Example of a Well Structured Essay

1492 Words Aug 16th, 2009 6 Pages
Example of a well structured essay. The content isn’t that exiting and the conclusion is quite weak, but there are many good points to make on the way the essay is structured and the way the information is put across. All my comments are highlighted thus.

A good introduction.
• Does the job of clearly defining the topic covered in the essay and the specific aspects which will be discussed. See in particular last sentence of introduction. ( We will be looking at the structure of introductions more specifically in another class. )

• Grabs reader’s attention by including stats and a quote.

If you suffer from shyness, you are not alone, for shyness is a universal phenomenon. According to recent research, “close to 50 percent of
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Researchers Henderson and Zimbardo argue that one explanation of the cultural difference between Japanese and Israelis lies in the way each culture deals with attributing credit for success and blame for failure. (2005, p. 20). “In Japan, an individual’s performance success is credited externally to parents, grandparents, teachers and others, while failure is entirely blamed on the person. Therefore the Japanese learn not to take risks in public and rely instead on group-shared decisions.” (Henderson and Zimbardo, 2005, p.22). In Israel, the situation is entirely reversed according to Henderson and Zimbardo. “Failure is externally attributed to parents, teachers, friends and other sources, while all performance success is credited to the individual’s enterprise” (2005, p.22). The consequence is that Israelis are free to take risks since there is nothing to lose by trying and everything to gain.(2005).

Paragraph 5 Covers 3rd environmental cause

In addition to family and culture, technology may play a role as well. In the United States, the number of young people who report being shy, has risen from 40 percent to 50 percent in recent years (Payne, 2005). The rising number of shy young people may be “due in part to the growing dependence on non-human forms of communication, coming about as a result of our huge advances in technology” (Payne, 2005, p.6). Watching television, playing video games and surfing the web have displaced recreational activities that
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