Example Of An Introductory Paragraph

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1. I like this because: I like how your hook in the introduction paragraph. You provided a good information so that readers can guess what is this essay is about "But there are studies and claims that suggest that with cameras in the supermarket, they can predict what people are going to buy so that the management places certain products in certain places to catch the attention of shoppers. Of course people don’t see these cameras because they’re supposed to be hidden" (Bui).

Base 1: Unity

Is there a clearly stated thesis in the introductory paragraph? Although, you have nice hook in your introduction, it is quite hard to find your thesis statement in the first paragraph. I wonder if this is your thesis because it is the last
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(List of items or a time order?) I can follow through with the author's essay and understand his point of view. Are transitions used to connect sentences and ideas? There are a few transitions sentences. For example "That a hard decision to make because they like that product but at the same time they don’t want to get tired of it and not hate it later in life" (Bui). From this sentence, I could guess that the next paragraph would be about making foods and probably for the family since family is kind of the theme in this essay.

Your comments: Your essay structure is good. However, I think you can add more transition sentence to make your essay become better.

Base 4: Sentence Skills

Are there any rough spots where the sentences do not flow smoothly and clearly? Overall, the essay was not hard to understand. Although there are a few little errors. For example this sentence "That a hard decision to make because they like that product but at the same time they don’t want to get tired of it and not hate it later in life" (Bui). I think what the author means is that family members will gather around in the holiday season. But when the first time I scan through the essay, it was quite

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