A Life Of Questions And Lies

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I was born into a family; a family without a father.
My father died only a few weeks before my birth.
Died is a nice word, it was more like murdered:
A hit was placed on him,
Shot down in cold blood whilst my mother watched.
All my life there has been a deep dark hole;
A hole that could not be filled;
A hole that only a love of a father could give.
Watching my friends grow up with their fathers
I know that I have missed out,
Missed out on the love and affection of a father.
There has been a longing for knowledge about my father,
What type of man was he and what happened on that fateful night,
And most importantly why it happened.
There have always been stories about that night,
Stories of where
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I have asked questions all my life about my father,
But only for my questions to be dismissed or passed over
And weak excuses given.
There are so many questions to ask that beginning just confuses me,
But being orphaned at the age of five31 hasn’t helped me.
The only person that would of told me the truth, my mother,
Died and left me with a lifetime of not knowing.
Always telling me ‘When you’re older I will tell you a story’.
Well at sixteen there are still no answers.
Whenever I had questions about my father she would go quiet
She glorified him but never gave much detail.
She mentioned often that we were very much alike;
I had his qualities of loyalty, bravery and generosity.
In a way she glorified me as well, as I was her only reminder of him.
Now standing in front of the family that raised me from the age of five on my sixteenth birthday, about to blow out the candles, I make a silent pledge, a quest even, to find out the truth, to seek the answers.
And I am ready for what that truth may bring.

[Starting to seek the past] Tonight I start seeking the truth about my father, about his family, about who I am.
I have always thought it strange that I have never met any family from my father’s side;
Only spending time with my mother’s family.
I keep having reoccurring thoughts;
Thoughts that keep telling me to chase the answers I need, but I always supress these thoughts.
I get the feeling that this topic is forbidden;
Forbidden because of the way the family is
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