Am I Mentally Insane?-Personal Narrative

I’ve always been passionate about understanding others; stepping into their shoes and seeing, thinking, and appreciating the lives they live. I think it is important to take that extra step and see things from a different point of view. It is the only way to achieve a true understanding. I believe in this philosophy so much so, that it’s one of the main reasons I have this blog; to give others a glimpse of a life with mental illness. I’ve been in treatment for 2 months and 26 days and I think it’s time for another peek into my brain.

John Staurt Mills, in chapter five of his autobiography , “ a Crisis in My Mental History: One Stage Onward, (1909-14) argues that people should be able to find their happiness. He supports his claim by first saying that happiness is something to survive by, then he states you need to ask yourself if your are happy or not and try to find your inner happiness. Mill's purpose is to reach out to people that happiness is an important in order to make people live a happy life. He creates a serious tone for people who are trying to find happiness.

"I . . . love you, too." The difficulty of saying those words overwhelmed me. I had always seen myself as someone with solid, untouchable emotions. At that moment, though, I was in a fragile, quivering state; and I could not believe I had conjured such a false image of myself.

It’s a struggle to get out of bed sometimes, I often just sit there struggling to comprehend the sequence of events which have taken place over the past year. I mean, I’m used to this now, its normal to me, but the fact that this has happened and that I am now ‘disabled’ as people would put it is hard to get my head around. And every time I look down I’m reminded of the pain and the struggle I faced, it’s a physical scar which links me to my grueling past, a physical and emotional journey.

My insanity case is People v. Wilbur, 226 Ill. App. 3d 733 (3rd Dist. 1992). In this case, the defendant was a 14-year-old being charged as an adult for a murder that happened in 1988. It was said that child showed that he didn’t regret what he had done. The child admitted to the crime. The defendant’s expert witness said that the child suffered from schizophrenia and that he has heard “voices” in his head. The jury came to the verdict of guilty but mentally ill. The 14-year-old was sentenced to 60 years in prison. The trial court case was appealed is now in the hands of the Appellate Court of Illinois. Two expert witnesses disagreed on the defendant’s state of mind at the time of the murder. One saying that he was able to conform his acts to the law. The other saying, he was not. (pg. 736). The Appellate Court affirmed the trial court’s decision.

Another side could be that the time this happened wasn’t a time of mental illness enlightenment, resembling the day and age we live in now, knowledge of different cases, studies, and illnesses are so readily known that you aren’t going to just be classified as just “Crazy”. At that time and most likely prior to this incident with the shooter. if you started saying that you felt yourself changing or, you were having thoughts that didn’t meet with the norm, you were just “Crazy” that was it, cut and dry . If you did

I’m so sorry,” she said. She really was too. I was right away sorry I’d said it, but it was too late.

If you were to see me walking down the street you would never guess that I was in foster care. I dress and act like your everyday 17 year old, and in a way I am. Except I was placed in foster care when I was 15 years old. Scratch that I put myself in foster care when I was 15 years old. I bet you’re asking “why”? “Why would you do such a thing”? Well my mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia also known as disorganized schizophrenia. Just in case you don't know disorganized schizophrenia is characterized by incoherent and illogical thoughts and behaviors, so when you are 15 that's not a good situation to be in. My mother couldn't keep a job therefore she could not support us.

things I'm trying to scream out for all to hear. I have flickers of hope when I write. Hope that maybe one day my mind will drag me to this computer to type about how much I changed. How I love myself now and all my insecurities have faded into a dark abyss. But that isn't the case, is it? When I write, or type, it's always the same. The same meaning but only with different words. The same call for help but with a different tone. Every time I tell you nothing is wrong something is, but why would you care? I'm fine. Right? I'm okay. Nothing can hurt me if I don't let it, right? But it can and it will. It will drag me so far down you won't be able to hear my screams, you won't be able to hear my pleas for help. But maybe that's for the best. Because I'm sorry but I don't want to let you in. I don't want to let anyone in. I want to suffer until I explode and just dissipate. Because I don't want you to worry. I want to be alright, and I will be. One day soon, or maybe not so soon. I'm lost in such a vast ocean of thoughts. It's like my vocal cords are my bucket but I have hundreds of gallons to remove. One measly bucket is enough. But writing? It holds thousands of gallons of my unspoken

“Stop apologising to me, you don’t need to, sweety” she consoles me with her soft, mesmerising voice.

Constitution and declares, “Now, no talking, no cheating, no breathing, I better not see a muscle move in your body other than your hand to write on your test!”

Every individual yearns to feel happiness as a part of their lifetime experiences. John Stuart Mills discusses this topic in his autobiography, “A Crisis in my Mental History”. Stuart Mills argues that individuals should embrace happiness as the purpose of life, which i strongly agree with. Mills treats happiness as the basis of his philosophy of life which strives to allow individuals to possess the sensibility and capacity for enjoyment (Stuart Mills, Chapter V pg.13) In order to find happiness in life, individuals should do what they love with the people that they love and learn how to live in the moment without allowing small mistakes to affect them.

You call me mad, say I have lost my mind? A monster you think of me, I am a human being, to this do I deserve such a dull punishment? Ill I have never been, I am sane, innocent to an extreme. A cage? Countless straps drown my body. Cruel? Yes I was, I must agree, but now I’ve been punished and beg of you to set me free.

I don't know what came over me. He must have pushed all the right buttons, because all of a sudden, I didn’t seem so hot anymore. The aches and pains were gone and theirs this tremendous burst of energy in every part of my body. I turned to face him and replied at the top of my lungs,