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Fault My Fault

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It’s always there. It’s the ground beneath my feet. It’s the sky above my head. It’s the thump in my heart and the breath in my lungs. It’s the chain I drag, slowing me down, holding me back, stopping me. It’s the death of my mom that I carry on my shoulders. It was all my fault. All. My. Fault. It was my fault I distracted my mom. It was my fault the car swerved off the road. It was my fault the car was swallowed into the black of night. It was my fault my mom died. All. My. Fault. It started out as a simple game. How was I supposed to know it would turn into a life or death situation? “I spy with my little eye…” I said as I glanced around the car for something, “...something shiny and blue.” I stared confidently at my mom, certain that she wouldn’t find it. In between glances at the snowy road ahead, she scanned the car for the shiny, blue object. She was wearing her favorite Adidas sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. I could see her sparkling silver rose chain dangling around her neck. She wore it everywhere because it reminded her of me - my name is Eva, which means life. My mom’s cheesy like that. She thinks that the rose charm on the necklace represents life, which therefore apparently represents me. Ok. My mom glanced at the inside of the car again, but this time her eyes landed on the blue shiny zipper that was hanging from my jacket. She looked into my eyes with a sly smile on her face and whispered, “The zipper.” How? This was the millionth time that she got it on the first try. “Ugh Mom. Every! Single! Time!” I said. I tried to playfully slap my mom. “Eva, stop,” my mom said. I giggled and slapped her lightly again. “Eva I’m not kidding,” my mom said more seriously this time. She looked me with her don’t-mess-with-me-I’m-serious face and I stared right back at her. Outside, the snow was falling even heavier and the highway was starting to clear out. I nudged my mom again, but this time, as my hand was pulling back from her seat it knocked over her burning coffee onto her seat and jeans. My mom reacted instantly as the coffee seeped into her jeans. She tried to dab up the coffee with some tissues she found, but it wasn’t even making a dent. I scanned the car, but couldn’t find anything to help her

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