The Boy Monologue

Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, Jackie Robinson, Derek Jeter, and Cy Young. All of these men are amazing players. There the best of the best, and I’m going to be just like them. Riker Archie Smit, I can already see my name hanging with the rest of them. I’ve been called extraordinary, talented, amazing, and a star.

In society, people are made to believe that they are what they are, that what they become is not their doing, but an inevitable product of living. I don't believe that. People are who they want to be, what they make themselves. They can let themselves be made by the masses, assimilating to the norm because “that’s what everyone else is doing”. But I don't want to be that, I want to be the person that I want to

I am trapped in a world full of disappointment. Everything is wrong, but no one seems to notice. Maybe they suspect, but they don’t ask. No matter how loud my screams become, nobody pauses and listens to the words. It’s hopeless. This life, this fantasy, this dream. The thought that maybe someday I’ll be okay. That maybe someday I’ll feel happy. It’s dangerous. It’s treacherous. It’s disappointing.

I wasn’t perfect by any means despite what the lyrics said, but that’s a hard pill to swallow when you’re a perfectionist. I kept my foot on the gas and kept moving forward. I love this city. It’s small enough to be “homie”, but big enough that I would pass a new face everyday. I’m lucky to live here. I’m lucky to live. And then I became stuck on the question, “Why do I exist? Why do we all exist?”. I couldn’t figure out if it was for the benefit of someone else or if we were placed on Earth to find answers. But we wouldn’t get answers to the questions we ask, and I was still lost in the words society has told me about myself. None of it felt right. This is what I thought about that night, that June 24th starless night, just driving around the city that made me fall in love with driving on Thomasville road, and the way the streetlights created spotlights along the black

When I looked in the mirror, I saw a scrawny skyscraper who towered over her friends and peers. My hips were straight as a ruler, and my arms were so long that they practically touched the ground. The image I created for myself was something you would see in a funhouse mirror. My confidence was about a 2 out of 10, and I was panicking. Losing all of your friends, having trouble getting along with your parents, all while trying to focus on doing well in school, left me no room to worry about or deal with my emotions. Feeling like I did not belong in a particular group was the least of my worries because I did not belong in any group at all. I made myself an outcast because I could not accept who I was. How was I supposed to get out of this hole I dug for myself? Believe it or not, I thought about how six year old me survived the taunting and teasing of first grade and what got me through it: a Spongebob Squarepants episode. The meaning was more than just making people believe you are something you are not. It is about proving to yourself that you can do more than you give yourself credit for. There was more to me than just being able to reach the top shelf and have to sit in the middle seat because that was the most comfortable.

No matter how many tears you’ve cried, how many memories you have remembered, no matter what has happened in your life, despite of looks, I want you to know something. . To feel like you don’t belong anywhere, and you never have enough friends. I know what it’s like to be hurt. Heartbroken. Bullied endlessly. I know what it’s like to feel like you can do nothing right, or to feel like this is all too much

I’ve always felt like I don’t matter. I walked into my house when I growing up and instantly I was on my own. My mother would go through depressive episodes where she lock herself away from for days and when she came out, she was a shell of herself. I lived without love. She’d go through weeks of boyfriends and one by one I’d see them come and go. Only one stayed, but he was the worst. I’d wake up sometimes to him breaking plates or shouting drunkenly. My father died before I knew him and this was the only thing I had close to a father. He’d scream and yell and his roar sent me shivering back. He’d break me down and belittle me. To him I was just a disappointment. I wish it was different. I wish I could do something. The New School is my place

I see the road people start to travel down, see what that future will hold. And I can't tell them that it's’ a mistake. I see how some people hide who they truly are because they don’t even know who that person is. There's a boy who’s name is Roy, He goes around acting like a complete jerk. And everyone finds him to be arrogant, an imbecile, someone who cares about no one but himself. He goes around acting like he’s the king of parties and girls. And that may be somewhat of a truth. But that's not the full story, it can’t be. How can a guy like that, who believes like that, have the caring heart that I have seen in him? He will go to a little kid, lean over and ask for a high five. He then talks to this kid, as if it were his own sibling. And where a scowl is always place on his face, is replaced with a smile. And I see this all the time. I also notice when someone's upset he’ll look at them and ask very quietly “ are you okay?” With true genuine on his face. And sometime when he thinks no is looking at him. He lets those walls that he built, down. When this happen, he doesn't look arrogant but stressed out, lonely even.

Being created was not only the greatest blessing but also the biggest cruelty I have endured in my life so far. All I wanted was to fit into society; however, everytime I meet someone they are scared of me. Every time I try to make a connection with a human I am ran off or ran away from. Recently, I stumbled upon a book of poetry. The book is helping me start to understand humanity in greater detail. People are not as happy on the inside as they appear to be on the outside. Now that I know I am not the only one who feels alone on this planet I am determined to make the most of this life given to me. I can’t give up just because everything has been complicated so far. I dream that I will one day fit in, in this strange place I now call home.

In this world of doubt and loneliness my family is always there for me, holding their arms open with love. I remember on the first day of high school at Central High School in Macon, GA I was so afraid of going inside. My heart raced with fear. The only reason I entered was because my mom and sister walked in with me. I felt more comfortable with my families’ strong support. Knowing someone’s supporting me makes me happy. It assures me that I will always have a backbone.

“Yes there is a world out there even if you decide you don’t want meet, it is still going to hit you right in the face.” (Ryan Hyde & Dixon, 2000) This world in its vastness is full of many walks of life and every single person is uniquely made. I grew up being told that I was an answered prayer by God. I did not know truly what that meant, but I always knew I was a unique gift from God, which was a complex concept for a child to wrap their brain around.

We’re all special. We all have hopes and dreams. Or even if we don’t now, we did at one point. But the lies that they use, every single day, they change us. They make us not except that we are god enough. For anyone and everyone.

There were times where I felt like there was a glass between me and everybody else around me. Except with this glass it felt like I was the only one able to see through it, and see everything. But everyone else payed little to no attention to me. They didn’t put an effort to know who I really was, and I was okay with that, for a while. I went to school pretending to be someone I was not. I went home, and even with my own family I was not myself. I felt different from the people I grew up with. I didn’t want to believe it at first, so those thoughts were pushed aside. People make you feel like there is something wrong with you when they find out you’re not like them. I didn’t want that. The one thing I wanted was to fit in, and be accepted.

When more than anything, a child just wants to fit in and is not allowed to by peers, a child starts to question themselves. That was what happened to me. I questioned what could I do to not be worthless, what could I do to be liked by my peers. When none of my attempts worked and nearly all of my friends left me in seventh grade, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do when my best friend of ten years said she didn’t want to be friends and starting hanging out with my biggest bully. I began to wonder what was the point of life. Why was trying so hard when it was obvious I would never fit in? Was it even worth trying anymore? More than once I considered suicide. I thought there was no place in the world for me. Only two things prevented me. One was my parents. I couldn’t fathom hurting so much. They had done nothing but support me. I didn’t want to inflict that pain on them. Secondly, I didn’t want to let down a little girl. Within me, there was still a little girl who dreamed of working in lab. A little girl who wanted to make a difference in the world and have a family with a farm of big dogs. This little girl in me refused to die. No matter how mean

In this collection you will see the real me from outside to inside. you will get to experience the dark and light side of me and my emotions. With all hopes you will learn about my views on humanity and human emotion, in the way that I want you to. Please understand that this is written in the mindset on a teenager who has been taught at a young age that their value in society in the same as dirt or a doormat.