My Life Of Your Own

I remember waking up that day and that feeling in my stomach, knowing what was about to happen. Growing up I knew about my father's sickness. My family, I recall, was always supportive. No one ever thinks about how one day, everyone you’re around for years, can just vanish. I cherished my friends as I was growing up. I lived there for a majority of my life, up until fourth grade. I remember sitting at a neighbor's house and having the mother come into the room and inform me that I need to be home swiftly. As I ran home, my head was crowded with thoughts to the point where I could not even think about why I was supposed to be home quickly. That day marked the transition of what would be the biggest change in my life. As by dad became sicker,

I had never given much thought into how I would die. There’s something about being young that causes us to believe we’re invincible. It’s not like dying young is uncommon, it’s just that there’s something extra despairing about a life ending before it had really begun. Over the past 18 years, I’ve never thought twice about my mortality. I mean, it wasn’t anything special to me. I knew that I would eventually die, but eventuallies aren’t always as far as you think. Here I am, only 18 years old, my cold body

My father finally spoke up and said abruptly, we are moving to California. I said what!. That answer moving to California, was almost equal to my uncle telling me "Your Sister Jackie is dead." I knew that my girlfriend, my anchor on earth was disappearing from my life. And now she was gone, 35 days after I lost my sister. My earth angle, I dreamed of being my wife was gone. I felt like I was having a nightmare and couldn't wake up, how could all this be happening to me. Despair sit like a stone in my stomach, like concrete boots dragging me toward what felt like my inevitable end. "I'm not going to make it. "I was in a state of melancholy depression.Laced with a fatal sense of my own wretchedness. I was fourteen years old and felt like I was

For a long time I was feeling very heavy; with every step, I took I’d feel the weight of the world dragging me down. It was so hard to find the words to say what I was feeling: empty, worthless, angry, broken. Every time I looked in a mirror I’d see a monster staring back into my weary eyes, that’s when I stopped eating. I’d either feel everything at once or nothing at all and to quiet the loud commotion in my head, to illustrate my pain, I’d take a knife as my paintbrush and my skin was my canvas. One of the hardest things about getting help is convincing yourself that you're worthy of it.

My dad and Mei caught me, and they carried me out of the door toward the car. This time, I knew what the darkness meant. I started crying as my conscious coming back. I was scared. I had no control of my body - I could barely feel it. I wasn't only losing my senses, but I wasn't losing my body and my life, as well as my dream and my hope - I was losing it all. All of those excessive caffeine, red bulls, sleepless nights, and unhealthy diets had messed up my metabolism. They appeared in my mind and reminded me how I had been destroying my body. I thought I was young and strong so I could resist all these damages; I thought my will and mental strength were strong enough to handle everything. Nevertheless, here I was, with no control over my body, my health, and my everything. I myself had brought me here. I had killed myself piece by piece. Such a bad job that I had done - sustaining my own life! That was so immature and stupid. Regrets and self-hatred were all over my mind. The idea of death threatened me made me take that incidence

As I approached my mother she was heart broken she kept saying that it’s going to be alright my father was hurt holding all of us my whole family was in shock because out of all the people my brother hung around and all the people in his circle who would’ve thought he would be the one to die. My father felt like all of the sins he committed karma didn’t hit him it hit his son you see my brother passed away on father’s day and that made my whole family different it made me and my little brother get closer we would always fight. The media and the school showed up like 3 days in a row to speak with us I did not want to speak because of the circumstances the way I seen it was that nobody cared about us and they didn’t feel our pain at all, during the time I felt like I had nobody I stayed in the house for about two months I didn’t eat or anything for a

You know that feeling when your stomach extends about 30 feet deeper because you know your life is over, no? Well this is the feeling of having to look into your mother’s eyes knowing you fucked up. My last moments of freedom are used to think back to all the happy times, these thoughts are all the past though because the only thing in my future is darkness and sadness. As I’m escorted past all my friends, my face is a color similar to that of raw meat. It’s difficult to think of a more embarrassing moment in my life, the feeling of everyone’s eyes beaming on me is petrifying. The emotion of grief turns my limbs to weights and head resembles the heat of a furnace. Not only is this the most embarrassing moment of my life, there is the realization my skin may never see the light of day again, developing a vitamin D deficiency. The anxiety makes it seem like everyone is giving me a weird look, they probably

I woke up on a beautiful summer morning in late October of freshman year. I stretched my arms, rubbed my eyes, and looked at my phone like I always do before I lazily get out of bed and prepare for school. I noticed I had received several text messages from friends whom I had not spoken to in ages. As I started to read them, one after another, they all said the same thing, “sorry for your loss”. I started to worry, I texted back to a couple of friends wondering what had happened. It was then when I received the news that Tommy Quinn, one of my best friends, had taken his own life.

