Personal Narrative: Generalized Anxiety

I’m an onion. At first, I seem quiet, timid, and reserved. Like an onion, I have layers.The more I’m comfortable with my surroundings, I will shed these alleged outer layers . My quiet, soft voice becomes stern and confident. My demeanor changes from reserved to self- assured. I know that UNC- Wilmington will allow me to grow into, this strong, independent, and anxiety-free woman that I so long to be.

I've struggled with Generalized Anxiety Disorder for years. It started when I was 11 years old...I bean over thinking things and became increasingly scared of social situations. In high school, it escalated quickly. I knew all too well the horror of anxiety attacks and many times I was too afraid to even get out of bed.

As I faced the world of adulthood, I felt lost and unsettled. I was then diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and living with this disorder is my biggest weakness in life. Some days I am fine, others I am constantly worrying about the tiniest of things. I am overcoming this disorder, everyday might be a battle, but I will not let it define me.

Hello! I’m so excited to be back. Oh how I’ve missed writing! This post will be more of an update on what has happened these last few months, so, lets get started. After getting out of Rogers Memorial Hospital for my OCD and Anxiety, I had one week home and then I went right off to college. It was a pretty scary step for me. Just a few months earlier I couldn’t handle anyone mentioning the word “school”, let alone actually attend. But that is exactly what I did, and surprisingly, I felt ready.

It always started and ended with a stirring, deep in her belly. The candle sitting in her core had been spontaneously lit and the fire was gradually growing, standing taller and spreading a slow heat in her chest. Instinctively, she pulled her gut in, attempting to suffocate the flame, but realized that the effort was futile as her fingers began to tremble. Not now, she thought. What could it have possibly been this time? She knew that the question had no exact answer as she recalled the article that she had read months before, “Anxiety attacks usually occur suddenly and without warning.” Still, she couldn’t help but wonder if her senses had betrayed her, if some part of her had picked up something in the crowded room that had served as a

My heart beats with ferocity as I nervously wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. I quickly take in my surroundings and think to myself, “I hate the doctor’s office.” I know my face is covered with a look of worry; it is impossible to conceal. My mother attempts to silently console me, glancing in my direction with a half smile. She is acting as if everything is perfectly fine. Her anxious eyes give away her true feelings, but I make an effort to smile back and mask my emotions. I know she is being positive and praying for the best. I am preparing myself for the worst.

Just to warn you I cannot write (as you can probably tell) but these "creative rants" are just how I express myself and get my feelings out.

that was years ago. when the best part of my day was still waking up to see your face. the year when the snow covered the ground at easter and we spent all night sat in out blankets in the cold, watching shitty rom coms and tv series. i used to have no worries or fears because i k new that wherever i was, you’d be there with me so i would never face my fears alone. there were times where i was so scared. maybe due to my social anxiety or maybe do to the depressing thoughts that made me numb. but you were always by my side.

Excited- very enthusiastic and eager. This is how I felt on the morning of October 23rd, 2015. We didn’t have but two classes together so I couldn’t be nervous or I wouldn’t be able to ask. I just had to be a man and get over my anxiety. We had English and study hall together and that is when I knew I had to take action. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest with anxiety.

It is deathly quiet in my apartment, just like always. Every night I come home to silence, no one to greet me ‘hello’ or a ‘how was your day’. My father left my family when I was only a baby, and my mother was a bad influence, so my aunt decided to take custody of me and my little sister. Living with my aunt was a blast, my little sister and I always had fun there. Only a couple years of living with her, my aunt and little sister passed away because of a car accident.

“Can I still do it” “why am I even here” “Its just a cycle I should've been used to it by now”

Throughout most of my life I struggled with social anxiety, which made it extremely difficult to feel comfortable in group settings or when interacting with people I’m not acquainted with. This happens often when I’m talking with a stranger or someone I don’t know extremely well, and it feels like I’m hitting a roadblock when trying to come up with things to say and keep the conversation rolling. However, when discussing this fear with my group, it was relieving to hear that other people had similar problems as well. For the most part, the fears all related to interactions made with others; one member said he found it challenging to express his emotions, while another had difficulties interacting with officers. It was more comfortable exposing these vulnerabilities when others were doing the same, and my fear itself seemed less eminent and substantial the more I spoke about it.

This article is another personal story about anxiety. Mandy didn’t want people to know she had terrible anxiety because she didn’t want to be treated differently from everyone else. She was so scared of the stigma she could get from it that it made it worse. The end of the article discusses what people could have done to help her and make sure she was doing

So I'm just gonna be real with y'all, I deal with anxiety. This has been an on going battle for as long as I can remember. Part of my anxiety happens in social environments. I can not tell you how many times I've just stayed home instead of going out with my friends because I was "scared" or scared I would be freak out or have a panic attack. I've missed out on so much fun stuff because of my anxiety and I know it. I HATE that!! I've tried medications for it but it just puts me to sleep, so up until now I've just dealt with it.

Last night I tried to jump out of a moving car going approximately 70 mph about to go over the Tappan Zee Bridge. This wasn’t due to a daredevil trick or anything of the sort; I was at the apex of a panic attack in which I genuinely felt as if I would die if I stayed in that car any longer. How ironic. The day after, instead of powering through my planned daily schedule, I found myself staring at nothing for hours, holding back tears. I felt so weak, vulnerable, and raw. I was scared. I am scared.