A Short Note On I Had Contracted Malaria

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At 8, I had contracted malaria. My attendant doctor told us that luckily I was brought in just in time or it would be a problem as my blood was clotting. I stayed there for a week. I was very happy when he can remember my first name when I jog around the lobby. This sentence makes no sense and how does it tie in with the paragraph? During my stay, I happened to see many people who wore casts all over their bodies. I was so scared that I thought they were from another planets. However, as I got older and has more chances to interact with patients, I become acquainted with them as a friend and want to hear more stories from them as each person has their own stories. At 11, I once again admitted to the physical therapy hospital to have a…show more content…
You are the key person in this whole statement so need to have more a voice and stance. What comes across is that you’ve had all of these experiences and, at the end, you want to be a doctor to make people happy. That’s a valid reason but the writing comes across weak. The different experiences seem fragmented without good transitions. I did my own interpretation below and took some poetic license, use it just as a reference:

I spend most of my childhood as a patient. I was born with ----- and had to undergo multiple surgeries and physical therapy sessions. At 8, I contracted malaria and was hospitalized for a week. Wandering around the lobby, I came across patients who had injuries and casts all over their bodies; patients who looked like they were from another planet. I had been in and out of hospitals before but this was my first clear memory of other patients as I was so frightened by the sight. I was hospitalized again at 11. This time was on the promise of an operation that would restore some function to my hand. While there, I befriended a girl, -insert name-. She had surgery to remove foreign bodies from her leg. The joy on her face when she was able to stand on her own was wonderful to see. I became so hopeful that would be able to use my hand and be like normal people. –what where the results of your surgery? – Looking back as an adult, I realized that I, -the girl’s name-, and the trauma patients
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