The Worlds Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906. Vols. IV: American
Chimmie Fadden Makes Friends
By Edward Waterman Townsend (18551942)
From Chimmie Fadden
SAY, Im a dead easy winner to-day. See? Its a fiver, sure nough. Say, I could give Jay Gould weight fer age an lose im in a walk as a winner. See? Howd I collar it? Square. See? Dead square, an easy. Want it fer a story? Why sure.
Say, you know me. When I useter sell poipers, wasnt I a scrapper? Dats right, aint it? Was dere a kid on Park Row I didnt do? Sure! Well, say, dis mornin I seed a loidy I know crossin de Bowry. See? Say, shes a torrowbred, an dat goes. Say, do you know wot Ive seed her done? Ive seed her feedin dem kids wot gets free turk on Christmas by dose East Side missioners. Shes one of dem loidies wot comes down here an fixes up old women an kids coz dey likes it. Dats right.
Well, say, I was kinder lookin at er when I sees a mug wid a dyed mustache kinder jolt agin er, an he raises his dicer an grins. See? Say, dat sets me crazy. Lemme tell ye. Remember when de truck run over me toes? Well, I couldnt sell no poipers nor nutting den. See? Say, she was de loidy wot comes ter me room wid grub an reads ter me. Dats wot she done.
She was kinder white in de gills, but dere was fight in her eye. Say, when ye scrap ye watches de odder fellys eye, dont ye? Ye kin always see fight in de eye. Dats right. Well, say, dere was fight in her eye. When I speaks to her she kinder smiles, an says, Oh, dats you, is it, Chimmie?
Say, she remembered me name. Well, she says: If youll tump de mugno, dat wasnt wot she saysIf youll trash de cur Ill give ye somethin, an she pulled out her wad an flashed up a fiver. Den she says somethin about it not being Christian, but de example would be good. I dont know what she meaned, but dats straight. See? Wot she says goes, wedder Im on or not.
Den I went fer im. Say, I jolted im in de belly so suddent he was paralized. See? Den I give im de heel, an over he went in de mud, an me on top of im. Say, you should have seed us! Well, Id had his odder ear off if de cop hadnt snatched me.
Say, he ran me in, but it wasnt ten minutes before she come dere and squared me. See? When she got me outside she was kinder laffin an cryin, but she give me de fiver, an says, I hope de Lordll forgive me, Chimmie, for leadin ye into temptation, but ye done im brown.
Say, I knowed yed be paralyzed wen ye seed me in dis harness. Its up in G, aint it? Dats right. Say, remember me tellin ye bout de mug I tumped fer de loidy on de Bowry? de loidy wot give me de five and squared me wid de perlice? Dats right. Well, say, she is a torrowbred, an dat goes. See? Dat evenin wot dye tink she done? She brought is Whiskers ter see me.
Den de loidy she kinder smiledsay, yer otter seed er smile. Say, its cutter sight. Dats right. Well, she says: I tink I understan Chimmies langwudge, she says. E means e is de kid yuse lookin fer. Es de very mug.
Den is Whiskers gives me a song an dance bout me bein a brave young man fer tumpin der mug wot insulted is daughter, an bout is heart bein all broke dat is daughter should be doin missioner work in de slums.
Say, wouldnt de gang on de Bowry be paralized if dey seed me in dis harness? Aint it great? Sure! Wot am I doin? Well, Im doin pretty well. I had ter tump a felly dey calls de butler de first night I was dere for callin me a heathen. See? Say, deres a kid in de house wot opens de front door when youse ring de bell, an I win all is boodle de second night I was dere showin im how ter play Crusoe. Say, its a dead easy game, but de loidy she axed me not to bunco de farmersdeys all farmers up in dat house, dead farmersso I leaves em alone. Scuse me now, dats me loidy comin outter der shop. I opens de door of de carriage an she says, Home, Chames. Den I jumps on de box an strings de driver. Say, es a farmer, too. Ill tell you some more bout de game next time. So long.