THE GOLDEN RULE
Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
| Never resist temptation: prove all things: hold fast that which is good.|| 2|
| Do not love your neighbor as yourself. If you are on good terms with yourself it is an impertinence: if on bad, an injury.|| 3|
| The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.|| 4|
The art of government is the organization of idolatry.
| The bureaucracy consists of functionaries; the aristocracy, of idols; the democracy, of idolaters.|| 6|
| The populace cannot understand the bureaucracy: it can only worship the national idols.|| 7|
| The savage bows down to idols of wood and stone: the civilized man to idols of flesh and blood.|| 8|
| A limited monarchy is a device for combining the inertia of a wooden idol with the credibility of a flesh and blood one.|| 9|
| When the wooden idol does not answer the peasant’s prayer, he beats it: when the flesh and blood idol does not satisfy the civilized man, he cuts its head off.|| 10|
| He who slays a king and he who dies for him are alike idolaters.|| 11|
Kings are not born: they are made by artificial hallucination. When the process is interrupted by adversity at a critical age, as in the case of Charles II, the subject becomes sane and never completely recovers his kingliness.
| The Court is the servant’s hall of the sovereign.|| 13|
| Vulgarity in a king flatters the majority of the nation.|| 14|
| The flunkeyism propagated by the throne is the price we pay for its political convenience.|| 15|
If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a foot-rule can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage. As it is, the political problem remains unsolved.
| Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.|| 17|
| Democratic republics can no more dispense with national idols than monarchies with public functionaries.|| 18|
| Government presents only one problem: the discovery of a trustworthy anthropometric method.|| 19|
Excess of insularity makes a Briton an Imperialist.
| Excess of local self-assertion makes a colonist an Imperialist.|| 21|
| A colonial Imperialist is one who raises colonial troops, equips a colonial squadron, claims a Federal Parliament sending its measures to the Throne instead of to the Colonial Office, and, being finally brought by this means into insoluble conflict with the insular British Imperialist, “cuts the painter” and breaks up the Empire.|| 22|
LIBERTY AND EQUALITY
He who confuses political liberty with freedom and political equality with similarity has never thought for five minutes about either.
| Nothing can be unconditional: consequently nothing can be free.|| 24|
| Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.|| 25|
| The duke inquires contemptuously whether his gamekeeper is the equal of the Astronomer Royal; but he insists that they shall both be hanged equally if they murder him.|| 26|
| The notion that the colonel need be a better man than the private is as confused as the notion that the keystone need be stronger than the coping stone.|| 27|
| Where equality is undisputed, so also is subordination.|| 28|
| Equality is fundamental in every department of social organization.|| 29|
| The relation of superior to inferior excludes good manners.|| 30|
When a man teaches something he does not know to somebody else who has no aptitude for it, and gives him a certificate of proficiency, the latter has completed the education of a gentleman.
| A fool’s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.|| 32|
| The best brought-up children are those who have seen their parents as they are. Hypocrisy is not the parent’s first duty.|| 33|
| The vilest abortionist is he who attempts to mould a child’s character.|| 34|
| At the University every great treatise is postponed until its author attains impartial judgment and perfect knowledge. If a horse could wait as long for its shoes and would pay for them in advance, our blacksmiths would all be college dons.|| 35|
| He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.|| 36|
| A learned man is an idler who kills time with study. Beware of his false knowledge: it is more dangerous than ignorance.|| 37|
| Activity is the only road to knowledge.|| 38|
| Every fool believes what his teachers tell him, and calls his credulity science or morality as confidently as his father called it divine revelation.|| 39|
| No man fully capable of his own language ever masters another.|| 40|
| No man can be a pure specialist without being in the strict sense an idiot.|| 41|
| Do not give your children moral and religious instruction unless you are quite sure they will not take it too seriously. Better be the mother of Henri Quatre and Nell Gwynne than of Robespierre and Queen Mary Tudor.|| 42|
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
| Marriage is the only legal contract which abrogates as between the parties all the laws that safeguard the particular relation to which it refers.|| 44|
| The essential function of marriage is the continuance of the race, as stated in the Book of Common Prayer.|| 45|
| The accidental function of marriage is the gratification of the amoristic sentiment of mankind.|| 46|
| The artificial sterilization of marriage makes it possible for marriage to fulfil its accidental function whilst neglecting its essential one.|| 47|
| The most revolutionary invention of the XIX century was the artificial sterilization of marriage.|| 48|
| Any marriage system which condemns a majority of the population to celibacy will be violently wrecked on the pretext that it outrages morality.|| 49|
| Polygamy, when tried under modern democratic conditions, as by the Mormons, is wrecked by the revolt of the mass of inferior men who are condemned to celibacy by it; for the maternal instinct leads a woman to prefer a tenth share in a first rate man to the exclusive possession of a third rate one. Polyandry has not been tried under these conditions.|| 50|
| The minimum of national celibacy (ascertained by dividing the number of males in the community by the number of females, and taking the quotient as the number of wives or husbands permitted to each person) is secured in England (where the quotient is 1) by the institution of monogamy.|| 51|
| The modern sentimental term for the national minimum of celibacy is Purity.|| 52|
| Marriage, or any other form of promiscuous amoristic monogamy, is fatal to large States because it puts its ban on the deliberate breeding of man as a political animal.|| 53|
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
All scoundrelism is summed up in the phrase “Que Messieurs les Assassins commencent!”
