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I Just Wanted Some Fucking Cake

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I just wanted some fucking cake. You know how society loves telling us that we can all change our lives in a moment? Act now! Today is your day! Carpe diem! It’s like one, twenty second decision can take whatever shit life you had and make it amazing: you’ll get the job you’re not qualified for, or the girl who’s way out of your league, or you’ll win the lottery the first time you buy a ticket... Well, I had one of those. Like all good stories, it begins with a best friend taking a chance on a girl who never gave him one. My life was a John Hughes movie. If John Hughes was an asshole, and it wasn’t a film, and the guy actually didn’t get the girl in the end because it turns out he was just the quirky best friend all along. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. There are some things you should know. I’m the man of honor and the hopeless romantic, but the man you’ve read about; the one who overcomes all of the odds and gets the girl. This story does have one of those, though, and his name is Edward. Not Ed, never Eddie, and he does not appreciate any jokes of the Twilight variety. He has one those chin dimples, and when he laughs, he inhales more than exhales. I guess he makes her happy enough. Eddie remembers all the important dates and brings her these gargantuan flowers that no twenty-something’s apartment can actually fit comfortably. He also hates me, so I keep our interactions to a minimum. I will not anger the beast. Then there’s Sarah. She’s got those eyes

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