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Personal Narrative-Homosexuality

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all my life, i've been told that i don't exist. pansexuality? it's a foreign concept to many, but for me, it's my entire reality. it's sewn into me with star-bright, skin-tight stitches, something i can't avoid seeing and feeling and having, and yet- yet other people can't perceive it, can't understand it, can't even begin to comprehend its existence. it's strange, really; sometimes i hate it for being a part of me, so complex and so obscure and so goddamn unknown, but i never have the heart to tear those threads apart- never. after all, it'd be like unravelling the fabric of my very own soul, uncurling the lifelines holding my very being together; and i can't do that, i can't get rid of what's already been woven into me from the beginning …show more content…

it had felt like the embodiment of stormy-grey, all raging tornados and furious turbulence within me, and it had felt like something had swollen up in my ribs, grazing at my organs till i was bleeding with crimson self-hatred on the inside. my lungs had felt knotted and fractured, somehow, as though there had been a brick tied to them dragging them down into the very pit of my stomach; and there had been a lump in the back of my throat, growing bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger till i'd been choking with it, unable to inhale, unable to …show more content…

still, no-one i associated with in real life was queer, and still no-one could truly understand what it felt like. still, i was detached and isolated and completely and utterly alone, and still i was stuck in a suffocating community of religious extremists and intolerant homophobes. so you can only imagine my ecstacy about a year after i'd come out, when A and i had been speaking into the night about god knows what- and then, and then she'd come out as pan too. as i write this, her coming out had only been a week ago, so it's almost burned into the back of my eyelids. i'd been fucking euphoric at the time, which wasn't so good, because whenever i'm happy, i tend to forget the details and feelings of a particular moment. luckily, at 5am, a delirious and joyful me had charged my phone and written it out, spilled my every sentiment onto a blank note-page, detailed the entire event in what it meant to me, all in the form of a narrative; after all, creative writing is one of my passions, and i felt a carnal longing to capture the beauty of that moment somewhere. and here it

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