eng150_W03_Franklin Peck_changeEssayPeerReviewWorksheet
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Brigham Young University, Idaho *
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Course
150
Subject
English
Date
Dec 6, 2023
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docx
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Uploaded by Elizabeth_Jensen
ENG 150
Change Essay Peer Review Worksheet
Instructions:
1.
Keep in mind that your job is to simply read and respond as a reader—you are not
grading your partner, but you can give them valuable feedback about what makes
sense, what is confusing, and whether or not this feels like the assignment you’re both
working on.
2.
Please answer the questions below and, where possible, copy and paste examples from your
classmate’s essay.
Sections that are copied and pasted must be enclosed in quotation marks
(e.g. “my sister was the sunshine in our family”).
This is good practice for proper treatment of
another's words and also helps distinguish the peer's words from your comments so that they
can see exactly what is working well and what could be improved.
3.
Please be sure to use a professional tone. Sarcastic, rude, or condescending comments
are not appropriate (and also not Christlike). Try to “peer review unto others as you
would have them peer review unto you”—be clear, specific, and sincere!
Name of the classmate you reviewed:
Franklin Peck
Title of your classmate’s paper:
A Never Ending Change
Peer Review Questions
Peer Review Response
Introduction and conclusion
Is their title interesting and connected to their overall
change? If so, why do you like it? If not, what do you
think they could use for a title?
I think his title is intriguing and has a connection to the
overall theme of the essay. It suggests the idea that
change is a continuous process and can occur
throughout one's life. This title effectively
encapsulates the essay's message that the Gospel can
bring about profound and ongoing transformation.
However, the title could be made slightly more
engaging by adding a subtle touch or making it a bit
more specific to the author's experience. For instance,
something like "Unveiling the Unending
Transformation: My Missionary Journey" might add a
personal touch while still conveying the central theme.
Is the opening of the paper intriguing?
If so, what makes you want to keep reading?
If not, what is making it confusing, vague, or hard to
connect with?
What Makes It Intriguing:
The essay's opening paragraph touches upon several
points that make it somewhat intriguing. First, it
addresses a universally relatable theme, stating, "Life
is full of challenges. Nobody is exempt." This
acknowledgment immediately draws the reader into
the essay, as it is a theme that resonates with people
from all walks of life. Additionally, the paragraph
contains a personal confession that adds depth to the
narrative. The author openly admits that despite
having a testimony of the gospel, they primarily relied
ENG 150
Change Essay Peer Review Worksheet
on worldly assistance, creating a sense of curiosity
about their personal journey.
Room for Improvement:
However, there is room for improvement in the
opening. One notable aspect is the lack of a strong
hook. While the opening introduces the theme of life's
challenges and the author's reliance on worldly
assistance, it could benefit from a more compelling or
dramatic element to immediately capture the reader's
attention. This could be achieved through the inclusion
of a gripping story, a thought-provoking question, or a
powerful quote related to overcoming challenges.
Additionally, the paragraph could be enhanced by
providing more specific details or examples regarding
the author's past mistakes. This would help the reader
feel a stronger connection to the author's experiences
and struggles, ultimately making the opening more
engaging and relatable.
Does the end of the essay give closure by connecting
back to the beginning of the essay? Does the overall
change make sense at the end?
If so, fill in the template in the box next to this one (i.e.
At first this writer…).
If not, suggest ways they could make a clearer
connection back to the beginning and make the overall
change apparent throughout the essay.
At first, this writer
had a testimony of the gospel but
did not have a strong desire to use it. They primarily
relied on worldly assistance to deal with life's
challenges and did not believe that the gospel could
make a significant difference in their life.
But then,
during their missionary journey, they
encountered a struggling family in Australia. This
family was facing multiple challenges, including
addiction and the prospect of divorce, with six young
children involved.
And now,
after witnessing the transformative power
of the gospel in the lives of this family, the author's
perspective changed. They realized that the gospel
could bring about profound change, not just in
individuals but in entire families. This realization
prompted a shift in their mindset, and they embraced
the gospel as a powerful tool for personal growth and
transformation.
While the essay does provide a connection between
the beginning and the end by illustrating the author's
change in perspective regarding the gospel's power, it
could benefit from making this connection more
explicit. To enhance the clarity of this connection, the
author could reiterate the initial skepticism or
reluctance they had towards the gospel at the
beginning of the essay and contrast it more explicitly
with their changed perspective and newfound belief in
the gospel's transformative potential at the end. This
would help reinforce the theme of personal growth
and change throughout the essay.
Tone
ENG 150
Change Essay Peer Review Worksheet
Does the writer tell you exactly what to think about
the message of the essay (like a Sunday School lesson)
or do they let you interpret the meaning for yourself?
