CO2520 Analysis 1 Essay

Listening to your partner can save your marriage. If you and your partner have an agreement give each other time to cool down. It is important to fight constructively. There is no marriage free of conflict. Conflicts can and will arise from time to time it is to be expected. Conflict can stem from finances, children, and jobs. It is best not to point finger swat the other person. In your marriage you have to be

When a couple has been together for at least forty years, one may ask them, how have you put up with one person for so long, or what is your secret to marriage? Unfortunately, a secret may not even exist, but learning how to deal with everyday relationship conflicts, maybe the answer to a lasting marriage. “Gottman and Declaire, discovered that couples have conflict over the same issues sixty-nine percent of the time” (1997) (pg.214) Gottman quotes “We need to teach couples that they will never solve most of their problems, and that couples need to” establish a dialogue” about the problems.”(1997) (pg.214) Validating, volatile, and conflict avoiding, are three approaches couples use, when resolving conflict. Gottman studies show how managing conflict could lead to lasting marriages. Communication practices are also important when trying to resolve conflict. Gottman’s Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are “four communication practices that have very negative outcomes for the particular interaction and for the relationship.”(pg.225) Conflicts are going to occur in every relationship, but learning how to communicate with one another is essential.

According to research conducted by Milkulincer & Shaver (2003), individuals who have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style have an obsession with acceptance, and maintaining attachments lead them to constantly seek reassurance and constantly strive to attain care and support from their partner. Anxious-ambivalent individuals are acutely sensitive to signs that their partner is not committed and caring, which leads them to display more negative emotions when their partners do not provide them with sufficient support (Girme; Rholes et al.,

Psychologist Phillip Shaver expanded upon Bowlby’s theory too and stated that the attachments formed in one’s infancy extend to adult romantic relationships (Feldman, 2011). According to Shaver, securely attached adults enter into romantic relationships confidently and happily. They also tend to be supportive and sensitive to their partner’s needs. Those who have avoidant attachment style tend to be less into relationships and feel lonelier. Ambivalent or anxiously attached adults tend to be too invested in their relationships, have low self-esteem, and often are intrusive rather then helpful when

Attachment style effects attraction (in general most attracted to secure partners, least attracted to fearful

The insecure/preoccupied anxious attachment style preoccupied, and they seek approval from their partners. They tend to extremely clingy; consequently, pushing the person away with their self-doubts and insecurities. Individuals who have fearful/avoidant attachment style tend to have suffered abuse or sexual abuse, and they want close relationships, nonetheless they cannot bring themselves to be intimate with other people.

The three prototypes explored are avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, and secure attachments which describes how partners will behave in close relationships and how caring and supportive each individual is within their relationship. Avoidant attached individuals are withdrawn from relationships and untrustworthy of others. Anxious-Ambivalent individuals worry often about their partner’s needs being fulfilled as well as theirs and analyze if they’re moving too fast in the relationship when compared to their partner. Secured individuals are completely trustworthy of their partner and confident in their feelings and

Fraley (2002) completed a meta analysis of studies concerning attachment in order to investigate the level of attachment pattern’s continuity throughout life. The study indicated that there was a certain stability of the attachment pattern, and that the stability is independent of time. Even though it is theorized that a secure pattern will be likely to stay unchanged, it is still indicated that experiences such as bad relationships will be able to change the attachment pattern (Fraley,

1) The study of communications in the early twentieth century solidified in to which two approaches?

After carefully going through the attachment styles on pages 46 – 48, I have both avoidant and secure attachment style tendencies. Focusing primarily on the secure attachment style, of which I did in fact relate to the most, it is described as those who “[a]ren’t afraid of emotions”, “[a]re willing to seek and accept comfort from other people”, “[t]ake responsibility for themselves”, “[k]now that relationships can be safe and that knowledge gives them courage for love and intimacy”, and “[f]ind the courage to act when action is needed” (Clinton, Sibcy 65). While this list does not fully describe those who have a secure attachment style, it does include the majority of the characteristics. The secure attachment style can be observed through

Expectations at this point in a relationship often differ, and as Linda Waite reports, even if one partner expects the relationship to be permanent, the other often does not (2000). With differing expectations, lack of communication understandably leads to misunderstandings and eventually arguments. The negative atmosphere fostered in a cohabitation relationship not only comes from lower levels of communication, but also confusion over roles in the relationship such as finances and household chores. Unlike a marriage relationship, cohabiting couples have no assurance that their partner will be around indefinitely. Because of this, these couples often carry out their tasks individually instead of dividing the work, resulting in two people getting in each other’s way and general disorder in the relationship.

Girme, Overall, Simpson & Fletcher (2015) has proven that they respond negatively when given support by their partner and, Feeney and Noller (1990) report that they express mistrust of others during their life. Feeney and Noller (1990) had an experiment that measured subjects scores based on their response to the background questions about their love experiences on Ludus, Loving and Romantic Love Ideals scales, and the Avoidance of Intimacy scale. The results were high on Ludus and low on the Loving and Romantic Love Ideal scales and the Avoidance of Intimacy scale for the avoidant subjects (Feeney and Noller, 1990). The results for the avoidant subjects differed than those that were secure and anxious-ambivalent groups as the Unfulfilled Hopes, Self-Conscious Anxiety, Avoidance of Intimacy, and Personal and Social Self-esteem of the avoidant subjects were the important features that were determined (Feeney and Noller, 1990). The secure subjects were high in self-confidence and were trusting in their relationships however, the anxious-ambivalent subjects were dependent and had a strong desire for commitment in their relationships, their response to love was neurotic rather than companionate (Feeney and Noller, 1990).

John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides insight on the seven fundamental tools to construct positive relationships. Through long years of research, Gottman studied married couples and noted degenerative behaviors that hindered the formation and attainment of a long and healthy marriage. Gottman research focused on several key behavioral predictors of divorce, which he calls the “The Four Horsemen”. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Life is full of all different kinds of relationships, whether it is with co-workers, peers or a significant other. Building and maintaining these relationships is critical in living a fulfilling, happy life. While there are many different kinds of relationships and they are all important, romantic relationships are especially unique. Along with being unique, they can be difficult and take work and dedication by both partners. The difficulties faced in these relationships can be attributed partially to the differences between men and women. Theses differences range from mate selection to attachment styles to the way in which problems are dealt with.

Undergraduate students (100 women, 80 men, M= 20.5 years, age range: 18-37 years) enrolled in psychology classes at a large private university were recruited using flyers handed out in their psychology classes. They will be recruited by introducing the purpose and goal of the research, giving them details about how their participation will contribute to the future research on attachment styles and how relationships are affected by it. A flyer made by the researchers will be given to professors to pass out in class and students can sign up if they want to participate. Participation will be anonymous and voluntary. Clients from a local Marriage and Family therapy clinic will also be sampled (50 women, 30 men, M= 35 years, age range: