Using Too Much Passive Language Like

1908 Words Nov 6th, 2014 8 Pages
1. The first few sentence in the introduction almost draw me in, but use too much passive language like "...in the...because of...in certain subjects...with in the states..." These sentences are very run-on, and I get lost in what point the author is trying to make by the end of the sentence. I suggest taking out as much passive language that can be identified, cutting run-on sentences in half like, and even rearranging the sentences all together to create a smoother flow of ideas like so: "The United States education system receives a lot of criticism. Students seem to struggle with subjects such as math and science." After that, I would take out the part about competing with other countries and MOVE it to the paragraph in which it is the …show more content…
Do you want us to improve our education system for the sake of the students or for the sake of the country 's rank compared to other countries? If the purpose of your innovations is to provide a better environment for US students, PLEASE take out the sentences about competing with other countries because they have nothing to do with your paper and make your point very confusing. If improving our country 's global education rank is one of your innovations, please write a separate paragraph explaining how you suggest we go about it and how it ill improve US education. Moving on, I LOVE your explanation on how smaller class sizes/bigger classroom will help students to learn in your sentence "This will lead to both students and teachers being more efficient in their work due to fewer distractions because of the increase space with fewer students." This is a GREAT idea for innovating the system, however, you did not mention it in your introduction! Also, the whole sentence before that (first sentence of second paragraph) is six lines long and I have NO idea what you are trying to say in it and am having trouble identifying your point. After that, take out "of course....probably...", these are extra words and you sound as if yolu are unsure if there will be oppositions or not by saying "probably". Identify who these "many" opposers are and CUT THIS SENTENCE INTO MULTIPLE ONES. It too, is unnecassily long and very unclear. Also the following

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