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A Matrimonial Epic
JOHN DOBBINS was so captivated | |
| By Mary Trueman’s fortune, face, and cap, | |
| (With near two thousand pounds the hook was baited,) | |
| That in he popped to matrimony’s trap. | |
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| One small ingredient towards happiness, | 5 |
| It seems, ne’er occupied a single thought; | |
| For his accomplished bride | |
| Appearing well supplied | |
| With the three charms of riches, beauty, dress, | |
| He did not, as he ought, | 10 |
| Think of aught else; so no inquiry made he | |
| As to the temper of the lady. | |
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| And here was certainly a great omission; | |
| None should accept of Hymen’s gentle fetter, | |
| “For worse or better,” | 15 |
| Whatever be their prospect or condition, | |
| Without acquaintance with each other’s nature; | |
| For many a mild and quiet creature | |
| Of charming disposition, | |
| Alas! by thoughtless marriage has destroyed it. | 20 |
| So take advice; let girls dress e’er so tastily, | |
| Don’t enter into wedlock hastily | |
| Unless you can’t avoid it. | |
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| Week followed week, and, it must be confest, | |
| The bridegroom and the bride had both been blest; | 25 |
| Month after month had languidly transpired, | |
| Both parties became tired: | |
| Year after year dragged on; | |
| Their happiness was gone. | |
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| Ah! foolish pair! | 30 |
| “Bear and forbear” | |
| Should be the rule for married folks to take. | |
| But blind mankind (poor discontented elves!) | |
| Too often make | |
| The misery of themselves. | 35 |
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| At length the husband said, “This will not do! | |
| Mary, I never will be ruled by you; | |
| So, wife, d’ ye see? | |
| To live together as we can’t agree. | |
| Suppose we part!” | 40 |
| With woman’s pride, | |
| Mary replied, | |
| “With all my heart!” | |
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| John Dobbins then to Mary’s father goes, | |
| And gives the list of his imagined woes. | 45 |
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| “Dear son-in-law!” the father said, “I see | |
| All is quite true that you ’ve been telling me; | |
| Yet there in marriage is such strange fatality, | |
| That when as much of life | |
| You shall have seen | 50 |
| As it has been | |
| My lot to see, I think you ’ll own your wife | |
| As good or better than the generality. | |
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| “An interest in your case I really take, | |
| And therefore gladly this agreement make: | 55 |
| An hundred eggs within this basket lie, | |
| With which your luck, to-morrow, you shall try; | |
| Also my five best horses, with my cart; | |
| And from the farm at dawn you shall depart. | |
| All round the country go, | 60 |
| And be particular, I beg; | |
| Where husbands rule, a horse bestow, | |
| But where the wives an egg. | |
| And if the horses go before the eggs, | |
| I ’ll ease you of your wife,—I will,—I’ fegs!” | 65 |
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| Away the married man departed, | |
| Brisk and light-hearted: | |
| Not doubting that, of course, | |
| The first five houses each would take a horse. | |
| At the first house he knocked, | 70 |
| He felt a little shocked, | |
| To hear a female voice, with angry roar, | |
| Scream out,—“Hullo! | |
| Who ’s there below? | |
| Why, husband, are you deaf? go to the door, | 75 |
| See who it is, I beg.” | |
| Our poor friend John | |
| Trudged quickly on, | |
| But first laid at the door an egg. | |
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| I will not all this journey through | 80 |
| The discontented traveller pursue; | |
| Suffice it here to say | |
| That when his first day’s task was nearly done, | |
| He ’d seen an hundred husbands, minus one, | |
| And eggs just ninety-nine had given away. | 85 |
| “Ha! there ’s a house where he I seek must dwell,” | |
| At length cried John; “I ’ll go and ring the bell.” | |
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| The servant came,—John asked him, “Pray, | |
| Friend, is your master in the way?” | |
| “No,” said the man, with smiling phiz, | 90 |
| “My master is not, but my mistress is; | |
| Walk in that parlor, sir, my lady ’s in it: | |
| Master will be himself there—in a minute.” | |
| The lady said her husband then was dressing, | |
| And, if his business was not very pressing, | 95 |
| She would prefer that he should wait until | |
| His toilet was completed; | |
| Adding, “Pray, sir, be seated.” | |
| “Madam, I will,” | |
| Said John, with great politeness; “but I own | 100 |
| That you alone | |
| Can tell me all I wish to know; | |
| Will you do so? | |
| Pardon my rudeness, | |
| And just have the goodness | 105 |
| (A wager to decide) to tell me—do— | |
| Who governs in this house,—your spouse or you?” | |
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| “Sir,” said the lady, with a doubting nod, | |
| “Your question is very odd; | |
| But as I think none ought to be | 110 |
| Ashamed to do their duty (do you see?) | |
| On that account I scruple not to say | |
| It always is my pleasure to obey. | |
| But here ’s my husband (always sad without me); | |
| Take not my word, but ask him, if you doubt me.” | 115 |
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| “Sir,” said the husband, “’t is most true; | |
| I promise you, | |
| A more obedient, kind, and gentle woman | |
| Does not exist.” | |
| “Give us your fist,” | 120 |
| Said John, “and, as the case is something more than common, | |
| Allow me to present you with a beast | |
| Worth fifty guineas at the very least. | |
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| “There ’s Smiler, sir, a beauty, you must own, | |
| There ’s Prince, that handsome black, | 125 |
| Ball the gray mare, and Saladin the roan, | |
| Besides old Dunn; | |
| Come, sir, choose one; | |
| But take advice from me, | |
| Let Prince be he; | 130 |
| Why, sir, you ’ll look the hero on his back.” | |
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| I ’ll take the black, and thank you too.” | |
| “Nay, husband, that will never do; | |
| You know, you ’ve often heard me say | |
| How much I long to have a gray; | 135 |
| And this one will exactly do for me.” | |
| “No, no,” said he; | |
| “Friend, take the four others back, | |
| And only leave the black.” | |
| “Nay, husband, I declare | 140 |
| I must have the gray mare;” | |
| Adding (with gentle force), | |
| “The gray mare is, I ’m sure, the better horse.” | |
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| “Well, if it must be so,—good sir, | |
| The gray mare we prefer; | 145 |
| So we accept your gift.” John made a leg: | |
| “Allow me to present you with an egg; | |
| ’T is my last egg remaining, | |
| The cause of my regaining, | |
| I trust, the fond affection of my wife, | 150 |
| Whom I will love the better all my life. | |
| “Home to content has her kind father brought me; | |
| I thank him for the lesson he has taught me.” | |
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