Personal Narrative: Growing Up

My entire life, I’ve known that there was something a little different about me. The way that my classmates interacted with each other was always strange to me. Valentine’s Day didn’t make sense and watching Disney movies where the princess always gets her prince just didn’t feel right. I tried to think like my male classmates and feign feelings for girls. It was not until middle school when I finally began to understand exactly why I was so different. I’m gay. And this scared me.

As a child I suffered tremendously with confusion, self hatred, and misunderstanding about my own sexuality. Growing up queer in a small town is never an easy thing. I went through years of denial, and hid all of my thoughts about what I thought could be. I was so muddled in an all too common train of thought that my first conclusion was that I was incapable of loving another human being. Having never experienced honest crushes or any emotional or physical attraction to the opposite sex, I was very frightened for my ability to one day have a family. This thought put me into a mode of paranoia and panic. I began to search any place I could for any other possibility, hoping for some form of medication or therapy to ail me of what I thought was a mental illness. After only a few minutes at the computer, I realized there was nothing wrong with my mind, or capability to love. I am just gay.

I was crippled and trapped between choosing what my society had taught me, what was considered to be right, and what I thought was better for me. Prior to summer academy and my immigration to the United States, I had a problem finding my true self in matters like accepting homosexuality. My thoughts and my judgments were corrupt in a sense that my reaction towards such people was solemnly based on what I had been taught. I was born and raised in an environment where homosexuality was considered to be an abomination and unlawful. After immigrating to the United States, I had little to no encounters with people who considered themselves as gay or lesbian etc. Unfortunately for me, upon attending the summer program, I was paired with a person who considered himself to be gay. Initially, every thought I had was filled with ignorance and closed mindedness. But then as time progressed and my grade depended on his effort, I decided to put all the negativity and what I knew aside and tried to learn something from this friend. By the end of the program, I found out that this person was just like me: funny, amiable, sociable and essentially the difference that existed between him and me, was our sexual

I knew it would be a challenging for my family to accept me being gay. Being the only gay male in the family was not as easy as it sounded in my head. I decided to wait for the “right time”. As years passed, it took a toll out of

Growing up, I associated the word “gay” and “lesbian” with negative connotation or the very stereotypical image of what I believed that to be. Because I did not identify with what the stereotypical lesbian looked like and acted like, it took me a very long time to properly identify the feelings I had towards girls. When I started to ask myself the question “could I be gay?” I was filled with anxiety and stress. I prayed every night to make me normal and stop having these feelings, but it never went away. Before I finally looked in a mirror and uttered the words “I’m gay”, I went through a long stage of denial. However, my cloud of denial started lifting during my freshman year of high school and I realized that I didn’t like Katy Perry in just a platonic way.

Neither my mother, my father, nor my other closest friends know. It is the aspect of my personality that defines me the most, yet it also haunts me every day. Being the oldest of three siblings, I carry my family’s pride on my shoulders. The pressure of success stands before me, with only my sense of masculinity to prove my worth. Growing up in an environment scrutinized by homophobic comments, the love that my family has for me is conditioned to an untruthful assumption that leads me to questioning the loyalty I have to myself. All my parents claim to want is my happiness, but how can I truly be happy if suppressing my identity is the only way to prove my sense of purpose towards them? I want to express my sexuality with a burning passion; I want it to come out with the intensity of a lion’s roar. Yet, how can I truly be loyal to myself if the options are either hiding who I am to make those I love the most proud, or coming out and being true to my

For many months I wished desperately to be straight, despite my tolerance, and outright political activism for the LGBT+ community. At night, looking in the mirror my voice fell through, becoming hoarse and weak at the term gay. It couldn’t apply to me, it couldn’t.

After taking the self assessment on sexuality, my score came out as a 38. After analyzing where I got these beliefs from, I came to the conclusion that my family and my friend Kailey were the biggest influences. Growing up my mom was always an open book, not that she would come walk up to you, but she would answer any questions about gender or sexuality if you asked it. I never did but I had overheard her talking to my brother one time and she did talk to me and let me know one time that she was there if I had questions. My aunt is a hairdresser and a social butterfly. While going to beauty school and throughout her jobs at different resorts she has made many friends, quite a few of them gay males. My middle and high school years were spent around her, my family, and her friends. No one ever made it seem as though it was

Being a kid seemed so easy. So consumed in your own imagination that nothing else seemed to matter, too busy to realize the reality. An occasional tear if hurt or scared. It was nice when monsters in the dark crowded dreams, only to soon disappear when you woke up. But there comes a certain age when you are thrown into the den.