On september 17th Cameron took his own life. I felt sad, lonely, anguish, perplexed, I felt guilty. In my head i saw it as i took his life. We went through hell together, now I was alone. In my entire life i had never been alone, I didn’t know what to do. There was an extended period of time where i was scared to close my eyes. Whenever i closed my eyes I would see the horror that i walked into. Months went by and I felt just as helpless as i had the day of, if anything my life was

I stood there helpless, no choice, as I felt the cold blade slowly move across my head. Over and over again. Cutting every last piece of my identity, changing who I am, and what I look like. My hair was like the green grass that will eventually grow back. The cord brushes against my wrist many times, a towel draped around my shoulders to catch all of the pieces of my dark beautiful hair that will soon be gone. It feels as if I am loosing my life, my story, my everything. Having the fear of people looking at me or even staring at me everywhere I go. The stress of people feeling bad for me and me not knowing what to say. Staring into my eyes I see flashbacks of my childhood. When the days were better. When I could go see my friends and they didn't have to come and see me.

The thing is I knew it wouldn’t from the moment my first animal or thing I really knew died. I told my dad this year wouldn’t be good, I told my mom, they didn’t believe me. Yet, here I am just getting out of depression. When you said we wear masks, like being happy, I felt like you were only talking to me. Excuse my french, but I REALLY started f’n up. I looked up signs of depression, Fatigue, Reckless behavior, Sleeping issues, unexplained aches, and pains. I understand I’m a dancer, but I haven’t been dancing for more than a month. I’m constantly sleeping in the car, but once it’s night time I seem to have trouble. You can attest for my behavior, I used to be a stellar student. Now I’m jacking up grades for myself, and for others around me. I used to think I was strong, that if anything was to break me emotionally it’d be a bully, and I wasn’t gonna let them do that to me. I could also write a book about myself, but that’s not what this is. So I just want to simply say, As of now I declare myself Lost, hopefully not for long, but definitely, right now, I’m

I met Josh on my first day of high school. I walked into my Intro to Graphic Design class and noticed a boy smiling at a nearby table. I thought he looked cute, so I sat with him. I don’t remember much more of that day, but I do remember him leaving an impression on me. Josh and I stayed friends for about a year and, even though we didn’t date, he seemed different from the other guys I had known. Josh had always been a great friend to those around him and never got caught up in the drama around him. We finally started the following summer and the rest was history!

When hard things happen, I shut down. I don’t talk and I don’t know how to act. On this particular April night, someone’s life was in my hands. After a long day at work, I was excited to sit down and relax. Not ten minutes after putting my feet up, I got a call from my sister, Hayley. I answered as I would any other call, not knowing it would scar me for life.

On May, 22 2009 an unthinkable event that changed me occurred . My sister got into a car crash, and was in critical condition at the hospital. I came home early that day after my dad checked me out crying, we went home and he told me. The words hurt like the coldest frostbite and red hot needles all over my body. I was only five then and when my sister passed away that night I couldn't handle it. She was only seventeen and she was my rock when my parents got divorced, I could go to her for anything. Today I still live with he same pain I

It seemed like I had it all, good grades, amazing family and friends, and top runner on the cross-country and track team in high school. But, on the inside I was struggling. I hit rock bottom in April of 2012. I was flirting with death. I was a walking skeleton, barely able to plaster that fake smile on that gaunt face. Waking up to exist through another day brimming with self-hatred seemed impossible. My world came crashing down around me, and I finally realized I needed help. I told my parents, thus beginning my journey of overcoming anorexia. I was a ghost of my former self, consumed by a monster inside