WHATEVER his motive might have been, Laurie studied to some purpose that year, for he graduated with honor, and gave the Latin oration with the grace of a Phillips and the eloquence of a Demosthenes, so his friends said. They were all there, his grandfather,oh, so proud!Mr. and Mrs. March, John and Meg, Jo and Beth, and all exulted over him with the sincere admiration which boys make light of at the time, but fail to win from the world by any after-triumphs.
I ve got to stay for this confounded supper, but I shall be home early to-morrow; you ll come and meet me as usual, girls? Laurie said, as he put the sisters into the carriage after the joys of the day were over. He said girls, but he meant Jo, for she was the only one who kept up the old custom; she had not the heart to refuse her splendid, successful boy anything, and answered warmly,
Evening meditation and morning work somewhat allayed her fears, and having decided that she would nt be vain enough to think people were going to propose when she had given them every reason to know what her answer would be, she set forth at the appointed time, hoping Teddy would nt do anything to make her hurt his poor feelings. A call at Megs, and a refreshing sniff and sip at the Daisy and Demijohn, still further fortified her for the tête-à-tête, but when she saw a stalwart figure looming in the distance, she had a strong desire to turn about and run away.
She always used to take his arm on these occasions; now she did not, and he made no complaint, which was a bad sign, but talked on rapidly about all sorts of far-away subjects, till they turned from the road into the little path that led homeward through the grove. Then he walked more slowly, suddenly lost his fine flow of language, and, now and then, a dreadful pause occurred. To rescue the conversation from one of the wells of silence into which it kept falling, Jo said hastily,
Something in his resolute tone made Jo look up quickly to find him looking down at her with an expression that assured her the dreaded moment had come, and made her put out her hand with an imploring,
Laurie was a young lover, but he was in earnest, and meant to have it out, if he died in the attempt; so he plunged into the subject with characteristic impetuosity, saying in a voice that would get choky now and then, in spite of manful efforts to keep it steady,
I ve loved you ever since I ve known you, Jo; could nt help it, you ve been so good to me. I ve tried to show it, but you would nt let me; now I m going to make you hear, and give me an answer, for I cant go on so any longer.
I know you did; but girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say No when they mean Yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it, returned Laurie, entrenching himself behind an undeniable fact.
I thought so; it was like you, but it was no use. I only loved you all the more, and I worked hard to please you, and I gave up billiards and everything you did nt like, and waited and never complained, for I hoped you d love me, though I m not half good enough here there was a choke that could nt be controlled, so he decapitated buttercups while he cleared his confounded throat.
Yes, you are; you re a great deal too good for me, and I m so grateful to you, and so proud and fond of you, I dont see why I cant love you as you want me to. I ve tried, but I cant change the feeling, and it would be a lie to say I do when I dont.
They were in the grove now, close by the stile; and when the last words fell reluctantly from Jos lips, Laurie dropped her hands and turned as if to go on, but for once in his life that fence was too much for him; so he just laid his head down on the mossy post, and stood so still that Jo was frightened.
O Teddy, I m so sorry, so desperately sorry, I could kill myself if it would do any good! I wish you would nt take it so hard. I cant help it; you know it s impossible for people to make themselves love other people if they dont, cried Jo inelegantly but remorsefully, as she softly patted his shoulder, remembering the time when he had comforted her so long ago.
That devilish Professor you were always writing about. If you say you love him, I know I shall do something desperate; and he looked as if he would keep his word, as he clenched his hands, with a wrathful spark in his eyes.
Dont swear, Teddy! He is nt old, nor anything bad, but good and kind, and the best friend I ve got, next to you. Pray, dont fly into a passion; I want to be kind, but I know I shall get angry if you abuse my Professor. I have nt the least idea of loving him or anybody else.
What shall I do with him? sighed Jo, finding that emotions were more unmanageable than she expected. You have nt heard what I wanted to tell you. Sit down and listen; for indeed I want to do right and make you happy, she said, hoping to soothe him with a little reason, which proved that she knew nothing about love.