Homosexuality can be described as a persistent and predominant sexual attraction to persons of one’s own sex (Family Doctor, 2010). Yet, homosexuality means different things for different people. Some individuals have same-sex attractions and consider themselves to be homosexuals. Whereas others may have unwanted same-sex attractions, yet refuse to identify as homosexual due to fears or strong religious convictions. Some individuals who identify as homosexual claim to have always known that they’ve been different. They feel abnormal, like they do not fit into the heterosexual world. There are other individuals who may not discover that they are homosexual until they have married and had children. There are four aspects to consider in homosexuality: feelings, behavior, identity, and way of life. The onset of same sex-attractions happen at different times for each individual. Some claim to have experienced it early in life, early adulthood, or during a mid-life crisis (Exodus Global Alliance, 2016). Many young individuals struggle to hide their sexuality and is coined “being in the closet”. Coming out is when an individual decides to tell family members and friends about their true sexuality. The strength of these attractions are also varied, some claiming to have strong feelings or weak feelings. Others claim they’ve always had same-sex attractions believing they were “born gay”, however there is no solid scientific evidence to support this claim (Worthen, 2016).

I believe one’s upbringings and childhood environment defines a person. In addition, I believe one’s life experience forms one’s sexual orientation as well as biological factors. I have been very sheltered in life and was not expose to a lot of things. For example, I don’t remember seeing gay people as a child. However, I do remember my parents talking about gay people, but whenever I asked what gay meant, my parents refused to answer. Therefore, I didn’t really know there was an option other than heterosexual. I question how exactly not knowing about homosexuality has played a role in my own sexual orientation; On one hand, I believe by not being exposed that led me to be heterosexual, and on the other hand, I believe I just don’t have the biological factors of a homosexual person. I do not know what makes me heterosexual and other homosexual. Furthermore, I don’t truly remember having an aha-moment about my sexual orientation, mainly because I haven’t truly had any relationships with people in general. However, it was very clear I liked guys beginning in high school—I fan-girled at every friend my brother brought home. I do find it strange that it took me until high school to actually want a relationship. I don’t know if this is due to being sheltered and told not to have a relationship until after twenty-five or if I developed later. I distinctly remember friends asking me why I didn’t fangirl at guys in gym class in middle school. Instinctively, the very next moment, I

Prior to my birth, we will take a look at my family history that shaped much of my behavior and the evolution of my sexuality. My father was born in Tehran, Iran and grew up there by the age of 16. While discussion about my father’s past, he mentioned that my grandparents were very adamant that he was to focus on education rather than working and trying to make a family. My father said that his sexuality developed at a young age (5) and he lost his virginity at the age of 13. When my father moved to the United States to escape the oncoming religious persecution and restrictions in Iran. At the age of 15, my

Why is it so difficult to come out as a Homosexual male? There are several reasons some might hide their sexuality for a longer time than anticipated. It has also been proven that coming out as a homosexual can improve quality of life such as making the individual feel confident and happier within themselves. With the favorable effects also come the adverse effects of coming out. Some of these reasons may include, but for sure not limited to, dealing with stereotypes from the community, being disowned by loved ones and encountering homophobic individuals. Today I will tell my experience of coming out as a homosexual male to my friends and family. I will also share with you their reactions, comments and the ridiculous stereotypes that lingered and potentially could’ve destroyed my relationship with the people I love.

junior year where a transgender friend of mine named Anthony, formerly known as Annie, spent a large amount of time to get me out of my shell and that was the first time I truly felt attracted to someone. Anthony was the first one to teach my heartbreak, since the concept of attraction and relationships were new to me I never considered asking him out and someone asked first. From that day I was cauterized to the idea of relationships, not from the lessons I had been taught simply from the pain that could come from rejection. With even more reinforcement from my education of: “The human body was thought of as a means towards procreation and production; penis and vagina were instruments of reproduction, not of pleasure”(Katz). After the fiasco that was Anthony I found myself reaching for that connection again with someone else, but I could not get past the pain to open up to another until my senior year. On my senior choir field trip down to Disneyland for a competition I started the foundation of my first true relationship. The official relationship was going for three or four months then it ended due to my emotional and communicational inadequacies. But with her, that was the first time I felt what I could really call love and to this day I still feel it even though we are no longer dating. She was the one that had me truly change to believe I heterosexual. The strange part to my sexuality, similar to my experience with physical interaction, I cannot

As years went by, as I began to enter puberty, I started to take more interest in boys. While in the locker room during physical education, I detected that I was sexually attracted to boys. Although, I did date a few girls here in there it was nothing serious (specially because we did not even kiss.) During my period of adolescence, I never thought about what I was. All the things that took place in the emotional and sexual real were, admittedly, real and concrete to me. I experienced real feelings for other boys, such as love and sexual attraction. At the same time, I never really confronted my feelings, so I continued to have them without having to worry about them. They just were, and that was fine with me. While some people claimed that my sexuality was “unnatural” (a claim which did not affect me in any shape or form), for me, my homosexuality was very natural indeed.