An Essay About My Last Two Days

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Thur. 11/16: I failed an exam in a class so I went to talk to the professor for that to see how I can improve for the next exam and ask about the overall grading. It turned out that the professor didn’t grade the exam, the TA did. He told me how ridiculous my answers were; he said that he was surprised that the TA gave me so many points (I was the lowest in the class). In the moment, I tried to respectfully defend myself, but his words kept repeating in my mind afterwards.
Mon. 11/20: I had an exam in another class. I was really anxious about it because of what that professor said a few days before. It turns out that I did decent on the exam. My anxiety that day was as bad as it was the day my dad was getting surgery in
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Thur. 11/30: I had the second exam for the class with the mean professor. The TV spent 30 mins trying to explain the question. It was only one question. In total, we had 3.5 hours to do the exam; I still didn’t finish it.

This always happens when I’m really busy with school work; right before midterms or finals; when a project is due. I get annoyed because it’s inconvenient, but it makes sense that I “boil over” during periods of high stress. There’s a room jampacked with stuff I don’t want to deal with in my heart. When I put all my energy towards staying afloat in CU, I let down guard and the door to the room opens. It’s an overwhelming feeling; it feels like I’m drowning; it feels like I’m gasping for air; it feels like I want to scream, but I don’t have a voice. I want to ask for help, but I’m afraid of people seeing all the stuff spread out everywhere. What is all the stuff?

I mentioned this month sucks. I have assignments, projects, and exams every week until Christmas. I spent Thanksgiving freaking out about everything I had to do for good reason. For a second, I thought these next couple weeks wouldn’t be so bad, but my anxiety kindly reminded me why I should be worried. I try to get at least six hours of sleep, but when I’m so stressed out my body needs way more than that. I’m not going to step down from IV (mostly because they won’t let me). I feel like such a slacker, though; they’ve been
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