Reflection Paper

On May 11th 2013, my grandma passed away due to pancreatic cancer. A little later that year on September 25th, my mom received a call from my aunt in Guam that my dad had passed away in his sleep. Then on May 14th 2014, my grandpa passed from complications of an allergic reaction to a medication. So within a year, I was left to deal with three immediate family deaths, one right after another. Losing such important figures in one’s life could leave someone depressed and unmotivated to move on with their own life and to rise above those challenges is difficult, yet possible. During this time of hardship, I grew discouraged and saddened, but over time I became motivated to set aside these struggles and make a change.

The realization that my father, best friend, and mentor had lived his last day became more real. The worst part was the guilt that ate at me from the inside. I was the one that killed my father. As I returned to school, I got pity stares during passing periods, vague exchanges of “I am sorry for you loss” from my peers, and worst of all was whispers from my classmates that I was the one that was driving when the car flipped. When I returned home things were not much better, because my return meant that my mother had to pick herself up and act strong for me. I knew it was an act, and she wanted nothing more than for my father to walk through the front door with our pizza which we ate every Wednesday and his vibrant attitude that followed his entrance. As the days passed, I became a recluse. I became depressed. I never wanted to leave the house because that meant that I had to dress in something other than my father’s old raggedy Hard Rock shirt and I would have to face the rumors and sympathy from all that I encountered. My father’s death impacted more than just me and my mother. His friends no longer had someone to hunt or joke with, and his coworkers no longer had someone to confide in. My father’s attitude was contagious and inspiring to all he

Over the course of the semester, there has been numerous amount of areas where I believe I have improved in comparison to high school. What has helped me in my writing is the writing class and the in-class writing workshop. The writing class that is located in the Kremen education building has helped me with my writing greatly because in the writing center the person in charge teach us lenses and we apply those lenses to the writing, draft, or reading that someone brings in. The in-class writing workshop has helped me because other students get to read my writing. This is helpful because I get feedback from many students and they let me know what needs to be fixed. A new tool I have been using is They Say I Say. The book is very helpful because of the information and examples it provides such as the templates. I have been applying the templates into my essays and I have seen a significant difference.

This last trimester I attended the class, Introduction to College Writing. I enjoyed the class and enjoyed the challenges the class brought. I have always loved to write papers, but my grade did not always reflect my enthusiasm. I took honors classes most of my high school career, learning how to write a very specific type of essay, with strict structures and numerous restrictions. This class taught me how to write different types of papers, and put my personality into the paper. I am ready for English 102 due to the skills that I acquired during this course.

When my parents split up, I prayed to God to help my mom win custody over my siblings and me. Every night they would go unanswered, so I prayed that my dad would stop being a monster. That didn’t work either. My parents split up because they would fight a lot and because my dad was a mean person. He would abuse us with anything he could get his hands on because he would get angry at the littlest things. An example, is when me and my sister shared a room but we didn’t get along so one night we got into a huge argument and my dad ‘spanked’ us with a wooden board. I prayed that everything would get better for my family. No, I didn’t want them to get back together, I just wanted all the fighting to stop. Still every time I prayed it seemed to go unheard, unanswered. So, I gave up on religion, I quit praying and ended up resenting God. Even though I quit believing in Him, I never let my mom loose her faith. I would talk her into going to church any time that she could. I went along with her because I was trying to get some connection back to God. Nothing seemed to work for me, so I just stopped trying. I believed that if there was a God then he is cruel and doesn’t care.

I thought I knew pain; I wrong. True pain floods the encompasses a person. The anguish overwhelms every aspect of their lives. I first saw true pain in the eyes of poverty. During my seventh grade year, I had the opportunity to go on my first mission trip. The young, naive version of myself who flew into Haiti never returned, but was replaced with a new, wiser rendition who is determined to change the world.

It was on a cold day in January, 2015 when I thought my whole world was going to be flipped upside down. We were living at my grandmother’s house at the time, and in the back of my mind I knew that we were going to move into our own house because that was the plan ever since we sold our old house. With this in mind, I still remember how I felt when my parents came home one night and said, “Our offer on a house was accepted and that we were moving at the end of summer.” I visited this house with them before, but we visited many houses over the past couple years so it sort of came as shock that everything was official. Living at my grandmother’s house was not ideal and it was no walk in the park so I was happy that I was going to have a place my family could call our own again. Although I was excited, I was also nervous and scared because the house is located 45 minutes away from where we currently live. That meant I was going to leave my friends and family and basically everything I’ve ever known.

Over the course of this semester, there have been a number of on-campus programs that I have worked to facilitate including orientation, the Involvement Fair, “Before the Course”, Commuter Student Appreciation Week, Diwali, “Mini Commuter Student Appreciation Week”, the Graduate Student Study Break Session, and Cram Jam, in addition to several off-campus trips that I have supervised. I have found that a vast majority of programs have broadened my perspectives since I got to learn and understand many of the scheduling difficulties that make it difficult for graduate students and commuter students to attend events. However, one of the most eye-opening programs for me was the Diwali event since I got to learn more about the international student population at Merrimack, as well as how different cultures observe this special occasion. I have also attempted to attend some of the events of the clubs and organizations I have worked closely with, but given my busy schedule I have only been able to attend events hosted by the CSA and Italian Club. Nonetheless, I have found my attendance to be extremely valuable as I aim to show my support for all the hard work they continue to do. Additionally, I have also worked to get involved in the campus community through other contexts outside of my fellowship including the student conduct board and graduate student senate.

Dive into the perils that is writing. All of us have been writing since we were young. Throughout this semester of English, I have learned how to write in APA, and I have learned how to use every detail possible to extend and expand my essays. The literacy narrative essay, research essay, and annotated bibliography have all been essays I have written this semester, and each one has been a different challenge.

Since the beginning of the semester, my writing has changed and evolved to accommodate and sustain longer essays. With longer essays, there is more room for in-depth analysis. Further analyzing a topic has led me to findings that I did not know existed. As I continue to write, I uncover addition and superior methods to approach my writing to the benefit of me and therefore, my audience. Throughout the semester, I have incorporated techniques to further my narrative throughout my writing.

After years of suffering abuse at the hands of my mother, I decided to take back my life and freedom. On July 4th 2014, I boarded a train from Chicago to California to leave the comfort of all I’ve ever known and ventured into uncharted territory. For three days, I sat on that train, just my books and my thoughts for company. By leaving, there was a stronger chance of a promising future for myself. What I didn’t know at that time was that I was headed towards heart-shattering changes that made me who I am today: a resilient, independent woman.

Before I left Spelman for my domestic exchange at LSU and Stanford, that story was just a good memory, but when I was away, its importance to me was more than nostalgic, it was an example of the power black love. HBCU campuses, like Spelman, create spaces for loving blackness not only to cultivate self-worth or restore dignity but also to activate black love as political resistance. What I experienced with the Outdoors club and what I took for granted before I left Spelman’s campus was how supporting, encouraging, accepting, and acknowledging blackness in the classrooms and on campus was a daily enactment of loving blackness as political resistance. For example, when I am in convocation and the student introducing themselves before introducing the speaker declares their major and the audience roars “YAASSSSSS,” that is intellectual reinforcement and support from their peers. The applause is to congratulate the student for making it this far, declaring to continue, and letting them know that they are not alone, but they are in fact supported. At a PWI, this would either be considered ratchet or it would not happen at all. Furthermore, loving blackness as political resistance looks like the letter that the professors of Spelman College signed in support of the students’ protests and awareness campaign on sexual assault and sexual violence with the AUC. A student or a group of students on Spelman’s campus started a sexual assault and sexual violence campaign with the hashtag

Our culture aches for the truth of who we are and what we are created for. I know this ache.

In life, everyone gets to experience moments that they will cherish forever, as well as the ones that hurt to look back at. I’ve had the disappointing pleasure of having these moments back to back years. They both have to deal with the sport that challenges me from all aspects in life. Wrestling has ran in the Ybarra family for generations. I felt great coming out of sophomore year, as the Class B, 126 pound state champion. Before I knew it, I was already walking the halls as a Junior after the summer of 2016 flew past. I wish I could say Junior year went as tremendous as the year before, but that just wasn’t the case.

In the tapestry of life, I’ve learned to be accustomed to people from diverse colors of race, textures of beliefs and patterns of culture. In every stage and in different settings, I have been surrounded by different threads of individuals with their unique life experiences. Each experience and relationship have women me into an expressive piece of fabric that rejects the narrowness of uniformity.