I Had Lost Who I Believed I

Having traveled down a declining slope in my sophomore year, I was suddenly motivated to prop myself back up. I was for the first time emancipated of my pride and began to actively search for means to amend my “defeat”. When I finally received final semester grades, I was proud of not simply the hard work I’ve put into achieving these grades, but more importantly, how I picked myself up and rose above the ebbs and flows of my academic career.

As I revisit my past, I realize that every decision I made created a rough road for my passage into adulthood. I became a waitress at 15 years old; which at that time was considered the second most stressful job in America, the first being Air Traffic Controller. Additionally, I quit school at 16 years old; needing more time to be able to support myself. Moreover, I began a relationship with a man that was ten years older than me. These three major decisions in my life created complicated life options in my adult life. For instance, when I turned 44 years old, being a server severely damaged my back; causing me to endure back surgery; thus, giving me few career choices until I can retire. Lastly, my selection in a mate resulted in having a baby; which changed every aspect for the rest of my

My mother became depressed, my father became disabled, and my brother was skipping school. I continued going to school from eight until four, which was a big relief in my life because it made me forget the hard times. My grades slowly began to decline, as well as my motivation. I gave up many opportunities such as attending New York’s number one specialized high school. I recognized my mistakes and was able to identify my failure. School was not the only place where I lacked interest in because I also slowly started to push my friends away. As a young teenager, I did not think I would ever make it to college. I became frustrated at my parents because my life was ruined and it was all their fault.

Imagine a confused teenager, I mean, isn’t that everyone at one point? I had lost my direction in life and no longer knew what I wanted to do. I tried to explore many different careers but they all seemed to resolve in dead ends and dissatisfaction. School became difficult, not because the coursework was hard, but because it began to bore me. I was no longer being challenged in my classes and that made the work dull. I hadn’t

I knew I was at an incredible disadvantage in high school because not only were my recovery times slow and often ended in lingering symptoms for years (diagnosed as post concussion syndrome), but just missing the initial school after the injuries would put me behind when I was in no position to catch up. I tried to keep pushing through to meet my goals, but I consistently fell short of where I wanted to be. I wanted to do better than I was doing, but I didn’t. I wanted to feel normal, but I didn’t. It was agony. I felt overwhelming sadness, “why me?” I would think, wallowing in self-pity and tormented by my circumstances. I never expected an answer, but eventually I found one. All I had to do was forget the

Like all kids my age, I’ve dreamed of success. I always subconsciously wanted to be known or be recognized for something. However, it was clear that I set up my life in a way that was inconceivable. My daily behavior revolved around apprehension. But, after reading this book, I reevaluated my attitude toward life. I didn’t have an immediate revelation, but it was clear that my personality was formed solely by negativity. In my mind, I was just a teenager “being myself,” but this was not going to give me the fulfillment that I envisioned. Deep down, I wanted to explore. I wanted to see new places and meet new people. However, I was set up as someone that will have a life that would be dictated by the fear of uncertainty. After this realization, it was clear I had two

The unfortunate event began a completely new and terrifyingly dreadful life experience in which all my previous hard endeavors of securing the structurally sound habit of dedication, commitment, and studying I exercised extensively during my senior year, with the inner weapon of possessing powerful agency to absorb material with an extreme passion and letting my heart beat madly on long-distance runs whenever possible were indeed losing their color at a quickening pace. Suddenly I began to doubt my worth and the world’s lessons soon disappeared from my unawakened consciousness. The delicate networks of improvement and inner faith were becoming swept into a tide wayward, far out to sea where the light of my touch couldn’t embrace it.

