Nonfiction > Lionel Strachey, et al., eds. > The World’s Wit and Humor > American
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The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes.  1906.
Vols. I–V: American
 
A Modern Martyrdom
By Sam Walter Foss (1858–1911)
 
THE WEVERWEND Awthur Murway Gween
  They say is verwy clevah;
And sister Wuth could heah him pweach
  Fohevah and fohevah.
And I went down to heah him pweach,        5
  With Wuth and my Annette,
Upon the bwave, hewoic deaths
  The ancient mawtahs met;
And as he wepwesented them
  In all their acts and feachaws,        10
The ancient mawtahs, dontcherknow,
  Were doocid clevah cweachaws.
 
But, aw deah me! They don’t compah,
  In twue hewoic bwavewy,
To a bwave hewo fwiend of mine,        15
  Young Montmowenci Averwy.
He earned foah dollahs everwy week,
  And not anothah coppah;
But this bwave soul wesolved to dwess
  Pweeminently pwoppah.        20
So this was all the food each day
  The bwave young cweachaw had—
One glaws of milk, a cigawette,
  Foah cwackers, and some bwead.
 
He lived on foahteen cents a day,        25
  And cherwished one great passion:
The pwecious pwoject of his soul,
  Of being dwessed in fashion.
But when he’d earned a suit entiah,
  To his supweme chagwin,        30
Just then did shawt-tailed coats go out,
  And long-tailed coats come in;
But naught could bweak his wigid will,
  And now, I pway you, note,
That he gave up his glaws of milk        35
  And bought a long-tailed coat.
 
But then the fashion changed once moah,
  And bwought a gwievous plight;
It changed from twousers that are loose
  To twousers that are tight.        40
Then his foah cwackers he gave up,
  He just wenounced their use,
And changed to twousers that are tight
  From twousers that are loose.
And then the narrow-toed style shoes        45
  To bwoad-toed changed instead;
Then he pwocured a bwoad-toed paih,
  And gave up eating bwead.
 
Just then the bwoad-bwimmed style of hat
  To narrow bwims gave way;        50
And so his twibulations gwew,
  Incweasing everwy day.
But he pwocured a narwow bwim,
  Of verwy stylish set;
But bwave, bwave soul! he had to dwop        55
  His pwecious cigawette.
But now, when his whole suit confohmed
  To fashion’s wegulation,
For lack of cwackers, milk, and bwead,
  He perwished of stahvation.        60
 
Thus in his owah of victowy
  He passed on to his west.
I weally nevah saw a cawpse
  So fashionably dwessed.
My teahs above his well-dwessed clay        65
  Fell like the spwingtime wains;
My eyes had nevah wested on
  Such pwoppah dwessed wemains.
The ancient mawtahs, they were gwand
  And glowious in their day;        70
But this bwave Montmowenci was
  As gweat and gwand as they.
 
 
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