Seeing a ray of hope in that last speech, Laurie threw himself down on the grass at her feet, leaned his arm on the lower step of the stile, and looked up at her with an expectant face. Now that arrangement was not conducive to calm speech or clear thought on Jos part; for how could she say hard things to her boy while he watched her with eyes full of love and longing, and lashes still wet with the bitter drop or two her hardness of heart had wrung from him? She gently turned his head away, saying, as she stroked the wavy hair which had been allowed to grow for her sake,how touching that was, to be sure!
I agree with mother that you and I are not suited to each other, because our quick tempers and strong wills would probably make us very miserable, if we were so foolish as to Jo paused a little over the last word, but Laurie uttered it with a rapturous expression,
No, I cant. I ve tried it and failed, and I wont risk our happiness by such a serious experiment. We dont agree and we never shall; so we ll be good friends all our lives, but we wont go and do anything rash.
There was a little quiver in Jos voice, and, thinking it a good omen, Laurie turned round, bringing all his persuasive powers to bear as he said, in the wheedlesome tone that had never been so dangerously wheedlesome before,
Not until months afterward did Jo understand how she had the strength of mind to hold fast to the resolution she had made when she decided that she did not love her boy, and never could. It was very hard to do, but she did it, knowing that delay was both useless and cruel.
Yes, you will! persisted Jo; you ll get over this after a while, and find some lovely, accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine mistress for your fine house. I should nt. I m homely and awkward and odd and old, and you d be ashamed of me, and we should quarrel,we cant help it even now, you see,and I should nt like elegant society and you would, and you d hate my scribbling, and I could nt get on without it, and we should be unhappy, and wish we had nt done it, and everything would be horrid!
I know better! broke in Laurie. You think so now; but there ll come a time when you will care for somebody, and you ll love him tremendously, and live and die for him. I know you will, it s your way, and I shall have to stand by and see it; and the despairing lover cast his hat upon the ground with a gesture that would have seemed comical, if his face had not been so tragical.
Yes, I will live and die for him, if he ever comes and makes me love him in spite of myself, and you must do the best you can! cried Jo, losing patience with poor Teddy. I ve done my best, but you wont be reasonable, and it s selfish of you to keep teasing for what I cant give. I shall always be fond of you, very fond indeed, as a friend, but I ll never marry you; and the sooner you believe it the better for both of us,so now!
For a minute Jos heart stood still, as he swung himself down the bank, toward the river; but it takes much folly, sin, or misery to send a young man to a violent death, and Laurie was not one of the weak sort who are conquered by a single failure. He had no thought of a melodramatic plunge, but some blind instinct led him to fling hat and coat into his boat, and row away with all his might, making better time up the river than he had done in many a race. Jo drew a long breath and unclasped her hands as she watched the poor fellow trying to outstrip the trouble which he carried in his heart.
That will do him good, and he ll come home in such a tender, penitent state of mind, that I shant dare to see him, she said; adding, as she went slowly home, feeling as if she had murdered some innocent thing, and buried it under the leaves.
Now I must go and prepare Mr. Laurence to be very kind to my poor boy. I wish he d love Beth; perhaps he may, in time, but I begin to think I was mistaken about her. Oh dear! how can girls like to have lovers and refuse them. I think it s dreadful.
Being sure that no one could do it so well as herself, she went straight to Mr. Laurence, told the hard story bravely through, and then broke down, crying so dismally over her own insensibility that the kind old gentleman, though sorely disappointed, did not utter a reproach. He found it difficult to understand how any girl could help loving Laurie, and hoped she would change her mind, but he knew even better than Jo that love cannot be forced, so he shook his head sadly, and resolved to carry his boy out of harms way; for Young Impetuositys parting words to Jo disturbed him more than he would confess.
