You Should Not Be Here: A Short Story

At Crescent City I was starting to be labeled as the pregnant girl because I had lost the babies a month after school started. My mom chose to move to East Palatka that was the happiest day of my life to get away from there. I started school at Palatka High on September 18, 2014 within a day I was already in the dean’s office because of my cousin’s status on Facebook. After homecoming my ex-boyfriend broke up with me and I was fine I didn’t care. But then they all started to call me names when he broke up with my I was called Wal-Mart well now I’m fer-breeze because his friend through an air freshener at me and said we can smell you from over there when I got home I cried for about 3 hours I cried myself into a nap and when I woke up I had suicidal thoughts but I didn’t acted on them. Although I wish I had I didn’t I look like a big ball of sunshine but I’m not I get pushed to my limits and when I’m stretch to that limit I can’t handle things and I break I snap and I punch the wall or myself sometimes and I just think maybe it’s my fault maybe if I stop and think everything will be better and everything is getting better I have a feeling my life is going to turn around and god has a set plan for me

With shaking hands, I allowed the pair of grey scissors I had sharpened multiple times to slip through my hands, and away from my wrists, letting it lay widespread on my bed like a soaring bird. With just around a week of school left, a list with all the students who had straight “A’s” for all three years had been posted -- and I was not included. When my parents found out, they looked so disappointed, like they were ashamed that I was their child and the fact that I was even living under their roof. Burying my head into my hands and curling into a ball, I cried myself to sleep feeling ashamed and worthless, while wondering when I would be able to escape from the pain and unwillingness to live that I had felt since I was 12 years old. I had never revealed my struggles to others and was afraid that if I did, I would be abandoned for my differences, and left alone

Fourth grade was hard and there was a lot of reading involved. We were reading a book and taking turns reading aloud. I wasn't so worried about reading with all

Growing up, I was always the chubbier kid in the class. I wasn’t skilled at sports like everyone else and was considered a “loser”. It was extremely hard listening to all the mean comments and my self of steam eventually died down. At times, I couldn’t get the courage to get out of bed in the morning because I knew it would just be another day of humiliation. Life is like a roller coaster, we have times that are low and times that are high. But we would never know the feeling of a good time unless we’ve gone through the bad times.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had dreams and desires that I want to accomplish in my life before I get to old or die. In the eighth grade I had desires to become Valedictorian of my class by senior year. I wanted to speak at graduation in front of all my peers as a respectable young man. By the end of my sophomore year I was told that I was Valedictorian of my class for the time being. People soon found out and told me I had no chance, I wouldn’t stick with it, and that I couldn't do it because I wasn’t smart enough. This negativity only motivated me even more to accomplish my dream. I stayed up countless nights til two or three in the morning to do homework and study because I worked until eleven, every night. By senior year, my high

My bully vanquished me and progressed to states, and my chances at a $25,000 scholarship dwindled. The talent that separated me from everyone else did not just seem unspectacular; it was inferior. The bully had taken control of my life, excluding me from the varsity math team although my scores were better than half the team, and isolating me from all the friends I once had, leaving me aloof everywhere I was. Suddenly, I was a failure, an unathletic nerd who wore effeminate clothing, and a “loser” with no life. Mired in depression in subsequent years, I cried almost every night, refused to eat, and lost all the confidence that I never had in me. I desperately needed to find a new talent, one that could give me the identity I was sorely

My junior year of high school felt cursed. It was a slow year full of disappointment and loss, leaving me in a dark abyss of self-loathing and loneliness. Like any other teenager, my parents argue a lot. Like any other teenager, they place me in the middle. One day it’d be “I’m still with them because we need to raise you.” the next day it’d be “I would be happy if I didn’t still have to take care of you.” It felt like a petty reason to be sad, but those words always made me feel that my existence was a burden- they've made me wonder if things would be better if I just ceased to exist. That disposition grew with the year; I no longer could deal with the extended hours and efforts that came with being in the band program or even focus on school work. Then, my cousin passed away. Not too soon after, my uncle passed as well. Within the next two months, my other uncle also passed on. This was the climax of my descent into depression, and it felt like my life was caving in. I quit all of my extra-curricular activities, I cut off all of my friends, and I let my grades drop.

“Excuse me. I’m very busy. I’m sorry I can’t help you,” she said, and then rushed past me like I was on fire and she might burst into flame too if she didn’t hurry off.

My Life was beautiful, perfect even. Friends were always plenty and I was on track to go to one of the top colleges in the nation! My teachers all adored me; with every award I won my life became better. It was perfect; everything was perfect. But that didn’t last. The next day, I had my first blink. It was like a blow that directly hit my heart. The words that came out of their mouths destroyed my perfect ego, my perfect character, my perfect life.

Everyday at school, I felt like I was watching a silent movie. I can see my classmates talking and laughing as they go about their day, but no matter how hard I try, their words sounded like nothing more than white noise. My parents were too busy to help me, and assumed I would just quickly adjust. While we were well off in China, with my mother the only one working here, there was barely enough money after rent. Instead of a four-bedroom apartment that I was used to, three of us shared a one-room studio. One morning on my second week of school, I was talking to my classmates, when they suddenly started pointing at me and laughing. Months later, I found out that they were laughing at a boy who had fallen off the swing right behind me. But at that moment, not understanding what they were saying, I thought they were making fun of me, laughing at the way I spoke. Never in my life had I ever felt so inadequate and helpless. All I wanted was to go back to the life that I once knew, to escape from the myriad of changes bombarding

“Why are you having trouble studying?” I asked her. “Is the material difficult? I could he--”

“Not even close. I am super flustered with it all. I have two today and three tomorrow.” I said while grabbing a spoon. “I currently have notes, over notes, over notes. And the thing is I know I i’m going to fail”

I always thought to myself, “I’m never going to pass this test,” “Why do my friends lie to me? They know I’m far from pretty,” or “Am I ever going to be happy?” I had an immense amount of self-doubt throughout ninth grade, having a first boyfriend, when tenth grade began, and sometimes this year I self-doubt myself. I always hurt myself, I never thought anybody can ever like me, or be friends with me, I always criticized myself with loathe. I never realized this until one of my favorite teachers, spoke highly of me in a way I’ve never been told. She said with kindness, “Natalia, you doubt yourself too much, you come to school every day on time and you go to the Metro bus, you do all your work on time, and you get grades. You’re a better student than you think.” That was when I started to look at things from different perspectives, I’m a role model to my sister, my grandma and parents are extremely proud of me, and all my true friends have shown me love and friendship is like. Just thinking about all those important factors in my life made me realize that I needed to look at things more positively and depend on others for

Throughout the beginning of my freshman year, I felt a very deep sense of alienation. As a transfer student, I knew only my brother. What little self-confidence I had left began to dwindle. Kids at school took notice my low self-esteem and I became their new target. Luckily, the extent to which I was bullied was minimal; however, accompanied by my already-existing despondence, it drastically affected me. I lost all motivation in school.

High School arrived like an unexpected package at my doorstep. I had regressed into the familiar state of grievance due to the losses of my biological mother and brother, but high school showed up offering a new chapter to my life. As my year proceeded, I began to be bullied. This, along with the grieving process, threw me into a depression that followed alongside with anxiety. People told me I was strong, but since they had no clue that I actually didn’t feel as strong as they were saying, I decided I needed expectations. These expectations included ideas such as making good grades and speeding of the grieving process. I dove into my studies and conformed to the mechanic ways high school administrators inconspicuously advises us to become. I didn’t realize focusing solely on school meant further deteriorating my mental health.