IN Truth and Honour’s name.—Amen. | |
| Know all men by these presents plain, | |
| The twelfth of May, at Mauchline given, | |
| The year ’tween eighty-five and seven; | |
| We, old practitioners by profession, | 5 |
| As per extracts frae Books o’ Session, | |
| In way and manner here narrated, | |
| All con amore congregated, | |
| Are by our brethren constituted | |
| A Court of Equity; deputed, | 10 |
| With special authorised direction | |
| To take within our strict protection | |
| The open stay-laced quondam maiden, | |
| With growing life, and anguish laden, | |
| Who by the miscreant is denied | 15 |
| That led her thoughtless steps aside. | |
| He who disowns the ruin’d fair one | |
| And for her wants and woes doth care none; | |
| The wretch who can deny subsistence | |
| To life he raked into existence; | 20 |
| The coof wha stands on clishmaclaver, | |
| When lasses halflins offer favour; | |
| The sneak wha, at a lasses by-job | |
| Defrauds her wi’ a frig or dry-bob; | |
| The knave who takes a private stroke | 25 |
| Beneath his sanctimonious cloak— | |
| In short, all who in any manner, | |
| Shall stain the Fornicator’s Honour,— | |
| To take cognizance there anent, | |
| We are the judges competent. | 30 |
| |
| First,—poet BURNS he takes the chair, | |
| Allow’d by all, his title’s clear; | |
| He shows a duplicate pretension | |
| To pass nem. con—without dissension. | |
| |
| Next, merchant Smith, our trusty fiscal, | 35 |
| To cow each pertinacious rascal; | |
| In this his very foes admit | |
| His merit is conspicuous great. | |
| |
| Richmond, the third, our worthy clerk, | |
| Our minutes he will duly mark; | 40 |
| A fit dispenser o’ the law, | |
| In absence o’ the other twa. | |
| |
| And fourth, our messenger at arms, | |
| When failing a’ the milder terms, | |
| Hunter, a willing, hearty brither, | 45 |
| Weel skilled in dead and living leather. | |
| |
| Without preamble less or more said, | |
| We—body politic aforesaid— | |
| Shall now, wi’ due “whereas” and “wherefore,” | |
| Dispatch the business we cam here for, | 50 |
| And punish contravening truants, | |
| At instance of our constituents; | |
| And thus, by proper regulation, | |
| We’ll purge the lists of fornication. | |
| |
| Our fiscal here, by his petition | 55 |
| Informs us there is strong suspicion | |
| That coachman Dow, and clocky Brown— | |
| Baith residenters in this town,— | |
| In other words, you, Jock and Sandy, | |
| Hae been at warks o’ Houghmagandie; | 60 |
| And now when facts are brought to light, | |
| Those facts ye baith deny outright. | |
| |
| First, clocky Brown, there’s witness borne, | |
| And affidavit made and sworn | |
| Last Mauchline February Fair | 65 |
| That Jeanie’s masts ye laid them bare; | |
| For ye had furled up her sails | |
| And was at play o’ heads and tails | |
| And that ye wroucht a hurly-burly | |
| In Jeanie Mitchell’s tirly-wurly: | 70 |
| |
| That ye her pend’lum tried to alter | |
| And graizled at her regulator: | |
| And further still, ye cruel vandal!— | |
| A tale might e’en in hell be scandal— | |
| That ye hae made repeated trials | 75 |
| Wi’ dregs and droggs in doctor’s vials | |
| Mixt, as ye thought, in fell infusion, | |
| Your ain-begotten wean to poison; | |
| And yet ye are sae scant o’ grace | |
| As daur to lift your brazen face | 80 |
| And offer there to give your aith | |
| Ye never lifted Jeanie’s claith. | |
| |
| Next, Sandy Dow, ye are indicted— | |
| As publicly ye hae been wyted— | |
| For aft clandestinely up-whirlin’ | 85 |
