Limerence was a harsh mistress.
2The philosopher character Pangloss, an undying optimist, continually asserts this, that "All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds."
* * *
I still planned on telling you, you know, since I was riding on being the only person going to Penn from our year. But my luck never did run smooth, did it?
You don’t really remember this, you say, but I do. It came time to decide on where to go to college, and you wanted my help.
Man, did I love helping you.
In hindsight, this was probably the first time that
I thought with you in mind. I’d always done things for you, but really they were for me. As hard as it was, I forced myself to be as objective as possible, with your best interests in mind, not…show more content… It was still an active effort, though, stopping myself from going head over heels again, even after you broke up with your high school boyfriend that October. Of course, I reasoned with myself again, putting practicality over desire. And believe me, it was quite the damn
challenge. It didn’t help that you’d somehow become even more beautiful on both the outside and the inside.
The thought was unavoidable, washing up on the shores of my mind whenever anyone asked me why I hadn’t gone for it yet. Whenever we spent time together.
Whenever I thought of you at all. It began to live in my mind and have a mind of its own.
You went abroad for the first time that summer.
Three months in Spain. Just my luck. I missed you, for the first time as a friend.
* * *
Sophomore year came quickly, and I’d come to terms with my years-long depression by that fall. Freshman year was the first of many trainwrecks at Penn. Things at home became complicated, and I juggled home, classes, and my joke of a social life quietly. Being a reflective person had helped me for the longest time (as it is now, writing this), but it was my undoing. I had become a mirror trying to see my own reflection, so much in awe of the infinite that I felt infinitesimal. Things before college had always been a game—things to win, things to lose, nothing truly beyond the surface.
But things were different now, as Drake said that year: We go 0 to 100...real quick. And hell, we were pushing 110.