Personal Narrative: Overcoming Social Anxiety Disorder

Living with anxiety is a battle everyday. I wake up and I’m not sure if today will be good or bad. It can start out good, but the next thing I know, I’m having a panic attack. The world around me starts to cave in, and the noise I hear becomes static; it’s as if I’m being swallowed whole. Suffering from a panic attack is incredibly embarrassing. Nobody understands what I’m going through, they all think it’s in my head or that I’m being dramatic. What they don’t understand is that, it’s a real problem. Just like any other illness, anxiety is paralyzing; so are panic attacks. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed because I’m afraid that today is the day everything will end, so it’s just safer to stay in bed. My anxiety is unpredictable,

Since coming to America, I have moved to an ample amount of places because my father’s job concerns. I changed school frequently and in each new school I was never greeted with a warm welcome. With one glance my classmates saw I was different from them. I was often bullied and teased because of my racial difference from my classmates, from these experiences I became a quiet and docile girl. This way I thought I would not get in anyone’s way. I had closed up in the world in front of me; I never expressed my own opinions and always agreed with the majority. However secretly inside of me, I was frustrated not being able to express myself and yet I was unable to change. I craved to be what I was in the inside to be on the outside. Still by

I was very shy and awkward during my adolescent years. A cringe-worthy yet endearing moment of reflection of suppressed memories. I was the fourth child out of five, to two immigrant parents. We were a low income family with no budget for vacations or expensive school trips. Socially I was not accepted. I was always the outlier. Subsequently, I was bullied and it impaired my childhood for quite sometime. I felt as if I was sentenced to social death that I just could not replevy before the end of adolescent years. Other students taunted and jeered at me habitually; even with uncontrollable factors. I specifically remember my Haitian heritage being one of the domineering methods of my torture. I recall that being subjected

Throughout my teenage years, I was the embodiment of the average introvert. The pressure to succeed and become a first generation college student in my family was overwhelming, and the constant battle of not being good enough defeated me. My parents only spoke Spanish, and were unable to help me with my school assignments. As I struggled with my academics silently, my self-consciousness and insecurities grew. The fear of speaking out in public was a lingering shadow that developed more, as I grew older. Being that English was my second language, I had always felt inferior to those who spoke English as their primary language.

This feeling was unusual because as a youngster, I spent most of my childhood going on acting auditions and

In my freshmen year, I got my first stage management job, as a production assistant on one of my school’s mainstage productions. The majority of those I was working with were graduate students and/or faculty. I was extremely intimidated and I struggled to do any task without apprehension, due to my generalized anxiety disorder. After noting this behavior, I began working on my confidence, in order to mitigate my trepidation, by way of reflection and therapy. When asked to tape out the prop table, rather than asking dozens of questions about which color of tape to use and the ideal position for the breakable wine glass, I just began the task, trusting my judgement. Sometimes I was corrected and had to redo my work, but most of the time, my work

My whole life I’ve felt like an outsider. When I was younger dealing with a learning disability, I have had a hard time making and keeping friends even to this day. I struggle with being a follower instead of a leader. My own adoptive father verbally abused me growing up and I also had kids in fifth-sixth grade who constantly bullied me. I still am reminded of an instance when the first day of fifth grade approached: I got on the bus and these older girls started making fun of my pants saying, “She’s wearing high-waters.” I was humiliated in front of my peers every day since than during those two years. After being bullied for so long I made a vow to myself to never forget the pain inflicted upon me on a daily basis.

I have come to the conclusion I do not like where I am in life anymore. I believe it is time to jump down the rabbit hole. For most my life I have been coping with depression and anxiety. Based on my struggles I consider depression and anxiety to be the most difficult diagnosed mental disorders to combat against. I’ve been working through my depression since my senior year of high school. To be frank, when I first started college in the summer of 2015 I was so mentally exhausted to the point where I did not want to leave my bed in the mornings. I was numb to all excluding a constant feeling of despondency. My family is always fighting with each other, to the point of willingly putting down each other to make themselves feel better.

