My Spiritual Life Essay

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There’s a lot that I have to be thankful to God for this month, just for all the ways he’s been speaking to me through messages, ministry and recent events.

I think that my relationship with God has taken on a new, different dimension since the prayer retreats and talks at the end of last month. God seems even more real and the way that I can pray and relate with him now seems more “relational and personal.” In general I’ve been able to identity as spiritual thirst this nagging feeling that I’ve always had before, of insecurity or of being unsettled. Before, I didn’t really understand or know what to do about this feeling so I would seek distraction or escape – or reassurance in the image of togetherness or competence that I kept of
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A couple of good talks I had this past month came about through a lot battling my desire to take an easier way out and through deliberately praying for strength to “discharge the duties of ministry.” It turns out that the guys are responding positively overall, so I’m glad, but I also have this feeling of regret that I hadn’t built deeper, more spiritual, relationship with these guys sooner because I could have, and maybe they’d be in a better place today if I did. On the same note, Lawrence’s suicide was a sobering wake-up call for me to build ministry relationships with much more deliberate direction and urgency. He lived in the floor below me senior year, but I still barely knew him. The problem I had then and still have now is that my heart is tight and my schedule is not open to people – it’s that attitude that I need to just take care of my responsibilities and anything that doesn’t seem directly connected to me is not my business. It’s hypocritical of me to claim to be a Christ-follower and minister, yet still allow this attitude to dictate my life. When Ajith Fernando talked about that quote “Obedience does not depend on the temperature of the heart,” I realized that this needs to be a point that I internalize and preach to myself again and as I try to deal with the many manifestations of my pain-avoidance, particularly in relationships with people. The mere fact that I don’t feel like
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