Using Too Much Passive Language Like

1908 Words Nov 6th, 2014 8 Pages
1. The first few sentence in the introduction almost draw me in, but use too much passive language like "...in the...because of...in certain subjects...with in the states..." These sentences are very run-on, and I get lost in what point the author is trying to make by the end of the sentence. I suggest taking out as much passive language that can be identified, cutting run-on sentences in half like, and even rearranging the sentences all together to create a smoother flow of ideas like so: "The United States education system receives a lot of criticism. Students seem to struggle with subjects such as math and science." After that, I would take out the part about competing with other countries and MOVE it to the paragraph in which it is the central idea. Putting that sentence there interrupts the point being made in the first paragraph and confuses me on what the idea/point actually is. You also jump straight into what your innovations are with "My innovations" without telling your audience that we even need a change first. This changes the topic a bit fast and breaks the flow of ideas by jumping from one into another. Put in something about "we need a change" THEN suggest your changes. I also barely understand the thesis because of the lack grammar in the second half of this paragraph. This is very bad for your credibility. Please fix the grammar. I believe your thesis is that we need to become more competitive with other countries in education, create a comfortable working…

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