Summary Of Deborah Tannen's Not What I Meant

Deborah Tannen and William Lutz both discuss the difficulty of communicating. Their point of views may be different, but their conclusion is the same. Men and women have difficulties of communicating. Not because the two genders want to be complicated but simply because we don’t realize how or what we’re doing when it’s happening.

Although many books have been written about communication and connection in relationships, there has been a book that addresses precisely this wonderful process as has James C. Petersen in his book: Why Don’t We Listen Better? And it is precisely the way in which the parts he divided the book that takes the reader to a better understanding of what the personal relationships connections through communications are concerned.

On the one hand, Tannen’s logic maybe problematic, as she assumes that communication is the heart of the greatest marital problems. Even though this was in written in 1990 many aspect of marital problems have risen, into many different problems. For instance, marriage does not always end due to the lack of communication, anything

Deborah Tannen’s essay “But What Do You Mean?” focuses on what she claims are differences between men and women when it comes to social interaction. The essay is sectioned into seven categories, in which she talks about how men and women tend to think and react when it comes to apologizing, criticizing, thanking, fighting, praising, complaining, and joking with others. In general, she seems to promote the idea that women tend to be more polite and refined, considering the feelings of others when conversing and taking everything as a formality. In contrast, men are apparently more blunt, taking a more direct approach with matters and being more unconcerned with how they may affect others. Women tend to automatically apologize and thank others

Relationships, one of the key factors of the advancement of humanity. We all are surrounded by relationships, some may be easier to identify than others. But one relationship which stands out greater than the rest is the one between a married couple. These people are usually from completely different families and unite together to decide to spend the rest of their lives together. But sometimes the relationship does not work out. We can witness this in Sinclair Ross’s short story The Painted Door, in which Ann a farmer’s wife who has cheated on her husband John, which has brought the end of Johns life and ultimately the end of their relationship. It is arguable that the reason behind Ann cheating and bringing the end to their relationship arguably is isolation, neglection and lack of understanding, but what is the root cause of all these problems in their relationship? The answer is simple lack of communication. Thus, it is the lack of communication which has caused isolation, neglection and the lack of understanding of each other in the relationship, resulting in the failure of the relationship.

Within the essay, “But What Do You Mean?”, author Deborah Tannen explains several main areas of miscommunication between men and women. Within her article, she goes section-by-section comparing men and women’s preferred style of communication. She concludes that while men and women may communicate differently, neither are wrong. To address this concern, she suggests using language both parties can understand. On the other hand, in William Lutz article, “The World of Doublespeak,” he takes a different approach to language discrepancies. Lutz introduces the idea of doublespeak as inherently negative. He starts by proceeding to discuss types of doublespeak subcategory-by-subcategory. Within his subcategories, he gives various real-world examples from various aspects of communication. The conclusion Lutz resolves to claims that doublespeak impedes communication, and thus should be eliminated. Overall, despite both authors exploring aspects of language the tone, categorization, and conclusions are different.

Some may think Sexual infidelity is the leading cause for break ups in short term relationships. However, poor communication is the biggest factor that causes couples to break up. In Richard Ford’s “Under the radar” and Ernest Hemmingway’s “Hills like White Elephants” poor communication is the reason for the couples’ dilemma. In the Ford Story, Marjorie, the wife withholds information from Steven her husband about an affair. While in the Hemmingway Tale the couple cannot find a mutual solution to a pregnancy.

In “Sex, Lies and Conversation” Deborah Tannen argues that the problems of men and women in marriage are caused by a misunderstanding rather than lack of communication. Throughout the passage she discusses theses misunderstandings and reveals the solution to the problem.

Like in “Hills like White Elephants,” the lack of communication in this story is causing a crisis in the characters’ relationship. The couple is going through this critical situation because they can’t find a mutual base for their marriage. The husband and his wife are in different levels of maturity. He is already a grown up man who doesn’t care for a cat that is getting wet in the rain, while the wife still presents a childish behavior.

In society today, we encounter various types of interpersonal communication. We all must understand the balance and the outcomes communication provides, nonetheless, helps us improve in our own relationships. In David Russell's’ film, “ Silver Linings Playbook” the main character, Pat, is trying to rebuild his life and his marriage, all while having a mental disorder. By using the film and my own daily interactions in my life, I will be using terms and concepts to be able to analyze communication styles that are effective and ineffective.

Interpersonal communication can be described as communication that occurs between two or more individuals. While communication can be either verbal, nonverbal, or written, interpersonal communication is more commonly practiced through face to face, verbal communication (Burton, 2011). The interpersonal communication process begins with a “sender”, which is the person that is communicating a message to another person. The “receiver” is the person that is retrieving the message from the sender. It is then the receiver’s job to interpret the message, and give feedback to the sender, allowing them to know that the message was received, and understood (Burton, 2011).

Throughout the semester, we have studied numerous communication theories. Their purpose is to help understand exactly what happens when we interact with others. We might not necessarily agree with all of the theories, but the idea is to develop tools to evaluate situations we may encounter. Often, when the theories are explained in the readings or lecture, it is beneficial to apply the concepts to a "real life" situation. Using this approach, I will use a situation that many of us have faced, or will face, and analyze it according to a particular communication theory.

Throughout the semester there were various aspects of communication that I felt applied to me. It was not, however, until the latter half of the semester that I experienced my greatest revelation regarding my abilities as a communicator. While studying the 12th chapter in the textbook, Interplay The Process of Interpersonal Communication, I learned

Communication is an ongoing process in which individuals exchange messages whose meanings are influenced by the history of the relationship and the experiences of the participants. (Adler, p.384) Communication depends on relationships between the people who are communicating, and on common basics between them. Problems in communications between people may arise due to differences in cultures, perceptions, values, and expectations from life.

Interpersonal Communication Competence is defined as constantly communicating in a way that is effective, appropriate, and ethical (McCornack, 2016). When a person is communicating competently, they are following social norms, are able to accomplish their goals, and treating persons in an unbiased manner. In my paper I will be discussing my own interpersonal communication competence and the evaluations that I, and my close companions, have made about my ability to communicate proficiently. I will begin my essay by explaining what effective and appropriate communication consists of, and follow up with my argument on how effective and appropriate I am in my interpersonal relationships. As I continue I will examine my empathy and why I am strong in this aspect of communication, followed by my deliberation of my conversation management and why I am weak in this category and how I could possibly improve. As I near the conclusion of my paper I will focus on my interpersonal communication motivation, knowledge, and skills. After reporting my scores in each category I will reflect on my skills, my lowest score, and explore why I am poorest at this quality and how I can grow in my capabilities. Overall I am a competent communicator, but enhancements can be made in my conversation management, effectiveness and skills in order to build up my competence.