A Country's First Duty to Its Citizens Is to Protect Them. Therefore It Is Logical That Defence Should Take Up a Significant Proportion of the National Budget.

1095 Words Aug 9th, 2013 5 Pages
first, i want to thank mr writefix for your advice on my recent essay : technology in prison. i wish i could become a child with simple thinking. this may help me to find the simplest way to generate ideas.
Here is another essay that i've done. could you give me some feedbacks if you have time ? thanks a lot. :D
"One solution to decline in moral values in today’s world would be for men and women to return to their traditional roles. To what extent do you agree or disagree?" Roles of men and women are an important part contributing to moral values in the society. Many people claim that women’s participation in the workforce leads to moral decline in the community. However, I believe women going to work will have more more knowledge and
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for example, effects of the internet or unfair competition in business should be taken into account
In conclusion, I belive the main reason for decreasing in moral values doesn’t lie in whether women works or not. People should think about tendencies such as abusing internet or competing unfairly in business for the sake of profit.

hanks to this essay. One thing that Id like to make is that " words count is high : 336 words. Indeed, the more we write in the exam, the more likely we make mistakes.
The second thing is that the question asks about traditional roles of BOTH men and women. But you just wrote about women working. I think you could lose points in terms of TASK RESPONSE. Then I suppose that the question just asks about WOMEN working then write my essay. I think your introduction and first paragraph is good , just some errors like wrote two more consequently. But at the second paragraph I found less relative sentences to the main topic.
I tried to make your essay short, although I think still has some problem. I hope Mr. ENda helps both us.
Women play a key role in the moral values of a society. Some people claim that today women’s participation in the workforce is responsible for declining morality in the community. However, I believe that participating in society could be of great benefit to both women and communities.
The major reason that why some people disagree with women’ activity is
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