My Identity And Sense Of Self Worth

988 WordsSep 5, 20154 Pages
I’m eighteen years old. I’m the child of two highly educated, bright academics. I have several siblings in grad school at ivy league colleges. I love them, but I hate them, too, because I want to be like them and I don’t know if I can. There 's nothing really wrong with me, but I wish there was, so I had something to blame. Here’s my biggest and most closely guarded secret: I’m stupid. I’m too stupid to go to college, too stupid to study what I’m interested in. Sometimes, I feel too stupid to even be alive, a feeling which usually coincides with my performance on tests. You see, I construct my entire identity and sense of self-worth around how smart I am. My life revolves around grades, assessments, and tests. As you can imagine, this means that my identity is constantly under siege. If I get a B on an exam, I feel an immediate sense of terror: if I’m not smart, what am I? I understand that this self-assessment is unhealthy. I don’t know how to live any other way. The depression started when I was eight, the purging, twelve. I don 't organize formative timelines in my life through birthdays or, school or new houses: I use suicide attempts and novel self harm straegies. I couldn 't tell you why I did it, but I remember the day I first stuck a finger down my throat and what a partially digested chocolate Hardee 's milkshake tastes like (answer: still good). I almost died from heart failure at 15 due to complications from the illness. I eventually recovered, but I lost

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