| |
(To an Almanac of Twelve Sports by W. Nicholson, 1898.)
HERE is a horse to tame | |
| Here is a gun to handle— | |
| God knows you can enter the game | |
| If you’ll only pay for the same, | |
| And the price of the game is a candle— | 5 |
| A single flickering candle! | |
| |
| JANUARY (Hunting) Certes, it is a noble sport, | |
| And men have quitted selle and swum for’t. | |
| But I am of the meeker sort | |
| And I prefer Surtees in comfort. | 10 |
| |
| Reach me my Handley Cross again, | |
| My run, where never danger lurks, is | |
| With Jorrocks and his deathless train— | |
| Pigg, Binjimin, and Artexerxes. | |
| |
| FEBRUARY (Coursing) Most men harry the world for fun— | 15 |
| Each man seeks it a different way, | |
| But “of all daft devils under the sun, | |
| A greyhound’s the daftest” says Jorrocks J. | |
| |
| MARCH (Racing) The horse is ridden—the jockey rides— | |
| The backers back—the owners own | 20 |
| But … there are lots of things beside, | |
| And I should let this game alone. | |
| |
| APRIL (Rowing) The Pope of Rome he could not win | |
| From pleasant meats and pleasant sin | |
| These who, replying not, submit | 25 |
| Unto the curses of the pit | |
| Which that stern coach (oh, greater shame) | |
| Flings forth by number not by name. | |
| Can Triple Crown or Jesuit’s oath | |
| Do what one wrathful trainer doth? | 30 |
| |
| MAY (Fishing) Behold a parable. A fished for B | |
| C took her bait; her heart being set on D. | |
| Thank heaven who cooled your blood and cramped your wishes, | |
| Men and not Gods torment you, little fishes! | |
| |
| JUNE (Cricket) Thank God who made the British Isles | 35 |
| And taught me how to play, | |
| I do not worship crocodiles, | |
| Or bow the knee to clay! | |
| Give me a willow wand and I | |
| With hide and cork and twine | 40 |
| From century to century | |
| Will gambol round my shrine! | |
| |
| JULY (Archery) The child of the Nineties considers with laughter | |
| The maid whom his sire in the Sixties ran after, | |
| While careering himself in pursuit of a girl whom | 45 |
| The Twenties will dub a “last century heirloom.” | |
| |
| AUGUST (Coaching) The Pious Horse to church may trot, | |
| A maid may work a man’s salvation …. | |
| Four horses and a girl are not, | |
| However, roads to reformation. | 50 |
| |
| SEPTEMBER (Shooting) “Peace upon Earth, Goodwill to men” | |
| So greet we Christmas Day! | |
| Oh, Christian, load your gun and then | |
| Oh, Christian, out and slay. | |
| |
| OCTOBER (Golf) Why Golf is art and art is Golf | 55 |
| We have not far to seek— | |
| So much depends upon the lie, | |
| So much upon the cleek. | |
| |
| NOVEMBER (Boxing) Read here the moral roundly writ | |
| For him who into battle goes— | 60 |
| Each soul that hitting hard or hit, | |
| Endureth gross or ghostly foes. | |
| Prince, blown by many overthrows | |
| Half blind with shame, half choked with dirt | |
| Man cannot tell, but Allah knows | 65 |
| How much the other side was hurt! | |
| |
| DECEMBER (Skating) Over the ice she flies | |
| Perfect and poised and fair. | |
| Stars in my true-love’s eyes | |
| Teach me to do and dare. | 70 |
| Now will I fly as she flies— | |
| Woe for the stars that misled. | |
| Stars I beheld in her eyes, | |
| Now do I see in my head! | |
| |
| Now we must come away. | 75 |
| What are you out of pocket? | |
| ’Sorry to spoil your play | |
| But somebody says we must pay | |
| And the candle’s down to the socket— | |
| Its horrible tallowy socket. | 80 |
| |
