Fear And Judgment Of Judgment

1411 Words6 Pages
I find myself constantly living in some state of fear coupled to judgment. It is as if I cannot simply let go and do because all I can envision are a thousand eyes staring at my every motion, a thousand ears hanging on my every word, and five hundred brains all going: WTF did she do that for? It is a constant, this fear, like smoke in the air. I breathe it in and it is only distinguishable from oxygen by the tightness it creates like a vice grip around my heart. I do not know why this is. It simply is. Complete, whole, and entire, my reality. Fear, ebbing and flowing, a consistent markable tide. I close my eyes at night and it is there, curled up on my chest, a loudly purring kitten weighing in at a thousand pounds pressing the breath out of me. It is a wonder I wake up every morning. I wake up, I open my eyes, there is nothing there, but there is. My eyes don 't see it. My spirit knows its presence. Smoky cat of judging fear following me foot for foot from my bedroom out into the world where I cringe at every sound and start at every unknown step. I put my hand out, stick my neck out, ever watchful for the judging blade to come and separate me two from one. I am afraid and I cannot make it go away. Why? I do not know, nor would I say if I did. To acknowledge the fear is enough. To give it your name? Too much. My sister decided to move in with me right before Christmas. She brought with her a nice, little green carry-on type suitcase. Her mistake was leaving it on the
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