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What Felt Like An Eternity

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In what felt like an eternity, I heard the doorbell. This time, he had the manners to ring instead of just walking in. Honestly, I preferred it the other way, when he felt more comfortable. It took me a moment, but I opened the door for him. He looked okay. I suppose at first glance I looked okay, too, but he was definitely more convincing. I briefly greeted him, but hardly heard what we both had said. It was small talk and I hated it. It was forced and I hated it. He looked uncomfortable and I hated it. We sat down on the couch, not at all as close as we would have before, and I hated it. I just hated this whole encounter. "Have you been hurting yourself again?" he asked quietly. He had never known me while I had self harm issues before, he had only heard of them and seen my scars. He must have no idea what to do. I feel bad, I 'm probably making him guilty. He probably thinks I 'm trying to get his attention or something. I hate this. "Sorry." That was all I could say. I was sorry for a lot, pretty much sorry for my whole existence. Sorry for everything I had done that probably really annoyed him and made him regret ever meeting me. We were silent for a few minutes, and I hated that, too. We used to be able to sit like this and hear each other 's breath and feel each other 's presence and it was okay. Now the air is stiff and heavy and I can feel his reluctance and my desperation and I hate it. "Say something!" I begged him. He looked at me like some vulnerable,
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