I wud not, said Mr. Dooley. Tis too much like hard wurruk. If I iver got hold iv a little mound iv th money, divvle th bit iv hardship wud I inflict on mesilf. Id set on a large Turkish sofa an have dancin girls dancin an a mandolin orchesthree playin to me. I wuddent move a step without bein carrid. Id go to bed with th lark an get up with th night-watchman. If anny wan suggested physical exercise to me, Id give him forty dollars to go away. Id hire a prize-fighter to do me fightin fr me, a pedesthreen to do me walkin, a jockey to do me ridin, an a colledge pro-fissor to do me thinkin. Here Id set with a naygur fannin me with osterich feathers, lookin camly out through me stained-glass windies on th rollin-mills, smokin me good five-cint seegar an rejicin to know how bad ye mus be feelin ivry time ye think iv me hoorded wealth.
But that aint the way it comes out, Hinnissy. Higgins, th millyionaire, had th same idee as me whin he was beginnin to breed money with a dollar he ownded an a dollar he took frm some wan that wasnt there at th time. While he was hammerin hoops on a barl or dhrivin pegs into a shoe, hed stop wanst in awhile to wipe th sweat off his brow whin th boss wasnt lookin an hed say to himself: If I iver get it, Ill have a man wheel me around on a chair. But as his stable grows an he herds large dhroves down to th bank ivry week, he changes his mind, an whin hes got enough to injye life, as they say, he finds hes up against it. His throubles has just begun. I know in his heart Higginss ideel iv luxury is enough buckwheat cakes an a cozy corner in a Turkish bath, but he cant injye it. He mus be up an doin. An th ony things anny wan around him is up an doin is th things he used to get paid fr doin whin he was a young man.
Arly in th mornin Higgins has got to be out exercisin a horse to keep th horse in good health. Higgins has no business on a horse an he knows it. He was built an idycated fr a cooper, an th horse dont fit him. Th nachral way fr Higgins to ride a horse is to set well aft an hang onto th ears. But hes tol thats wrong an hes made to set up sthraight an be a good fellow an meet th horse half way. An if th horse dont run away with Higgins an kill him, hes tol its not a good horse an he ought to sell it. An mind ye, he pays fr that though he cant help raymimberin th man nex dure frm him used to get tin dollars a week fr th same job.
When he was a young man, Higgins knowed a fellow that dhruv four horses fr a brewery. They paid him well, but he hated his job. He used to come in at night an wish his parents had made him a cooper, an Higgins pitied him, knowin he cuddent get out a life-insurance policy an his wife was scared to death all th time. Now that Higgins has got th money, hes took th brewery mans job with worse horses an him barred fm dhrivin with more thin wan hand. An does he get annything fr it? On th conthry, Hinnissy, it sets him back a large forchune. An he says hes havin a good time, an if th brewery man come along an felt sorry fr him Higgins wuddent exactly know why.
Higgins has to sail a yacht raymimberin how he despised th Swede sailors that used to loaf in th saloon near his house durin th winter; he has to run an autymobill, which is th same thing as dhrivin a throlley car on a windy day, without pay; he has to play golf, which is th same thing as bein a letther-carryer without a dacint uniform; he has to play tennis, which is another wurrud fr batin a carpet; he has to race horses, which is the same thing as bein a bookmaker with th chances again ye; he has to go abroad, which is th same thing as bein an immigrant; he has to set up late, which is th same thing as bein a dhrug clerk; an he has to play cards with a man that knows how, which is th same thing as bein a sucker.
He takes his good times hard, Hinnissy. A rich man at spoort is a kind iv non-union laborer. He dont get wages fr it an he dont dhrive as well as a milkman, ride as well as a stable-boy, shoot as well as a polisman, or autymobill as well as th man that runs th steam-roller. Its a tough life. Theyse no rest fr th rich an weary.
Well be readin in th pa-apers wan iv these days: Alonzo Higgins, th runner up in las years champeenship, showed gr-reat improvement in this years bricklayin tournymint at Newport, an won handily with about tin square feet to spare. He was nobly assisted by Regynald Van Stinyvant, who acted as his hod-carryer an displayed all th agility which won him so much applause arlier in th year.
Th Pickaways carrid off all th honors in th sewer-diggin contest yesterdah, defatin th Spadewells be five holes to wan. Th shovel wurruk iv Cassidy th banker was spicially noticeable. Th colors iv th Pickaways was red flannel undhershirts an dark-brown trousers.
Raycreations iv rich men: Jawn W. Grates an J. Pierpont Morgan ar-re to have a five-days shinglin contest at Narragansett Pier. George Gold is thrainin fr th autumn plumbin jimkanny. Mitchigan Avnoo is tore up frm Van Buren Sthreet to th belt line in priparation fr th contest in sthreet-layin between numbers iv th Assocyation iv More-Thin-Rich Spoorts. Th sledge teams is completed, but a few good tampers an wather men is needed.
An why not, Hinnissy? If tis fun to wurruk, why not do some rale wurruk? If tis spoort to run an autymobill, why not run a locymotive? If dhrivin a horse in a cart is a game, why not dhrive a delivery wagon an carry things around? Sure, I spose th raison a rich man cant undherstand why wages shud go higher is because th rich cant see why annybody shud be paid fr annything so amusin as wurruk. I bet ye Higgins is wondherin at this moment why he was paid so much fr puttin rings around a barl.
No, sir, whats a rich mans raycreation is a poor mans wurruk. Th poor ar-re th ony people that know how to injye wealth. Me idee iv settin things sthraight is to have th rich who wurruk because they like it do th wurruk fr th poor who wud rather rest. Ill be happy th day I see wan iv th Hankerbilits pushin yeer little go-cart up th platform while ye set in th shade iv a three an cheer him on his way. Im sure hed do it if ye called it a spoort an tol him th first man t th dump wud be entitled to do it over again against sthronger men nex week. Wud ye give him a tin cup that he cud put his name on? Wud ye, Hinnissy? Im sure ye wud.
I dinnaw, said Mr. Dooley, onless it is that th wan great object iv ivry mans life is to get tired enough to sleep. Ivrything seems to be some kind iv wurruk. Wurruk is wurruk if yere paid to do it, an its pleasure if ye pay to be allowed to do it.