The writer, Franklin, allows readers to interpret the
meaning of the essay for themselves rather than
dictating what they should think, resembling a Sunday
School lesson. He shares personal experiences and
observations, inviting readers to draw their own
conclusions about the transformative power of the
Gospel.
For instance, Franklin narrates his personal
transformation and the impact of the Gospel on a
struggling family in Australia. Readers are presented
with the evidence of change through specific
examples, but Franklin does not explicitly instruct the
readers on what they should believe. Instead, he lets
readers make their own judgments about the
message.
Does the writer use “I” to describe their thoughts and
feelings or do they use language like “we” and “you”
that assumes their readers think/feel the same way
they do?
If so, point out a statement that reveals a lot about
their thoughts or feelings. If not, point out where they
are using “you” or “we” in an ineffective way.
Franklin effectively balances guiding the reader and
allowing personal interpretation in his essay. He avoids
imposing his viewpoint like a Sunday School lesson and
shares personal experiences for readers to draw their
own conclusions.
Throughout the essay, Franklin mainly uses "I" to
describe his thoughts and feelings. This provides
insight into his transformation and changing
perspective, as seen in the statement, "My false belief
that the Gospel didn’t really change anyone
immediately changed."
However, Franklin occasionally uses "we" and "you"
language that may assume shared beliefs, which could
alienate some readers. For instance, the assertion, "No
matter what happens in life or what struggles come
my way, I know to rely on my Savior," may not
resonate with those who don't share his faith.
To enhance inclusivity, Franklin could use language
that respects diverse viewpoints, expressing his
experiences without assuming shared beliefs.
Vivid Details
Does the story include one vivid moment where the
change happens? Are there other details that help you
see, smell, hear, touch, or feel the experience?
If so, give an example of an especially vivid detail from
their essay.
If not, give a suggestion for where you wish they
would include more details.
Yes, the essay includes a vivid moment where the
change happens. One particularly vivid detail in the
essay is when Franklin describes his encounter with a
struggling family in Australia. He vividly paints a
picture of their challenges, which helps readers see
and feel the experience. Here's an example:
"About six months before the end of my mission, I met
a family with a variety of problems. The husband was
struggling with three different addictions, and the wife
was prepared to divorce him, regardless of them
having six young children."
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ENG 150
Change Essay Peer Review Worksheet
This description provides a clear and evocative picture
of the family's dire situation, allowing readers to sense
the gravity of their challenges and setting the stage for
the transformative change that follows.
While the essay does include vivid details in this
particular instance, it could benefit from including
more sensory details throughout to further engage the
reader's senses and make the narrative even more
immersive. Adding sensory elements related to sights,
sounds, smells, and emotions in various parts of the
essay would enhance the reader's connection to the
experiences Franklin is sharing.
APA Formatting
Is the overall formatting correct (page numbers,
spacing, one inch margins, bolded title, etc.)? If not,
what is missing?
I see no page numbers but the spacing and margins
look correct. I so not believe anything is missing in
regards to the assignment’s requirements.
Encouragement & Advice
What are your partner’s overall strengths? What about
this essay makes you want to learn more about their
topic?
Do you know of any resources that might help your
classmate as they continue to write?
Franklin's essay has some notable strengths.
One of the most compelling aspects is the
personal connection he establishes with the
reader. By sharing his own experiences and
transformation during his missionary journey,
he invites us into his world and makes his
journey relatable and engaging. This personal
touch adds authenticity to the narrative and
keeps readers invested in the story.
Another strength is Franklin's ability to craft a
compelling anecdote. His description of
encountering a struggling family in Australia
is vivid and powerful. It serves as a real-life
example of the central theme of his essay,
which is the transformative power of the
Gospel. This anecdote piques our curiosity
and makes us want to learn more about how
the Gospel can bring about such profound
change.
Franklin also effectively conveys his message
throughout the essay. The idea that the
Gospel can bring about significant personal
change, not only in individuals but also in
ENG 150
Change Essay Peer Review Worksheet
families, is clear and impactful. His honesty
about his initial skepticism and his reflection
on how his perspective changed over time
add depth to the narrative and make it
relatable.
While there are many strengths in Franklin's
essay, there's room for improvement as well.
One aspect that could be enhanced is the
overall flow and organization. While the
transitions between different phases of his
journey are generally smooth, some parts
could benefit from a bit more polish to
ensure a seamless and engaging narrative.
In terms of resources that might help Franklin
in his writing journey, seeking feedback from
peers or classmates can be valuable. It can
provide fresh perspectives and suggestions
for improvement. Additionally, reading essays
and memoirs on similar topics can offer
inspiration and insights into effective
storytelling techniques. Ultimately, as
Franklin continues to write and share his
experiences, he'll likely refine his storytelling
skills even further.