TO BILLY: No. The author portrays the tensions between adoptive and biological mother-daughter relationships quite realistically in this piece, capturing various sentiments quite concisely. However, there are a large number of grammatical, mechanical, and development-related errors that interfere with the reading of this piece, and would require remediation before the piece should be taken further into consideration.
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
Pg1, P1, L2 - The word “meet” implies that the action is for the first time; thus, “for the first time” comes across as repetitive in this line. I would recommend removing the “for the first time” in this line as a result.
Pg1, P1, L1-2 - The ideas in these two lines seem to
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Moreover, they seem to be implied from the use of the word “meet”, as “meeting” only occurs “in person” (for the most part). Thus, I would recommend removing the words “in person” for brevity’s sake.
Pg1, P2, L3-4 - It would be necessary to restructure this sentence to avoid using a misplaced modifier. One possible restructuring could read as follows: “on a business trip in New York City, only a forty five-minute drive from Chris’ upstate home”.
Pg1, P2, L4 - Because you are introducing her birth mother in this paragraph as well as her adoptive/foster mother, I feel as though it would aid your piece if you clarified Laurie’s relation to Chris sooner rather than later. This could be done in this line by adding an adjective such as “foster” before “mom” in this line.
Pg1, P2, L5 - I wonder if you should set off Chris’ thoughts in a new paragraph, or perhaps differentiate them from the rest of the paragraph with the use of italics/quotation marks, as they seem to be a separated
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I feel as though the appositive phrase is largely unnecessary in this line and could be removed without interfering with the meaning or with the flow of the piece.
Pg1, P3, L4 - I feel as though a stronger conjunction than “and” could be utilized in this sentence, in order to emphasize the anxious state that Chris is currently in. One possible replacement could be “worse yet” or “moreover”.
Pg1, P3, L6-7 - The phrase “It was completely up to her” seems largely unnecessary in this paragraph, as the same idea is conveyed in the sentence before it as well as the sentence after it. Thus, I would recommend removing it-but it’s all up to you!
Pg2, P1, L5 - Because you are recounting past events in an already past-tense narrative, the past perfect tense should be utilized here. As a result, the phrase would read “had told” rather than “told”.
Pg2, P1, L5 - In order to be grammatically correct, a comma alone is not enough to suffice to separate a description and somebody else’s words; instead, a semi-colon could appropriately be used here so that it would read “many times: don’t
1. I believe that the most crucial element to the plot in this chapter is the scene in which the characters present are having a party in the apartment.
Ann Fessler tells about her personal experiences with adoption during the 1950s and 60s in the beginning of the book. The author writes about herself being adopted and dealing with the difficult reality of finding her birth mother. Within the first couple of pages, Fessler says, “My adoptive mother and father were offered very little information about my biological parents.”(2) and “...after forty years of life as an adoptee I was hearing the other side of the story for the first time.”(3). Fessler explaining her past and her personal experience with adoption is one of her examples that give her ethos. Fessler was never given the chance to meet her birth mother which shows again how the lack of control caused these women's situations to worsen. After having the credibility to tell these girls’ stories, Fessler continued to bring the issue to light.
3) Revise the following list so that the lead-in is clear, easy to understand, and punctuated correctly. In addition, be sure the bullet items are grammatically parallel with one another.
L5 - Why did you choose to replace the “tooth” in this line with “feather” in its repetition later in the piece? I feel as though using the same phrase at the beginning and at the end would serve to bring the piece together back full circle to a further extent, but it’s all up to you!
For each passage, I placed the preceding and following sentences along with the sentence with quotation. The underline sentence is cited work, and I corrected the quotes with errors.
(2) The narrator knows does not know very much about what is happening because in the story it states in paragraph one sentence one " It looked like a good thing: but wait till i tell you". When i read this I realized that the narrator could
8. When using direct quotations in your writing, which of the following should be placed outside the set of
7. Combine the following sentences into ONE stylistic sentence. Use any of the methods discussed in Chapter 8.
Thank you for the opportunity to read the next chapter in your work, “Carrie Anne Pope Comes Home.” I enjoyed the use of the small kid and her mother in the Greyhound bus as a real life image of what Carrie Anne would love to do for her own child, Winnie. I thought that the paragraph starting, “Carrie Anne wanted to make her daughter sandwiches and cut up apples in perfect star shapes. (3)” worked well in particular. The reemergence of routine worked well when Carrie Anne comes home such as her going through the back door as visitors only came through the front door as well as the arrangement of the groceries on page 6 in the fridge which signals to her that Winnie is at home.
1. I think that Mrs. Walker is a single mom who works hard to support her children. Mrs. Walker explains to me that she works a lot of overtime and she depends on Drew to help care for his siblings. I can understand her frustration because she wants the best for Drew and believes that he should not be failing because of his circumstance. I think that Mrs. Walker is frustrated because she wants her child to succeed, but she knows that the added responsibilities are causing him to fail. If Mrs. Walker did not care for Drew's learning, she would have never visited the school expressing her concerns about her child's grade.
I would like to do this individually with N first and then bring in the brothers. She did not mention much of her brothers in class, I think the one was the responsible one making sure homework got done, and the other brother was a best friend to her. I am curious and would like to work with the siblings. I would want to see the roles she would say her brothers had, and if they would agree with those same roles or not. While I have N by herself in the session I would want to work at her feelings associated with the roles she took on, and what her brother’s roles were in relation to hers and process threw those emotions. In the sibling session I would want to have them select for themselves what each other their roles were and see if there were the same as the ones N picked for her brothers. If the roles are not I would have them discuss and work on clearing up the discrepancies, feelings and beliefs held growing up. The next exercise I would want to use would be the Giving Up Control. I remember she said something about having control problems during her story. With just N in session talking about her control or lack of growing up. Working at what were the circumstances that made her feel the need to control and manipulate throughout her life. Also on page 77 the completing the sentence stems and exploring why she filled in what she filled in and the
Are drugs really the answer to anyone’s problems? “Comfortably Numb,” a song, written by Roger Waters of the band Pink Floyd is about depression, mental health and drug use in the music culture. They write about a person who focuses on escaping his own mind because he can’t bear what is going on in the outside world. The band mate retreats to his inner self and is having conflict with the physical world. “Comfortably Numb” is a song (in it’s generation) that most people, who were having problems, could relate to by taking drugs to dull the pain.
And they the champions of the catch say that they are the greatest, but none have yet to conquer monsters as I have, I have battled with the oceans pets and I alone single handed have left
What is the (next accessible) scale of new physics? We do not have a clear answer. We are living through a challenging and exciting era, in sharp contrast to the situation of the past (half) century in physics. The discovery of the Higgs boson, the determination of the non-zero θ13 neutrino mixing parameter, the first detection of gravitation waves, and many greatly improved experimental probes for new physics beyond the standard model mark the great triumphs of our understandings of nature. Profound puzzles of nature, such as hierarchy problem, dark matter, neutrino properties, matter-antimatter asymmetry, strong CP, flavor structure, etc., are actively being explored but yet remain to be solved. However, no