| The man who has graduated from the flogging block at Eton to the bench from which he sentences the garotter to be flogged is the same social product as the garotter who has been kicked by his father and cuffed by his mother until he has grown strong enough to throttle and rob the rich citizen whose money he desires.|| 55|
| Imprisonment is as irrevocable as death.|| 56|
| Criminals do not die by the hands of the law. They die by the hands of other men.|| 57|
| The assassin Czolgosz made President McKinley a hero by assassinating him. The United States of America made Czolgosz a hero by the same process.|| 58|
| Assassination on the scaffold is the worst form of assassination, because there it is invested with the approval of society.|| 59|
| It is the deed that teaches, not the name we give it. Murder and capital punishment are not opposites that cancel one another, but similars that breed their kind.|| 60|
| Crime is only the retail department of what, in wholesale, we call penal law.|| 61|
| When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport: when the tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. The distinction between Crime and Justice is no greater.|| 62|
| Whilst we have prisons it matters little which of us occupy the cells.|| 63|
| The most anxious man in a prison is the governor.|| 64|
| It is not necessary to replace a guillotined criminal: it is necessary to replace a guillotined social system.|| 65|
Titles distinguish the mediocre, embarrass the superior, and are disgraced by the inferior.
| Great men refuse titles because they are jealous of them.|| 67|
There are no perfectly honorable men; but every true man has one main point of honor and a few minor ones.
| You cannot believe in honor until you have achieved it. Better keep yourself clean and bright: you are the window through which you must see the world.|| 69|
| Your word can never be as good as your bond, because your memory can never be as trustworthy as your honor.|| 70|
Property, said Proudhon, is theft. This is the only perfect truism that has been uttered on the subject.
When domestic servants are treated as human beings it is not worth while to keep them.
| The relation of master and servant is advantageous only to masters who do not scruple to abuse their authority, and to servants who do not scruple to abuse their trust.|| 73|
| The perfect servant, when his master makes humane advances to him, feels that his existence is threatened, and hastens to change his place.|| 74|
| Masters and servants are both tyrannical; but the masters are the more dependent of the two.|| 75|
| A man enjoys what he uses, not what his servants use.|| 76|
| Man is the only animal which esteems itself rich in proportion to the number and voracity of its parasites.|| 77|
| Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.|| 78|
| Domestic servants, by making spoiled children of their masters, are forced to intimidate them in order to be able to live with them.|| 79|
| In a slave state, the slaves rule: in Mayfair, the tradesman rules.|| 80|
HOW TO BEAT CHILDREN
If you strike a child, take care that you strike it in anger, even at the risk of maiming it for life. A blow in cold blood neither can nor should be forgiven.
| If you beat children for pleasure, avow your object frankly, and play the game according to the rules, as a foxhunter does; and you will do comparatively little harm. No foxhunter is such a cad as to pretend that he hunts the fox to teach it not to steal chickens, or that he suffers more acutely than the fox at the death. Remember that even in childbeating there is the sportsman’s way and the cad’s way.|| 82|
Beware of the man whose god is in the skies.
| What a man believes may be ascertained, not from his creed, but from the assumptions on which he habitually acts.|| 84|
VIRTUES AND VICES
No specific virtue or vice in a man implies the existence of any other specific virtue or vice in him, however closely the imagination may associate them.
| Virtue consists, not in abstaining from vice, but in not desiring it.|| 86|
| Self-denial is not a virtue: it is only the effect of prudence on rascality.|| 87|
| Obedience simulates subordination as fear of the police simulates honesty.|| 88|
| Disobedience, the rarest and most courageous of the virtues, is seldom distinguished from neglect, the laziest and commonest of the vices.|| 89|
| Vice is waste of life. Poverty, obedience, and celibacy are the canonical vices.|| 90|
| Economy is the art of making the most of life.|| 91|
| The love of economy is the root of all virtue.|| 92|
The love of fairplay is a spectator’s virtue, not a principal’s.
