How do I know? said Mr. Dooley. How do I know what I think? Im no combination iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th bat. A man needs to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdher trile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogan says. A large German man is charged with puttin his wife away into a breakfas-dish, an he says he didnt do it. Th question thin is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an rayjooce her to a quick lunch? Am I right?
Thats simple enough. What th Coort ought tove done was to call him up, an say: Lootgert, wheres yeer good woman? If Lootgert cuddent tell, he ought to be hanged on ginral principles; fr a man must keep his wife around th house, an whin she isnt there it shows hes a poor provider. But, if Lootgert says, I dont know where me wife is, the Coort shud say: Go out an find her. If ye cant projooce her in a week, Ill fix ye. An let that be th end iv it.
But what do they do? They get Lootgert into coort an stand him up befure a gang iv young rayporthers an th likes iv thim to make pitchers iv him. Thin they summon a jury composed iv poor tired, sleepy expressmen an tailors an clerks. Thin they call in a profissor from a colledge. Professor, says th lawyer fr the State, I put it to ye if a wooden vat three hundherd an sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep, an sivinty-five feet wide, an if three hundherd pounds iv caustic soda boiled, an if the leg iv a guinea-pig, an ye said yestherdah about bi-carbonate iv soda, an if it washes up an washes over, an th slimy, slippery stuff, an if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or a jawbone or a goluf ball across th cellar eleven feet nine inchesthat is, two inches this way an five gallons that? I agree with ye intirely, says th profissor. I made labratory experiments in an irn basin, with bichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an coal-tar, which I will call irn filings. I mixed th two over a hot fire, an left in a cool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, which I will call glue, an rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an obtained a dark, queer solution that is a cure fr freckles, which I will call antimony or doughnuts or annything I blamed please.
But, says th lawyer fr th State, measurin th vat with gasan I lave it to ye whether this is not th ony fair testan supposin that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an supposin that a thick green an hard substance, an I daresay it wud; an supposin you may, takin into account th measuremintstwelve be eightth vat bein wound with twine six inches frm th handle an a rub iv th green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage? In th winter, says th profissor. But th sisymoid bone is sometimes seen in th fut, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoid bones, which I will call poker dice, an shook thim together in a cylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I will call gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough-on-rats, which I rayfuse to call; but th raysult is th same. Question be th Coort: Different? Answer: Yis. Th Coort: Th same. Be Misther McEwen: Whose bones? Answer: Yis. Be Misther Vincent: Will ye go to th divvle? Answer: It dissolves th hair.
Now what I want to know is where th jury gets off. What has that collection iv pure-minded pathrites to larn frm this here polite discussion, where no wan is so crool as to ask what anny wan else means? Thank th Lord, whin th case is all over, the juryll pitch th tistimony out iv th window, an consider three questions: Did Lootgert look as though hed kill his wife? Did his wife look as though she ought so be kilt? Isnt it time we wint to supper? An, howiver they answer, theyll be right, an itll make little diffrence wan way or th other. Th German vote is too large an ignorant, annyhow.