Killing As Structural Violence

Decent Essays
There are several ways in which I thought I could have improved my essay. I am writing this justification paper to mention a few.
I believe that some ideas in the essay have the potential to be explained more and in a better way. For example, in the fourth paragraph, I just slightly brush the idea of using rapes to attract NGOs. It is not clear where the NGOs enter the whole picture. I should have expanded this idea more. Also, in some places, I have not been able to convey the exact message that I was trying to convey. For example, in the 4th paragraph, I was referring to psychological effects of killings as structural violence. What I wrote gave an impression that I was referring to killings as structural violence which is clearly direct violence. I should avoid inaccurate use of vocabulary and confusing sentence structure.
I need to reconsider the opening sentence of each paragraph again. They are all abrupt starts and they hinder the flow of the essay. For example, I can start the opening sentence of second paragraph with “As I am going to talk about violence surrounding Coltan mines in Congo throughout this paper...” to connect it with the opening paragraph. Another case: in third paragraph, I will replace “it is a crime to be a woman in Congo” with “Rape is one of the most serious and violent crimes.” This will create a link between
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I think I should refrain from using such fancy phrases. My first preference should be to keep myself on point. Also, on numerous occasions, I have made some claims that I cannot defend. For example, in third paragraph, I have stated “(Congolese are) completely unaware of the worldly affairs.” I should avoid writing things that I have no proof of. I believe I do it every now and then to make the essay look more dramatic and in doing so, I leave open loop holes in the essay for the critics to point
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