When Laurie came home, dead tired, but quite composed, his grandfather met him as if he knew nothing, and kept up the delusion very successfully for an hour or two. But when they sat together in the twilight, the time they used to enjoy so much, it was hard work for the old man to ramble on as usual, and harder still for the young one to listen to praises of the last years success, which to him now seemed loves labor lost. He bore it as long as he could, then went to his piano, and began to play. The windows were open; and Jo, walking in the garden with Beth, for once understood music better than her sister, for he played the Sonata Pathétique, and played it as he never did before.
That s very fine, I dare say, but it s sad enough to make one cry; give us something gayer, lad, said Mr. Laurence, whose kind old heart was full of sympathy, which he longed to show, but knew not how.
Lord help me, yes, I do know, for I ve been through it all before, once in my own young days, and then with your father. Now, my dear boy, just sit quietly down, and hear my plan. It s all settled, and can be carried out at once, said Mr. Laurence, keeping hold of the young man, as if fearful that he would break away, as his father had done before him.
There is business in London that needs looking after; I meant you should attend to it; but I can do it better myself, and things here will get on very well with Brooke to manage them. My partners do almost everything; I m merely holding on till you take my place, and can be off at any time.
The old gentleman knew that perfectly well, and particularly desired to prevent it; for the mood in which he found his grandson assured him that it would not be wise to leave him to his own devices. So, stifling a natural regret at the thought of the home comforts he would leave behind him, he said stoutly,
I dont mean to be a marplot or a burden; I go because I think you d feel happier than if I was left behind. I dont intend to gad about with you, but leave you free to go where you like, while I amuse myself in my own way. I ve friends in London and Paris, and should like to visit them; meantime you can go to Italy, Germany, Switzerland, where you will, and enjoy pictures, music, scenery, and adventures to your hearts content.
Now, Laurie felt just then that his heart was entirely broken, and the world a howling wilderness; but at the sound of certain words which the old gentleman artfully introduced into his closing sentence, the broken heart gave an unexpected leap, and a green oasis or two suddenly appeared in the howling wilderness. He sighed, and then said, in a spiritless tone,
Being an energetic individual, Mr. Laurence struck while the iron was hot; and before the blighted being recovered spirit enough to rebel, they were off. During the time necessary for preparation, Laurie bore himself as young gentlemen usually do in such cases. He was moody, irritable, and pensive by turns; lost his appetite, neglected his dress, and devoted much time to playing tempestuously on his piano; avoided Jo, but consoled himself by staring at her from his window, with a tragical face that haunted her dreams by night, and oppressed her with a heavy sense of guilt by day. Unlike some sufferers, he never spoke of his unrequited passion, and would allow no one, not even Mrs. March, to attempt consolation or offer sympathy. On some accounts, this was a relief to his friends; but the weeks before his departure were very uncomfortable, and every one rejoiced that the poor, dear fellow was going away to forget his trouble, and come home happy. Of course, he smiled darkly at their delusion, but passed it by, with the sad superiority of one who knew that his fidelity, like his love, was unalterable.
When the parting came he affected high spirits, to conceal certain inconvenient emotions which seemed inclined to assert themselves. This gayety did not impose upon anybody, but they tried to look as if it did, for his sake, and he got on very well till Mrs. March kissed him, with a whisper full of motherly solicitude; then, feeling that he was going very fast, he hastily embraced them all round, not forgetting the afflicted Hannah, and ran downstairs as if for his life. Jo followed a minute after to wave her hand to him if he looked round. He did look round, came back, put his arms about her, as she stood on the step above him, and looked up at her with a face that made his short appeal eloquent and pathetic.
That was all, except a little pause; then Laurie straightened himself up, said, It s all right, never mind, and went away without another word. Ah, but it was nt all right, and Jo did mind; for while the curly head lay on her arm a minute after her hard answer, she felt as if she had stabbed her dearest friend; and when he left her without a look behind him, she knew that the boy Laurie never would come again.