The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.
George Thomas Lanigan (1845–1886)The Amateur Orlando
I
(Kind reader, although your
Knowledge of French is not first-class,
Don’t call that Amature),
It was an Amateur Dram. Ass.,
The which did warfare wage
On the dramatic works of this
And every other age.
A leading juvenile,
First lady in book-muslin dressed,
With a galvanic smile;
Thereto a singing chambermaid,
Benignant heavy pa,
And, oh, heavier still was the heavy vill-
Ain, with his fierce “Hal ha!”
—Or up—to Boucicault,
These amateurs weren’t competent
(S. Wegg) to collar and throw.
And when the winter time came round—
“Season’s” a stagier phrase—
The Am. Dram. Ass. assaulted one
Of the Bard of Avon’s plays.
For the leading lady’s heart
Was set on playing Rosalind,
Or some other page’s part.
And the president of Am. Dram. Ass.,
A stalwart dry-goods clerk,
Was cast for Orlando, in which rôle
He felt he’d make his mark.
(All thoughtful was his face),
“When Orlando was taken by Thingummy,
That Charles was played by Mace.
Charles hath not many lines to speak;
Nay, not a single length;
Oh, if find we can a Mussulman
(That is, a man of strength),
And bring him on the stage as Charles—
But, alas! it can’t be did——”
“It can,” replied the treasurer;
“Let’s get The Hunky Kid.”
Belonged to the P. R.;
He always had his hair cut short,
And always had catarrh.
His voice was gruff, his language rough,
His forehead villainous low,
And ’neath his broken nose a vast
Expanse of jaw did show.
He was forty-eight about the chest,
And his forearm at the mid-
Dle measured twenty-one and a half—
Such was The Hunky Kid!
This pet of the P. R.;
As Charles the Wrestler, he’s to be
A bright particular star.
And when they put the program out,
Announce him thus they did:
Orlando …. M
Charles …. M
From pit to gallery,
As those who through the curtain peep
Quake inwardly to see.
A squeak’s heard in the orchestra,
The leader draws across
Th’ intestines of the agile cat
The tail of the noble hoss.
All is at sea behind the scenes;
Why do they fear and funk?
Alas! alas! The Hunky Kid
Is lamentably drunk!
He’s in that most unlovely stage
Of half-intoxication,
When men resent the hint they’re tight
As a personal imputation.
“Or we must cut the scene;
For Charles the Wrestler is imbued
With poisonous benzine,
And every moment gets more drunk
Than he before has been.”
Is much disguised in drink;
The stage to him’s an inclined plane,
The footlights make him blink.
Still strives he to act well his part
Where all the honor lies,
Though Shakespeare would not in his lines
His language recognize.
Instead of “Come, where is this young——?”
This man of bone and brawn,
He squares himself, and bellows, “Time!
Fetch your Orlandos on!”
Fair Rosalind, said she,
As the two wrestlers in the ring
They grappled furiously;
But Charles the Wrestler had no sense
Of dramatic propriety.
In Græco-Roman style;
He got what they call a grape-vine lock
On that leading juvenile.
He flung him into the orchestra,
And the man with the ophicleide,
On whom he fell, he just said—well,
No matter what, and died!
And found that it is sweet,
He has a habit of killing more
Than he can possibly eat.
And thus it was that The Hunky Kid,
In his homicidal blindness,
He lifted his hand against Rosalind
Not in the way of kindness.
He chased poor Celia off at L.,
At R. U. E., Le Beau,
And he put such a head upon Duke Fred,
In fifteen seconds or so,
That never one of the courtly train
Might his haughty master know.
And that’s precisely what came to pass
Because the luckless carls
Belonging to the Am. Dram. Ass.
Cast The Hunky Kid for Charles!