Greatness is only one of the sensations of littleness.
| In heaven an angel is nobody in particular.|| 95|
| Greatness is the secular name for Divinity: both mean simply what lies beyond us.|| 96|
| If a great man could make us understand him, we should hang him.|| 97|
| We admit that when the divinity we worshipped made itself visible and comprehensible we crucified it.|| 98|
| To a mathematician the eleventh means only a single unit: to the bushman who cannot count further than his ten fingers it is an incalculable myriad.|| 99|
| The difference between the shallowest routineer and the deepest thinker appears, to the latter, trifling; to the former, infinite.|| 100|
| In a stupid nation the man of genius becomes a god: everybody worships him and nobody does his will.|| 101|
BEAUTY AND HAPPINESS, ART AND RICHES
Happiness and Beauty are by-products.
| Folly is the direct pursuit of Happiness and Beauty.|| 103|
| Riches and Art are spurious receipts for the production of Happiness and Beauty.|| 104|
| He who desires a lifetime of happiness with a beautiful woman desires to enjoy the taste of wine by keeping his mouth always full of it.|| 105|
| The most intolerable pain is produced by prolonging the keenest pleasure.|| 106|
| The man with toothache thinks everyone happy whose teeth are sound. The poverty stricken man makes the same mistake about the rich man.|| 107|
| The more a man possesses over and above what he uses, the more careworn he becomes.|| 108|
| The tyranny that forbids you to make the road with pick and shovel is worse than that which prevents you from lolling along it in a carriage and pair.|| 109|
| In an ugly and unhappy world the richest man can purchase nothing but ugliness and unhappiness.|| 110|
| In his efforts to escape from ugliness and unhappiness the rich man intensifies both. Every new yard of West End creates a new acre of East End.|| 111|
| The XIX century was the Age of Faith in Fine Art. The results are before us.|| 112|
THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN
The fatal reservation of the gentleman is that he sacrifices everything to his honor except his gentility.
| A gentleman of our days is one who has money enough to do what every fool would do if he could afford it: that is, consume without producing.|| 114|
| The true diagnostic of modern gentility is parasitism.|| 115|
| No elaboration of physical or moral accomplishment can atone for the sin of parasitism.|| 116|
| A modern gentleman is necessarily the enemy of his country. Even in war he does not fight to defend it, but to prevent his power of preying on it from passing to a foreigner. Such combatants are patriots in the same sense as two dogs fighting for a bone are lovers of animals.|| 117|
| The North American Indian was a type of the sportsman warrior gentleman. The Periclean Athenian was a type of the intellectually and artistically cultivated gentleman. Both were political failures. The modern gentleman, without the hardihood of the one or the culture of the other, has the appetite of both put together. He will not succeed where they failed.|| 118|
| He who believes in education, criminal law, and sport, needs only property to make him a perfect modern gentleman.|| 119|
Moderation is never applauded for its own sake.
| A moderately honest man with a moderately faithful wife, moderate drinkers both, in a moderately healthy house: that is the true middle class unit.|| 121|
THE UNCONSCIOUS SELF
The unconscious self is the real genius. Your breathing goes wrong the moment your conscious self meddles with it.
| Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.|| 123|
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
| The man who listens to Reason is lost: Reason enslaves all whose minds are not strong enough to master her.|| 125|
Decency is Indecency’s Conspiracy of Silence.
Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.
| If we could learn from mere experience, the stones of London would be wiser than its wisest men.|| 128|
Those whom we called brutes had their revenge when Darwin shewed us that they are our cousins.
| The thieves had their revenge when Marx convicted the bourgeoisie of theft.|| 130|
Hell is paved with good intentions, not with bad ones.
| All men mean well.|| 132|
The Master of Arts, by proving that no man has any natural rights, compels himself to take his own for granted.
| The right to live is abused whenever it is not constantly challenged.|| 134|
FAUTE DE MIEUX
In my childhood I demurred to the description of a certain young lady as “the pretty Miss So and So.” My aunt rebuked me by saying “Remember always that the least plain sister is the family beauty.”
| No age or condition is without its heroes. The least incapable general in a nation is its Cæsar, the least imbecile statesman its Solon, the least confused thinker its Socrates, the least commonplace poet its Shakespear.|| 136|
Charity is the most mischievous sort of pruriency.
| Those who minister to poverty and disease are accomplices in the two worst of all the crimes.|| 138|
| He who gives money he has not earned is generous with other people’s labor.|| 139|
| Every genuinely benevolent person loathes almsgiving and mendicity.|| 140|
Life levels all men: death reveals the eminent.
Mutiny Acts are needed only by officers who command without authority. Divine right needs no whip.
WOMEN IN THE HOME
Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse.
Civilization is a disease produced by the practice of building societies with rotten material.
| Those who admire modern civilization usually identify it with the steam engine and the electric telegraph.|| 145|
| Those who understand the steam engine and the electric telegraph spend their lives in trying to replace them with something better.|| 146|
| The imagination cannot conceive a viler criminal than he who should build another London like the present one, nor a greater benefactor than he who should destroy it.|| 147|
The most popular method of distributing wealth is the method of the roulette table.
| The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.|| 149|
| Gambling promises the poor what Property performs for the rich: that is why the bishops dare not denounce it fundamentally.|| 150|
THE SOCIAL QUESTION
Do not waste your time on Social Questions. What is the matter with the poor is Poverty: what is the matter with the rich is Uselessness.
We are told that when Jehovah created the world he saw that it was good. What would he say now?
| The conversion of a savage to Christianity is the conversion of Christianity to savagery.|| 153|
| No man dares say so much of what he thinks as to appear to himself an extremist.|| 154|
| Mens sana in corpore sano is a foolish saying. The sound body is a product of the sound mind.|| 155|
| Decadence can find agents only when it wears the mask of progress.|| 156|
| In moments of progress the noble succeed, because things are going their way: in moments of decadence the base succeed for the same reason: hence the world is never without the exhilaration of contemporary success.|| 157|
| The reformer for whom the world is not good enough finds himself shoulder to shoulder with him that is not good enough for the world.|| 158|
| Every man over forty is a scoundrel.|| 159|
| Youth, which is forgiven everything, forgives itself nothing: age, which forgives itself everything, is forgiven nothing.|| 160|
| When we learn to sing that Britons never will be masters we shall make an end of slavery.|| 161|
| Do not mistake your objection to defeat for an objection to fighting, your objection to being a slave for an objection to slavery, your objection to not being as rich as your neighbor for an objection to poverty. The cowardly, the insubordinate, and the envious share your objections.|| 162|
| Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get. Where there is no ventilation fresh air is declared unwholesome. Where there is no religion hypocrisy becomes good taste. Where there is no knowledge ignorance calls itself science.|| 163|
| If the wicked flourish and the fittest survive, Nature must be the God of rascals.|| 164|
| If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience!|| 165|
| Compassion is the fellow-feeling of the unsound.|| 166|
| Those who understand evil pardon it: those who resent it destroy it.|| 167|
| Acquired notions of propriety are stronger than natural instincts. It is easier to recruit for monasteries and convents than to induce an Arab woman to uncover her mouth in public, or a British officer to walk through Bond Street in a golfing cap on an afternoon in May.|| 168|
| It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.|| 169|
| The Chinese tame fowls by clipping their wings, and women by deforming their feet. A petticoat round the ankles serves equally well.|| 170|
| Political Economy and Social Economy are amusing intellectual games; but Vital Economy is the Philosopher Stone.|| 171|
| When a heretic wishes to avoid martyrdom he speaks of “Orthodoxy, True and False” and demonstrates that the True is his heresy.|| 172|
| Beware of the man who does not return your blow: he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself.|| 173|
| If you injure your neighbor, better not do it by halves.|| 174|
| Sentimentality is the error of supposing that quarter can be given or taken in moral conflicts.|| 175|
| Two starving men cannot be twice as hungry as one; but two rascals can be ten times as vicious as one.|| 176|
| Make your cross your crutch; but when you see another man do it, beware of him.|| 177|
Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.
| If you begin by sacrificing yourself to those you love, you will end by hating those to whom you have sacrificed yourself. |