Chapter 9: Emotions In Social Relationships

These continuing opposing qualities in our relationship ultimately created an imbalance in our relationship that could never be made balanced again. Before I knew it, my husband had become the person of lesser interest in our relationship. The principle of lesser interest occurs when one partner in a relationship is more emotionally involved than the other and that the less involved partner can exploit the more involved partner in various ways. “A significant gap in emotional involvement could lead to a situation of one partner’s taking the other for granted, or an even more extreme situation of exploitation. When relationships of this type result in marriage, the results were expected to be unsatisfactory (Waller, 1938). This suggests that it might be better if romantic relationships with unequal emotional involvement dissolve before getting to the point of marriage” (see also Sprecher, Schmeeckle, Felmlee, 2006, p.1256). In my marriage, I always felt as if I had to walk on a tight rope and I’, sure that you can see why. At its worst I was made to feel as if I were a child that couldn’t do anything right. As I sit here and write this paper, I see so clearly just how it evolved to this. The assertiveness that I was so attracted to morphed into an arrogance that made him an unbearable, controlling egomaniac. It is so easy to see now how becoming the person of lesser interest would be the next logical step.

This semester, we’ve learned a lot of things about what goes on in married relationships and cohabitation relationships. We’ve been taught how to deal with situations and changes that may occur within any relationship. In order to apply the research I’ve learned about, I have chosen to compare a few topic that took place in the movie Love and Basketball. This movie shows many gender roles, nonverbal behaviors, family impacts on relationships, and how communication is key.

In her article, “Sex, Lies and Conversation,” Deborah Tannen reveals how the lack of communication between couples are affecting their relationship, which is causing the divorce rate, in the United States, to be at an unimaginable rate of fifty percent. Tannen explains that it isn’t a particular gender’s fault for the failed communication between men and women, but it is the lack of knowledge of how the other gender communicates that’s at fault. She compares the expectations and styles of communication of both men and women to reveal how communication is truly “cross-cultural” between opposite sex. Styles of communication, body language, and the differences in listening styles are three main points that Tannen focuses on to demonstrate how

Marriage is oftentimes praised for all its good qualities, but people tend to avoid discussing the downsides of marriage in order to avoid discomfort. Confronting the problems that many couples face in marriage is hard, and most people find it easier to simply overlook any issues they may face to avoid furthering the problem. In “My Problem With Her Anger,” Eric Bartels elaborates on the struggles he and his wife face and what experiencing the effects of spousal anger feels like from a husband’s perspective. Through emotional appeal and anecdotes, Bartels semi-successfully argues that husbands are too often, and unfairly, on the receiving end of their wives’ anger and stress.

This article by Deborah Tannen, written in 1990, addresses the differences between the communication styles of men and women and some of the ensuing problems that arise from these divergent behaviors. The article asserts "that although men tend to talk more than women in public situations, they often talk less at home. And this pattern is wreaking havoc with marriage" (p. 474). Research indicates that a majority of women state a lack of communication as the reason for seeking divorce as compared to only a few of the men. With the divorce rate at 50 percent the author says there is a "virtual epidemic of failed conversation" (p. 474) in America.

Gottman studied the patterns of marital interaction as a proximal determinant of couples wellbeing and distress (Gottman & Notarius, 2002). Accordingly,

Dance is the beginning of the unit and therefore serves as an introduction to mental and emotions.

It focuses upon the amount of emotions that men and women make during different parts of their lives. How some people have good friends from the opposite sexes in their young lives but slowly lose their interest until they achieve puberty and start dating. Studies are used to prove that girls can show their emotions better than boys. The reason lies in the fact that girls mature faster than boys do. Dr. Goleman says that men don’t talk with their wives too much about relationship. He also observes that men may have a rosier view than their wives of just about everything in relationship—lovemaking, finances, ties with in-laws, how well they listened to each other, how much their flaws mattered. Married women, in general, complain more than their husbands, particularly among unhappy couples. He suggests “mirroring” which can be used for marital therapy. When your partner is covertly-hostile he or she may find a fault in your fair

Just as judges instruct juries to disregard some statements made in court, we can reverse or erase the effects of communication interactions in everyday life.

Marriage is something that most people go through at some time in their life. When people get married, their lives are drastically changed. They must be devoted to this person, wanting to please them with everything that they do. They are bound to this person and have to make sacrifices for them, even if they do not want to. “A Mother's Day Kiss-Off”, written by Leslie Bennetts, and “My Problem with Her Anger”, written by Eric Bartels, both share how women feel angry because of the inequality that they experience, either at home or at work. They are forced to make sacrifices that they do not want to make, and how this frustrates them. Both use examples of this anger and frustration from married women, yet they do it in different ways. Bennetts uses research and what she has seen and heard from in other women about their anger, while Bartels uses a real-life experience in his own home.

“The story of us” is an excellent movie that portrays the roller-coaster of marriage in a humorous and cleaver way. The film reiterates the key concepts we have learned in our interpersonal communication class, in particular chapters ten and eleven on conflict management and improving communication climates. According to Gibb people feel defensive when they perceive that they are under attack. When defensive responses arise in interpersonal communications, it is the relationship itself that becomes defensive. This is evident in the Jordan’s communication patterns, the majority of exchanges between Ben and Katie

Gottman method couple therapy or Gottman's Sound Relationship House (SRH) theory (Gottman, 1999) is grounded on years of John Gottman’s research and exploration about what makes marital relationships succeed or fail. The outcomes of these studies reveal that couples with successful

Paul Ekman was born in 1934 and at age 14 his mother committed suicide after suffering from severe bi-polar disorder. At that point, he decided he wanted to study facial expressions of emotion in order to assist other people before such tragic outcomes occurred. By the time he was 15, he had enrolled in University of Chicago and became interested in group therapy. He earned his Bachelor’s degree in 1954 and in 1958 he had earned his Ph.D. in clinical psychology at Adelphi University. His Master’s thesis was about the study of facial expressions and body movement. From 1960 to 2004 he worked at the University of California and starting in 1963 he received continual research grants from the National Institute of Mental Health for 40 years to study nonverbal behavior.

Emotional intelligence exposes an individual’s ability to regulate their emotions, in an attempt to acknowledge their partner’s perspective and convey intimacy and commitment in their relationship. In the framework of marriage, I do agree with the author that emotional intelligence may exist as the glue that holds a marriage together, as individuals must retain an aptitude to illustrate compassion and empathy with their partner. According to the text, evidence of a “steady erosion of social pressures – the stigma surrounding divorce, or the economic dependence on wives on their husbands – that used to keep couples together in even the most miserable of matches” surfaces (Goleman, 2005, p. 129). Due to societal deviations, couples no longer uncover themselves in an obligation to continue their marriages when confronting undesirable situations. Because obligations no longer keep couples together, emotional intelligence importance amplified. The general challenge with marital emotional intelligence subsists as gender differences. In fact, “emotional differences, while they may be partly biological, also can be traced back to childhood, and to the separate emotional worlds boys and girls inhabit while growing up” (Goleman, 2005, p. 130). Due to the dissimilarity in childhood worlds, I agree with the author that we need to make a point of talking to boys, in particular, about emotional intelligence. Originating in elementary school, society articulates that males must conceal

The physiological response of the husband’s actions or lack thereof can have a domino effect on the psychological dimension of this couple’s relationship. As stated earlier, the husband is necessarily displaying a positive response to his wife’s actions. He is just sitting there with a stunned face which can in return, make the wife feel negatively.