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I feel a rushing sensation, a whooshing sound; like the sound you hear when you press your ear to a window facing a city street. My sense of sound is more a tactile vibration than actual sound and my entire body seems to thrum with it. The thrumming reaches a crescendo and as it does I feel tiny pieces of me, an outer layer, vibrate loose in a cloud around me. I slide away from the peak and the vibration becomes a soft AUMMMMMM. I am standing at the end of a very long, brilliantly lit hallway. Everything is a stark white except one long band of red that snakes along the wall from where I stand into oblivion. I am calling out to my mother, but she is impossibly far away…down at the end of this very long hall. She speaks and as if from a great …show more content…

Bright white light scours into me, the intensity of the light casts a shadow of pain across my vision. I am trapped, strapped to a bed. My arms are bound at my sides, my feet to the end of the bed. I try to scream but there are tubes in my mouth and up my nose. I experience a distinct feeling of terror-gagging-breath. I hear my mother speaking. She is at the end of the bed and her words are calm, soothing, pleading. “Johnny, can you hear me?” my eyes open even wider terror gripping me, I nod. “Johnny, if you promise not to pull the tubes out, we can unstrap your hands and feet. Do you understand me, the doctors will remove the restraints if you promise not to pull the tubes out.” I nod with conviction. First one and then the other of my hands is unbound and then they turn to my feet. I look around and as they turn I reach up for the tube in my mouth and pull. Inky …show more content…

I ask for my mother and am told that she can’t be with me right now. A day and then two pass and I begin to learn about the other children on the floor with me. Some of them are very ill, frail and almost listless in their responses. Some are like any other child, silly, funny, playful…all of them carry the weight of serious illness. Eventually my mom does visit on a Thursday, the day of the week the clowns visit. Her eyes are puffy from crying, “You have been very sick,” I don’t feel sick. “You are getting better, you cannot come home yet.” More time passes, I am interviewed and questioned and develop relationships with the nurses and doctors and the dying children. I am finally released the day before Halloween. I am led to believe my extended hospital stay was the result of a life-threatening bout of pneumonia. For most of my adolescence and more intensely through puberty, I would have these peculiar but hyperreal daydreams of my mother at the end of this long white hall. They felt like waking

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