Journal Entry # 99 :

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Journal entry #99:
I want to die today; I remember taking a bottle of pills just because my ego got out of control and when I couldn’t get my way, I did the unthinkable. I was mad and disappointed, and my granddad came into my room trying to calm me down; after I explained to him just how much I wanted to exit this earth, he went and did the craziest thing and told me that watching over me was the only reason he was still alive……
Why the heck did he go and say that? I mean I believe him, and I don’t think for two seconds he was pulling my leg; I believe if anything he was just opening his heart to me which is something he rarely did for anyone, but why? I wasn’t worthy of that kind of love then, and am still not now. My mother gave me
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My pain is so constant; my insides feel like they want to explode. Why? Because it’s my fault he died; it comes down to one thing, and that was it wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility to stay by his side but mine, so I, and I alone failed him.
When I look back at my life, and seeing all the dumb things I have done, and all the stupid risks I have taken due to anger, alcohol, or both, I have to ask myself, why have I cheated death? I was never worthy of anyone’s love and/or trust, and yet this man saw something inside of me that made him want to provide for me and shelter me even when I didn’t deserve it.
I reminisce back and remember this past new years day, January 1st, 2015. A new year, still trying to get over my grandfather’s death; the differences between now and then, I see the blessings that I was blind to before. I still feel dry and empty at times, and I can really go to a dark place, but at least it is not long lasting, and I can force myself to get up a lot quicker now.
My sadness now has taken on new shape; I feel like I am losing time, and by that I mean that I have wasted so many years wallowing in depression that many years have passed me by, that I have stunted my own growth. Where is my strength? Where
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