| The petticoats of Maggy’s Borlan’; | |
| And gien her cannister a rattle | |
| That months hereafter winna settle, | |
| And yet, ye loon, ye still protest, | |
| Ye never herried Maggy’s nest; | 90 |
| Tho’ it’s weel-kenn’d that at her gyvel | |
| Ye’ve done what Time will soon unravel. | |
| |
| Then, Brown and Dow, above designed | |
| For clags and claims hereto subjoined | |
| The Court aforesaid cite and summon | 95 |
| That on the fourth of June just comin’, | |
| The hour of cause, in our court-ha’ | |
| At Whitefoord Arms, ye’ll answer a’; | |
| Exculpate proof ye needna bring | |
| For we’re resolved about the thing,— | 100 |
| Yet, as reluctantly we punish, | |
| And rather would with zeal admonish, | |
| We, for that ancient secret sake | |
| You have the honour to partake, | |
| And for that noble badge you wear,— | 105 |
| You, Sandy Dow, our brother dear, | |
| We give you, as a man and mason, | |
| This serious, sober, friendly lesson: | |
| Your crime, a manly deed we trow it, | |
| As man alone can rightly do it, | 110 |
| And he’s nae man that won’t avow’t. | |
| |
| Therefore, confess, and join our core | |
| And keep reproach outside the door. | |
| The best o’ men hae been surprised, | |
| The doucest women been advised, | 115 |
| The cleverest lads hae had a trick o’t, | |
| The boniest lasses taen a lick o’t; | |
| Kings hae been proud our name to own— | |
| The brightest jewel in their crown; | |
| The rhyming sons o’ bleak Parnassus, | 120 |
| Were ay red-wud about the lasses, | |
| And soul and body, all would venture, | |
| Rejoicing in our list to enter; | |
| E’en (wha wad trow’t?)—the cleric order | |
| Aft slyly break the hallow’d border, | 125 |
| And show-in [kittle/certain] time and place— | |
| They are as scant a’ boasted grace, | |
| As ony o’ the human race. | |
| So, Brother Dow, be not ashamed | |
| In sic a quorum to be named, | 130 |
| But lift a dauntless brow upon it, | |
| And say, “I am the man has done it,— | |
| I, Sandy Dow, gat Meg wi’ bairn, | |
| An’ fit to do as much again!” | |
| |
| For you, John Brown, sae black your faut is, | 135 |
| Sae double-dyed, we gie you notice, | |
| Without ye, by a quick repentance, | |
| Acknowledge Jean’s and your acquaintance | |
| Remember this shall be your sentence:— | |
| Our beagles to the Cross shall tak ye | 140 |
| And there shall mither-naked mak ye; | |
| Around the rump a rope they’ll tak, | |
| And tye your hands ahint your back, | |
| Wi’ jist an ell of string allow’d | |
| To jink and hide ye frae the crowd; | 145 |
| There shall ye stand a lawful seizure, | |
| Induring Jeanie Mitchell’s pleasure, | |
| So be her pleasure don’t surpass | |
| Five turnings o’ a hauf-hour glass; | |
| Nor shall it in her pleasure be | 150 |
| To turn you loose in less than three. | |
| This our futurum esse decreet, | |
| We mean not to be kept a secret, | |
| But in our Summons here insert it | |
| And whoso dare—let him subvert it! | 155 |
| |
| Thus, marked above, the date and place is, | |
| Sigillum est, per Burns the presis; | |
| This Summons, wi’ the Signet mark, | |
| Extractum est, per Richmond clerk; | |
| At Mauchline, idem date of May | 160 |
| ’Tween four and five, decline of day, | |
| You twa, in propria personæ, | |
| Before designed, Sandy and Johnie, | |
| This Summons, legally you’ve got it, | |
| As vide witness under-noted, | 165 |
| Within the house of John Dow, vintner, | |
| Nunc facia hoc GULLELMUS HUNTER. | |
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