This problem began when I started middle school: it stems from my hatred of embarrassment and humiliation. As an Asian child I ran into stereotypes and constant judgement that I could not push aside: altogether making we wish as if I was anyone else. All I wanted to do was fit into society and be accepted for my flaws. I was constantly told that I was worthless and was humiliated and embarrassed when being the center of attention. In addition, being a shy and quiet person did not help my situation. It i easier to not say anything at all rather than jump at the chance to say something. At least this way I could not be judged for something so miniscule. For instance, in eighth grade my English teacher made each individual in the class have a minimum of three participations in a Socratic Discussion or they would receive a zero for a grade. Throughout the school year, seven Socratic Discussions were conducted

Throughout my life, people assumed deficiency in those who came from another country. I was raised differently than other kids at my school, speak a different language, respect, appreciate moments and people in the specific way. With time, I have come to realize that all I strived for and loved was always by my side - my family. My family always stayed by me, even when we had to be separated for years. When my parents found out that we finally can move to America and reunite with our extended family, my happiness was endless, same as, my fear. The fear of being odd compared to high school students or being a loner in the hallways preoccupied my mind. Being an extrovert, I struggled as I imagined that I won’t be socializing with peers as much as I used to. Finally, when we moved to the USA it’s all started. Many people were impressed that I arrived from Russia and knew English very well, but they still in the way called me

Although there is a plethora of mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and alcoholism that run rampant in my family; I never spoke about mental illness with either of my parents until I was diagnosed with social anxiety, OCD, and panic disorder at 18. At that age I wasn’t even aware that anxiety was more than just feeling nervous or that it was a treatable diagnosis. After describing the symptoms of what I now know to be a panic attack to my general doctor, she referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me three pills, two were for anxiety, and one which was for my panic attacks.

When I was just figuring out what was happening, I was never happy. Every time I laughed or smiled, it wasn’t genuine. Not being happy as a child was really tough because I saw all my friends smiling and laughing and I was always jealous of that. My anxiety was basically taking over my life, so I tried to not let it be as bad as it was. As I got older, it got worse, but my confidence was more evident. Starting junior high, I was still struggling with the anxiety and my insecurities. I remember on the first day of school I sat in the bathroom for lunch because I didn't have any friends and I didn't want to eat with someone I didn't know. I soon made friends and didn't worry about having an anxiety attack every day at lunch. Making new friends has always been a hard thing for me. I can't simply go up to someone and start a conversation with them without feeling my blood rushing through my body or feeling like I’m bothering them. My mom always tells me to “make new friends”, but I don't think she realizes that I literally can't. I have no idea how I have friends right now because I can't talk to

I collapsed to the floor as my lungs shrunk two sizes and my tears couldn’t even be released due to my inability to breathe, let alone stand. This was my first real panic attack, and my body had succumbed to my mind. Backstage, just minutes before my first play, I began to think about all of the improvisation necessary for my role, and how I had to be in character continually (so as not to ruin the play for everyone else), and I couldn’t handle it. My lines had been erased from my mind, and my vision went blurry from tears and fear. Just then, two people had surrounded me, squatting to get on my level. Dizzy and ready to faint, my two best friends had helped me get a grip of reality again. They reminded

It was on nov. 11th, 2012. I found out how bad my anxiety was but before I get into this story let me tell you about my day and how this day was a day to remember. Something told me this day was going to be off by the way I started my day, usually I wake up and brush my teeth first oh yeah and I always wake up the first time my alarm goes off. But this day I happened to hit snooze on my alarm for another 10-15 mins. Okay so I got up and I seen I was almost late to my meeting at the empire state building remind you it’s a very important and we were working on our presentation to present to the head of or bored I could be late. I made my coffee and got dressed I brush my teeth last min I still had toothpaste on my mouth while walking out the

At the beginning of my freshman year of high school, it was like I had traveled to a different universe where everyone spoke a different language. And sadly, without google translate, I had no idea about how to understand the seemingly endless crowds of unfamiliar teachers, students, and social customs.This, as I have discovered is unfortunately not just a high school thing. That momentary time period of begging unexplained unable to comprehend comes with every new experience. Even after I survived freshman year and gained some sense of who I was to the school and social system, I continued to encounter situations that rendered me completely vulnerable to the fear of the unknown. This can be found in cooking food, walking down the street at