At that time, I was unsettled because my classmates were hitting significant milestones while I was having a difficult time finding something I was passionate about. These thoughts clouded my head consistently but eventually, I was able to break free from them when my mother asked me to clean the last floor of the house one day. It was during that activity in which I came across the photographs that I neglected for so long. I was confused about what was inside the carton at first but when I lifted the tabs up and examined the contents, a flood of memories and emotions started rushing back. This time around, I felt different Having passed the phase of dreading the process of maturing, I felt a bit of hope from my childhood

At a certain point in people’s lives, time seems to stop and they become stagnant, almost as if they can’t progress any further. It’s at this point that they are given a choice to move forward, and at a young age I was also given that choice. When I was in elementary school, I was told by many people trying wouldn’t get me anywhere because I was naturally bad at many things. I was told that I had no talent and even if I did get better I couldn’t be compared to my peers. This idea didn’t seem right to me and I immediately questioned it, however for a long time I let their words get to me. I remained one of the slowest runners in my grade, I had some of the worst grades, and I thought it was just how the world worked. Although, I let their words affect me, I didn’t really believe them.

It wasn’t uncommon to stay at work past three in the morning, regardless of school. After a twelve hour shift every night, I struggled with being coherent for class, my eyes formed bags, and lunch had become nap time. Senior year arrived and I’d be doing all my homework at the bar or on the pooltable. I was in a self conflicting battle between my love of work, money, and struggle to graduate. Anxiety had gotten so unbearable, it led to my single worst panic attack of my life. I reluctantly gave my farewell to the strip club and waitressed at a mexican restaurant; which barely paid my bills, and certainly wasn’t contributing to savings for college. Grades improved and I slept more, but life felt

The day after graduating high school I sat on the floor of my room, with a note pad in my hand to make sure I made the most out of my words, and stutter the least, and the phone in the other to call what was then my dream college. The call ended with me in tears. I couldn’t attend college because I was too young; I needed to be at least 16. Spending a semester on what felt as not moving forward frustrated me.

My wants had always seemed to take the backseat to my responsibilities, with my parents in the driver 's seat. My schedule was planned and predictable: school, homework, dinner, chores, sleep and repeat. I felt like a robot with the controller in my parents hands instead of my own. My resentment towards my parents grew stronger with every passing minute. I no longer saw my house as a home instead a prison in which I was sentenced to. And to question their parenting strategies would have been my death sentence. I felt like because of my sex and the possibility that I could end up pregnant, even though I didn 't have a boyfriend, the leash was held tighter.  I was entering high school and my urge for freedom and

In 10th grade I had completely given up on myself, I stopped trying in school and would do anything not to go. I rarely wanted to go out with my friends. I never felt happy or that I had any sort of purpose in life. I felt like no matter how hard I tried I would never make a mark on this world. I guess it was because I didn’t really have any direction in my life. With all of my peers having their future lined up for themselves I felt like I was all alone not knowing what my future was going to look like.

On May 13, 2010, a very dear friend of mine was in a fatal car accident on his way to school. His name was Andrew; He was 17 years old, a junior in high school that also played a lineman position for the football team. His death was tragic; not just to me, but to our entire community. As well as the other communities that surrounded ours. After his death my state of mind was different. I started not to care and eventually I didn’t care. Because of my not caring I started failing, and not long after I quit high school. I worked at a fast food place for a while after quitting school and then I realized, I was a failure I did not want to work at a fast food place the rest of my life. But I had no high school diploma. Therefore fast food places were the only places that would hire me. I decided then that I was not going to settle for this type of life for myself anymore. I signed up for GED classes in October, and at the end of November took the GED test. On December 20 2013 I found out I passed the GED test. After passing the test I signed up for college and I currently attend college today. I also have a different job today as well. I work for a gas station as a cashier. I left the fast food place as soon as I got the opportunity. With this being said it shows that failure functions as temporary detour in life it is not permanent unless you choose to let be, failure is also stepping stones that are necessary in life to achieve things, as well as how you learn experience

To be the person that I am now, I had to reflect and accept accountability of my past actions. My past is one that many would love to erase from their memory, a past, which remained dormant, until I found myself. The steps involved in regaining myself encompassed letting go of my anger and self pity. I had to look within myself and see my self’s worth, which lead to my belief that I ran away to college to forget my past. During the years