surprise; he’s thought a heavy clot, | 125 |
| How could he give what he had never got? | |
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| Fool! said the other, little thou can’st know; | |
| For once, to me some information owe; | |
| In such a case much skill is not required, | |
| And Alan freely gave what I desired. | 130 |
| If me thou disbeliev’st, thy mother ask; | |
| She thoroughly can undertake the task. | |
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| On such a point we readily should say, | |
| Long live the fools who wit so well display! | |
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