Personal Narrative: When I Still Am

Twenty-six years ago I a 17-year-old boy joined the United States Army. I served my country faithfully for 22 years, two months and four days; I served in the Transportation Corps. My time in the army was a special period in my life. I gain a lot of life experiences as well as professional ones; the military shaped and molded me into the husband, father son, and brother that I am today. During my service, I grew up and learned several life lessons that would serve me well in and out of the army. To get a real understand on how the military shaped me into the person, I am today; I must first give you some insight into the person I was before I left for basic training. I graduated high school in 1991 just four months’ shy of my 18th birthday;

“One day you’ll find your voice”, my mom would always tell me. I was never very sure that I would when I was younger. I was shy, insecure and feared confrontation, but everything started to change in December of 2012.

Not only did I lose confidence in myself, but I lost my ability to stick up for myself. I remember countless times I would finally acquire the courage and confidence to say or do something, but as soon as I would take action, someone would wreck my short-lived moment of confidence by deprecating me. People could walk all over me, and I wouldn’t do anything about it. As an easy target, they knew I would never stick up for myself, because I wanted to create peace and please everyone. Never creating conflicts and having everyone’s friendship are all I had concern for. Little did I know, I belittled myself, making myself seem so insignificant, as if I were just a speck, allowing everyone to shine but

Growing up I struggled to complete simple tasks such as approaching people when I needed help, being so afraid of everything was difficult. I was anxious of what others might think of me and what they might say to me. I was a normal child on the outside but on the inside I was fighting a whole new battle with myself to find my voice and to

As I grew older I found it became difficult to put myself out there in front of people. People allowing judgement to be whispered through a room like black smoke expanding to its atmosphere. The hormones of teens could only let my mind overthink and believe the worst possible scenario would happen. I permitted my thoughts to swallow

Growing up a quiet girl in a family of outspoken children and adults left me tasked with finding a place for myself. When I was younger, when asked a question, most of the time I would be too shy to answer. On the rare occasions where I'd build up the courage to speak, I could never get my response out before my mother or some other relative would answer for me. If someone asked me "How are you doing?," there'd be a long pause of silence before, finally, someone else would pipe in and respond "Sorry, she's just shy, and she's doing fine." Countless recurrences of this scene eventually led me to realize that within in my family, I would always be spoken over and that if I wanted my voice to be heard, I would have to find another medium to express myself.

As I have gotten older and continue to get older, I start to care less about how others view me and accept that this an important characteristic that defines who I am. Talking to new people is a challenge, but one that I welcome. Self improvement is a terrifying thing to think about because of the difficulties it presents, but the end result is always satisfactory. My physical response to hard situations may not change, but my mental response can. My heart races, palms get sweaty, legs get shaky, and voice gets froggy. Afraid, but accepting and learning from each terrifying

In present day one of my best friends had noticed that when I’m at home I talk excessively. She and my mom both agree that I say it how it is, I don’t care what people think about my opinion, and I’m very loud. I seem to be a confident person, and for a while that side of me did show up at school, but it was because the training gave me self assurance to feel it’s okay to be yourself. Now that I had to recently stop all that training, it’s harder for me to use my voice to speak up or state my opinion at school. I went back to the shell I tried so hard to get out of and I am aware that the way I articulate my words changes based on the environment. For example, if I’m in a classroom I speak very quietly, I don't participate as much as I used to, and I try to avoid class discussions. I truly think it’s because I’m still very intimidated by the students who used to tease me in elementary school and in past recent years. Since in the past I didn't stand up to those particular students who hurt me, it’s hard for me in present day to read a sentence off the SmartBoard in my English

As a child my peers judged me harshly, and I know for a fact that that is the reason I sometimes let other people’s opinions affect the way I do things. Because I was so used to being a follower as a child, as an adult, I have a hard time taking the reins in my own hands and assuming control. As a result of my childhood, a quote that I try my best to live my life by is,

The main thing I notice is the mind-boggling smell of cleanser. My eyes flew open and gradually changed in accordance with the brilliant light coordinated towards my face. "Where am I?" I ponder internally.

“Bang!” There goes the clamor noise of the gun that scares me every time. As I’m sprinting I feel the gush of wind brushing against my face, almost like a miniature fan. I am never going to stop or give up just because I am in second place mid race. I am going to keep being unwavering.

You know that child on the playground. The one with the really sweet personality, that gets along with everyone? I was that child. When I was little, my mother would take me to work with her. She would joke around that I was really everybody’s child because I did not have stranger wariness. I was never considered shy or timid. I was pretty confident with my abilities and never really cared what others thought of me. However, throughout my life I began to focus more on the opinions of others rather than my own. I became sculpting clay in the hands of my peers, my family, and above all my own conscious mind.

Self doubt is a strong, yet underestimated, emotion. It can squeeze into one’s brain, filling all cracks of empty space like a balloon, pushing out confidence and adventure. Fear drives away the yearning to take risks and leaves one with only the ability to ponder on what could have been. As a child, I sometimes forgot that taking leaps of faith is important to maintain a joyous lifestyle. When around new people I kept my mouth shut and refused to cause any trouble. My mom now claims that this was a good thing, boasting about how I was an easy child. I’d beg to differ.

“You learn something new every day,” my father had always said to me. Whether it’s a fact or something you learned about yourself or others, the world has so much to teach you. When I was in seventh grade, I lacked confidence in myself. I was scared of reading in front of others and messing up. I felt like a mistake. I was terrible under pressure. I could always feel my heart pounding inside my chest whenever I had to present a project in front of the class. I was like this until one of my favorite teachers, Ms.Secko taught me lessons that I will never forgot. She taught me confidence and character.

Being a social butterfly with the difficulty to speak her mind may seem contradictory, however the causes of past experience provide evidence. Main causes for self struggles include my upbringing and insecurities. My upbringing from a Hispanic household had influenced my understanding of adults to be respected and not to question their authority. What my parents said was law, no questions about it. Respect slowly turned to fear as I grew older due to consequences and punishments I received. My insecurities slowly conquered my thoughts at the age of 10, preventing me from speaking to any adult. I felt as if everything I said or did was incorrect, triggering my silence inside and outside the classroom. My silence slowly spiraled my life downwards causing my fear of authority to follow me from middle