What I Have A Good Thing?

My story begins with me as a child. Growing up I was very close with my mother and other maternal and feminine figures, so naturally I sought them out in life and found comfort being around them. Throughout elementary school I tended to stick with the girls because this was where I found the most enjoyment. Once I got to middle school, this was still the case. Most of my friends were girls because I felt the most comfortable with girls and they were comfortable with me. I was very naïve at the beginning of middle school and I honestly don’t even think I knew what homosexuality is. This concept was never a concern for me, and never crossed my mind until others forced it upon me.

Being unique or in laymen terms, “weird “is not a terrible thing. I am one of those people society calls wired of those people because, I never had a group to fit in with, I do not hide who I am and also, I do my own thing and don’t try to fit in to society

As early as kindergarten, I was petite and heavier than most kids. Most of the children in my class were a fair complexion whereas mine was sun kissed. I always thought that they would never want to be friends with a girl that looked so different than them. Many of my classmates played together and I would too have scared to ask to play with them so, I would sit at my desk and colored. As the year progressed, I noticed I was not getting invited to any birthday parties or invited to sit with someone at lunch. One day during independent reading, I always sat in the corner of the rug against where the walls would meet when, one of my classmates walked over to me and said, “My friends and I want to read that book so you have to read this one,” she quickly ripped the book out of my hand and threw a different book in my lap. My five-year old self

The fifth grade school year ended very quickly, Mrs.Cullen retired, and my classmates and I moved on to the next chapter of our lifes, sixth grade. As the next school year arrived, I went about sixth grade the same way I had started about fifth grade, I had a ton of friends in my class, and I thought that sixth grade would be a walk in the park. My advisor was Mr.Ferry, and having to write about 1000 times I will not disrupt class, I finally began to approach sixth grade in a different way. In sixth grade I learned the importance of mindfulness, and doing what I loved from

Starting middle school was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. There was a brand new campus to explore, but we were also nervously anticipating the academic program that was about to begin. Most of my grade had been together since the age of four and by this time there were clear social divides. There were the girls who were seen as popular, and then there was everybody else. You could say that I was part of the popular crowd, though at the time I didn’t notice myself standing apart from the others. As a group of friends we got on well, we’d hang out, go to the cinema, have sleepovers, all the usual things friends do. Then things gradually started to change.

As a nine-year-old girl I knew I was not “normal”. I didn’t like boys the way my friends did and I would always push my thoughts about girls away because it was “wrong”. At fourteen I started to come to terms with who I was. The thought of being a lesbian in high school petrified me. I thought I would never be able to openly be myself, I would lose friends and everyone would see me differently. The thought of finding love never crossed my mind because I never knew how I would tell a complete stranger that I was a lesbian. My family was extremely supportive after the initial

Walking into Booth Middle School on the first day of seventh grade, all I wanted was a friend. I cared little about whether they would make an impact on my life; as a newcomer to Peachtree City, I was open to befriend anyone. Within the first week, I met Annabelle. I was so preoccupied with the excitement of having a new friend that I was unaware of how greatly she would impact not only my first day, first week, or first year of middle school, but how vastly she would affect my future.

By October 11th, 2015, everyone knew of my sexuality. Everyone, that is, except my mum. My mum, who I have long been close to, who I have known longer than anyone in the world, was completely unaware of her daughter’s attraction to people of the same gender.

One day I realized that I would pay attention to and have crushes on the female characters in tv shows more than the males. I already knew what being gay was and how my family talked about people who didn't sexually identify as heterosexual, so I tried to hide it and I tried to get rid of my tendency to prefer females. I would be hurt and smile through whenever my parents would joke about gay people and call them names without knowing they were hurting someone they cared about.

As humans, we all conform to one idea or another. These ideas can have positive and negative effects on the people and world around us. We are unable to avoid conformity, but we can show our individuality. Norman Shpancer’s article states that all humans conform to ideas that might not necessarily cause problems, but there are instances where the choices they make cause immense harm to others around them. Logan Feys’ biography on Leopard Man claims that people who act out of the ordinary, or looked at as freaks by society, live a happier life than the “slaves of society.” [Thesis].

I was very different and not everyone liked that about me. Feeling like an outsider made life at school difficult for me. Feeling like an outsider made me feel alone, but it also united me with other people who felt the same way that I did. It really bothered me that I wasn’t like any of the kids at my school and having people who felt the same way as me made things a lot better for me. My friends helped me realize that it doesn’t matter what other people think of me because I had people who loved me for who I am and that’s all that really matters.

Whenever I think about my time in elementary school and even in early middle school, I can't help but just smile, reflecting on how everything in my life appeared to be a perfect chain of events that resulted in who I am now. I remember always being told as a kid that I was shy and didn’t talk much. At first I wondered why I had such a lack of social skills and wondered why I had such a hard time expressing what I thought. While I personally believe I have overcome my shyness and have become a much more open and expressive person, I sill think back to what may have caused that awkward period of time.

I knew from the time I was 12 that I was attracted to females and not males. I grew up with 4 older brothers and just wanted to be one of the guys. I played sports and got dirty, unlike my sisters who danced and talked about boys. I remember over hearing my mom one day while watching a movie with a homosexual scene, how “gross and unnatural” that was. That pushed me even further into my closet. My parents were born and raised Catholics. My mom believed in a marriage between a man and a woman, and anything else was unnatural. She used to say that those were the poor choices people made. I focused my attention on school and sports and even got a job during high school just to keep me distracted and away from home. I figured the less I was around my family the less likely they would be to figure out my secret

What I needed then was someone who could tell me it was okay and someone who would give me the courage to handle the tough stack of cards I had been dealt. I needed a role model who had been through this before me. There was one activist who I researched who helped me come to terms with who I was more than anything. His name is Harvey Milk. Milk spoke about how LGBT people weren't going to get the rights they wanted until people came out of the closet and claimed them. He famously said, “We will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets”. This resonated to 12 years old me more than anything that a parent or a teacher could tell me and I took it to heart. Harvey Milk was the first openly gay political leader. He inspired me not because he was a gay activist but because he was courageous in the face of homophobia and ignorance. Then I could come be as brave as him. Everyone reaches a point in their life when they are fearful of what is going to happen. He didn't teach me it was all going to be alright, he taught me that people are going to hurt you, and scare you and threaten you and harm

Being different has never occurred to me before. I believed that since everyone is human, we are all connected, that we should not be judged based on what we look like. I was wrong.