I Miss Us : The Way We Talk

Recently in the last year, both my parents found new loved ones, and that has brought up many challenges. Bringing in new “siblings” and “parents” to my family was an obstacle that came with highs and lows. Joining families requires a lot of understanding, positivity, and compromises. All these were hard to meet, causing fighting, sadness, and confusion. Each and everyone of us in the mixed families went through many lows that required “keeping your head up.” “It’s kinda hard to watch this life go by,” is something that is aid in the song I chose. It was hard to watch my parents fall in love with other people, and also hard for me to accept change. Through this time period, I had to keep positive vibes in the back of my head in order to stay happy. I made myself believe that everything was going to be fine in the end. “Drop your worries, you are gonna turn out fine,” is a perfect part of the song that relates to my attitude in the low moments with my changing family. In the end, my parents are happy and everyone else is happy for them. Andy Grammer says, “Only rainbows after rain,” implying that something good always comes from the bad. Remembrance of this helped me get through the bad so I could reach the

Hi... I've been trying so hard to respect that you needed some space but I just can't not talk to you any longer. I understand if you no longer want anything to do with me or if you even want to talk to me but I just want to let you know how sorry I am and how ashamed of myself I am for hurting you the way I did. You are what I loved most in this world and I ruined it. I am so sorry for lying to you and making you feel the way you did. I am also so so sorry if I ruined your week with you're family. I pray I didn't. You probably dont think I do but I love you so much Ellie and I always will. I really want to fix things, I'm willing to do anything in my power to fix things I just need to know whether or not you want me to because I will understand

You never called, you never wrote, you never even told me you were leaving. I just woke up one morning and my best friend had abandoned me."

I loved you more than I loved myself. Not even, I was in love with you, and you broke my heart by breaking it off between us without even blinking an eye. When I called you on the phone a couple hours later, you sounded like you absolutely hated me, and that hurt even more. (Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not trying to sound like a victim. I’m sure you hurt or were hurting too.) We used to talk just about everyday for the past year or so. Not talking to you everyday is so strange. I don’t know what to do with myself half the time. Whenever something happens - whether good or bad - and want to run to tell you about it. I didn’t only lose my boyfriend, I also lost my real best friend, and my first real, true love. I really thought you were the one. After all, we were talking about going on a mini vacation by ourselves in the summer. You were supposed to come to my Abuela’s wedding and spend your 20th birthday with

I needed to hear that, I could of settle down. Getting impatient with me just makes me more hesitant, even if you said that in some way being angry just makes me scared of you.Tone matters Jerson, you should know that. You want me to follow you to New York you have to be willing to repeat things over and over again. I still have Cynthia and my Mom repeat to me over and over again I’m doing the right thing by not talking to you. I did not want to stop being by your side Jerson but I needed some time to myself to get better. You were my better half and this month felt like I was walking around like a huge part of me had died inside. I have given you some much of myself that I don’t even function without you. When we fight and don’t solve things in the same day, I completely impactable of thinking about anything.I know you’re stressed out about your situation and you take it out on me. I know you’re upset with yourself that you can’t completely trust me but I can’t be your punching bag right now. I can’t take any more verbal beat downs and I can’t jump into a situation without a better plan then “ If you love me, you would just come here” or “ I’ll do it but you have to come here first”. I couldn’t get over there until summer, you couldn’t even give me a bone by saying you’ll try and get something done before then? One thing off the list? Jerson, I didn’t not want you to come during January. I

So when we found that we could not make sense. Well you said that we would still be friends. But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over. But you didn’t have to cut me off. But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.

Everyone has moments that completely alter their lives. Personal experiences are what shape lives and make a deep impact on who a person becomes. I have had many pivotal moments in my life that I know have made a direct impact on who I am today, how I handle my past and what I will make of my future. While reading Sherman Alexie’s “She Had Some Horses” I was captivated by the similarities between my own life and his, particularly concerning passion, confusion, and humility. Alexie’s story brought peace to me in knowing that someone else has felt what I have. After all, Jill Bolte Taylor, a Brain scientist once said, “Just like Children, Emotions heal when they are heard and validated” (Bolte).

