The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.
Karl Arnold Kortum (1745–1824)The Examination in Theology
H
And the clerisy held a convocation,
And every one came in his wig and robes
To the examination of Hieronimus Jobs.
Being to learning an utter stranger,
And what an anxious face he made,
The reader will not comprehend, I’m afraid.
If he ever in his life saw the hour for fainting,
That hour at last was approaching now,
Alas! thou poor Hieronimus, thou!
Of the clerical gentlemen whom the examination
Brought hither on the appointed day
From every quarter of Suabia.
In doctrine strong as a second Hector,
A stately, pot-bellied man was he,
Whom you saw at a glance an inspector to be.
Its burdens he bore with a patient spirit,
And, to say the truth, with a cheerful mood,
And daily ate and drank what was good.
A man whose breadth was somewhat lesser,
But height much greater; he was spare of limb,
And his disposition exceedingly grim.
But to matters of economy also attended,
And drank only bad wine and beer,
For his income was small and his habit severe.
Who was very well versed in many a church father,
And to prove a point could readily quote
Whatever any one of ’em wrote.
Who was, in postils, a perfect postilion;
Posted up in them as well as the best
Parson the Swabian land possessed.
And a tolerable Christian in walk and conversation,
In lecturing a terrible bore,
But always orthodox to the core.
Alike in the pulpit and in general society,
Free and easy; had no wife,
And led with his cook an exemplary life.
In his youth of a somewhat genial nature,
But when to preach he once began
He became a very pious man.
From vice and evil communication;
Faithful in season and out was he
To admonish, when he had opportunity.
In following his sheep through mud and mire.
But alas! in his flock, besides the lambs
Were likewise many stiff-necked old rams.
He instituted legal proceedings,
For he understood the law of the state
As well as the very best advocate.
Other clerical gentlemen attended the examination,
Whom I neither need nor can
Particularly designate man by man.
Had all come together in their places,
Præmissis præmittendis they
Round a great table sate straightway.
Before this assembly of white bands so ominous,
And scraped a greeting submissively.
Oh, wo, Hieronimus, wo on thee!
About his previous morals and manners,
And presently asked him whether he
Had a certificate from the university?
Handed the inspector the attestation,
Who read the same immediately.
Alas, Hieronimus, wo on thee!
In Latin and Greek, as here recorded,
And consequently not easy to read,
But, unfortunately, as ill luck decreed,
To give a substantial interpretation,
For no other clergyman in the hall
Dared undertake the task at all.
I will now give the reader full information
What Hieronimus’s certificate,
Word for word, did properly state.
And then, in larger hand, the letters
L. B. S., and the meaning of them
Was Lectori Benevolo Salutem!
As Theologiæ Studiosus,
During three years’ and some weeks’ space
Had his residence in this place;
To take his leave, and has made application
For a written certificate to me—
A step of great propriety—
But give hereby the attest he requires:
That the same did every quarter of a year
Once in my lecture-room appear.
Himself knows better than anybody,
For I in this official report
Assert and testify nothing of the sort.
There is not much to be said in his favor;
Entire silence on that point would be
The part of Christian charity.
On his journey home, and may Heaven lead him,
When all these earthly troubles are past,
To the place where he belongs at last!”
When the reading of this document ended!
And that Herr Hieronimus did not laugh,
The reader can imagine readily enough.
For this once to overlook the matter,
And for charity’s sake to find all the good
In the testimonial that they could.
How many of their tricks had not been detected,
And how, if they had, it had fared with them,
And so they proceeded at once ad rem.
Clearing the way with a mighty cough
Repeated thrice; thrice did he stroke
His portly paunch, and then he spoke:
And of the clergy present director,
Ask you, ‘Quid fit episcopus?’”
Straightway replied Hieronimus:
An altogether agreeable mixture
Of sugar, pomegranate juice, and red wine,
And for warming and strengthening very fine.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
“Herr Hieronimus, tell me, I desire,
Who the apostles may have been?”
Hieronimus quick made answer again:
In which wine and beer are kept for drinking
In the villages, and from them oft
By thirsty students liquor is quaffed.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
And “If you please, Master Candidate,” said he,
“Inform me who was St. Augustine?”
Hieronimus answered with open mien:
Is the one I used to know at college,
Augustine, the beadle of the university,
Who often before the president cited me.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
To know “Of how many parts a sermon consisted?
In other words, how many divisions may there be,
When it is written by rule?” said he.
Replied, “There are two parts to every sermon;
The one of these two parts no man
Can understand, but the other he can.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
And desired of Master Hieronimus information:
“What the Hebrew Kibbutz might be?”
Hieronimus’s answer was somewhat free:
Sophia’s tour from Memel to Saxony mention:
That she to the surly Kibbutz fell,
Because she refused the rich old swell.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
Who did of Hieronimus inquire,
“How many classes of angels he
Considered there might properly be?”
With all the angels to be acquainted,
But there was one of them he knew
On the Angel Tavern sign, painted blue.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
“Can you give, Sir Candidate, an enumeration
Of the concilia æcumenica?”
And Hieronimus answered, “Sir,
I was often cited before a body
Called a council, but it never seemed to me
To have anything to do with economy.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
The question he started seemed somewhat tougher,
It related “to the Manichean heresy,
And what their faith was originally.”
Did really think that without any cavils,
Before my departure my debts I’d pay off,
And in fact I did cudgel them soundly enough.”
There followed of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector said, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
For want of room I omit to mention;
For otherwise the protocol
Would exceed seven sheets, if given in full.
Polemical, and hermeneutical,
To which Hieronimus made reply
In the manner above, successively.
And other sciences ending in ology,
And whatever else to a clergyman may
Be put on examination day.
There would follow of heads a general shaking,
And first the inspector would say, “Hm, hm!”
Then the others, secundum ordinem.
Hieronimus by permission retired,
That the case might be viewed on every side,
And the council carefully decide
Of Hieronimus to the position
And class of candidates for the
Holy Gospel ministry.
But very soon, without much disputing,
The meeting was unanimous
That, under the circumstances, Hieronimus
As a candidate for ordination,
But for special reasons they thought it best
To let the matter quietly rest.
No stranger ever heard anything of it,
But everybody, early and late,
Held Hieronimus for a candidate.