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Personal Narrative: Equilibrium

Decent Essays

Emmaline Bennett Equilibrium 1 “But one day the ‘why’ arises and everything begins in that weariness tinged with amazement...” April 1957. Seven years after the screaming came across the sky. I’m standing in front of a mirror in a bathroom at the Stanford University Medical Center, trying to look for something—some kind of recognition, some kind of familiarity, some kind of life. Nothing. —Tell me what it is you feel when you look in the mirror. —I don’t feel anything. —You don’t feel anything? Do you recognize yourself? —No. There’s nothing there. —Nothing? —Yeah, nothing. I don’t think anything can make that change. This, I thought, was just the thing that ECT treatment was supposed to prevent. I stood at the mirror for another minute, tracing …show more content…

Behind the curtain of incessant smoke, Oppenheimer could look out the window of his Los Alamos home and see trees and grass, unnatural- looking in the midst of a rust-colored desert. New Mexico was more alive now than it would ever be. Oppenheimer knew that in August, this would all be red dust again. He lit another cigarette. 3 “If I convince myself that this life has no other aspect than that of the absurd, if I feel that its whole equilibrium depends on that perpetual opposition between my conscious revolt and the darkness in which it struggles, if I admit that my freedom has no meaning except in relation to its limited fate, then I must say that what counts is not the best living, but the most living...” After the war, we moved to White Rock, New Mexico, where the ground was the color of rust and all the suburban lawns and well-kept golf courses looked like they were fighting the desert. The people there had nuclear fallout written into their faces, forgetfulness written into their bones. We stayed there for a while, and tried to forget, too. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep, I would get out of bed and wander around the house. On those nights I was more dead than ever—not even half-awake, half-conscious. Sometimes I would wander outside, and look at the

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