Once I took my seat, I was holding back my tears. So many thoughts ran through my head. I was returning home , but I had nobody to return to. St. John's is a small city, so I knew I would run into Allison eventually. Also, Allison cheated on me, moved on with somebody new and I was still pining over her. It felt like I was back in high school.

I miss you. Is that unusual? I can’t even understand it myself. Do I even have the right to miss you? or should i "not miss" you? The latter sounds safer since we may very well just be passing seasons to each other and not all ‘attractions’ are meant to live. We are set to fear what we can’t control. But somehow I have come to shamelessly share with you, something you achieve only after spending time, space and memories with someone, however, short-lived it may be.

"...i’ve been showing up to this all wrong, or perhaps, just way too long… in hopes of re-igniting a brief memory or fueling a future fantasy…but in the here-and-now, this 'trying to be friends thing' just ain’t gonna fly and I must now activate a radical act of self-love, amputate what's left and simply say good-bye…"

“How could you mess up so badly?” you repeatedly ask yourself thousands upon thousands of times. Staring at the ceiling in your bed you’re nearly motionless as you’re consumed with all of the thoughts racing through your mind. This goes on weeks, you feel incapacitated and frozen, but the world doesn’t stop with you. Everyday is a constant battle to get up and fulfill your responsibilities, despite your current state of affairs you manage to keep going. “Marin” you say to yourself “You can keep on going.” Eventually the negative feelings subside and you feel like yourself once more. Without even noticing it you’re back to hanging out with your friends regularly and it’s almost as if that heartbreak never occurred. Then the cycle continues, you meet another person and the same thing happens. Though you get stronger after each failure, your hope to find love does not cease. Maybe I’ll run into him today you say to yourself, no maybe not. One seemingly normal day you bump into him by accident. Locking your eyes you both say sorry at the same time and laugh a little. “I’m so sorry” you say with a little laughter seeping out

Here I stood, dressed in black with tears running down my rosy cheeks. At the podium, speaking about my beloved new friend, but in the most heartbreaking way possible. Fletcher Haus showed me a part of life I had never known and it reveals the deepest darkest parts of every person. Without him, i’d be a mess and a completely unrecognizable person. I changed my whole aspect on life within a year of getting to know Fletcher. He was a grumpy old man that took a long time to warm up to. He had the sweetest intentions, but lacked the social skill to make it visible to the naked eye. My journey meeting Fletcher began in June on a hot summer day where I was at an all time low.

If you don't reply, that's fine, but I'm just curious and wanting closure, since I'm pretty sure you don't want to ever [italics] want to be friends with me again. Totally understood, even though I do miss you quite a lot .___., since you were like my best friend, but what can ya do *awkward face and hand gestures*]). Asking without a reply is better than not asking at all for me. It's like, "well, at least you tried." Trying to do something, to see if something is possible, is better than just not doing anything, right?

I remember the day just like it was yesterday, the pale color and coldness of her skin. The sky was clear blue, soft, with a touch of red, and the trees seemed stiff in their bright green shade. The wind was blowing with its humid dry air. And All I could do was stand silently in disbelief, caught up in my own thoughts and calm as I ever been. Wondering what I could have done differently to change the course of time, life had taken us upon. Since that very day a chunk of my heart was ripped away, and broken into pieces… “Oh how I miss her so much.”

But a new wave of feelings hit me when at a young age I had to watch my Dad struggle with figuring out who he was. He didn’t understand that confused feeling either. Like you don’t know where you’re supposed to be. I remember more painful times before the split when he wasn’t happy. There were days filled with fake smiles at dinner followed by fitting in the parking lot of the Weathervane, as my parents traded unpleasantries with each other.