My Bess Gone Monologue

I told her that as long as she keeps the door to her life open, he will continue to come back and let himself in. she says its hard, that she’s afraid to let him go and stand alone. My question to her was, ‘are you happy now? He sleeps with you when he needs a fix, but lives with another woman and their child. You can’t tell me that you’re happy. It may hurt for a while, but trust me; you’ll thank God that you did it in the end. I’m sorry about your loss, and please don’t get upset when I say this, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. You should deem this your second chance.’ I could feel she didn’t like my delivery, but I also felt that I was heard. All I can do is hope and pray that my words solidify in the back of her mind.’’

And then she turned to me. I felt special that she had saved me for last. I smiled at her, and she did the same to me. We had grown inseparable over the past few years especially, but now it was time to say goodbye. I knew at that point that nothing at all would change, that we would still be sisters, still be best friends, still be inseparable. Who cares if we’re 5 ½ hours away? This was us.

She lays helplessly, hopelessly tranced. What will remain of her in the coming hours is unknown, but one thing is for certain, I will remain by her side until she is an empty house, cold and unseeing. Though sorrow may fill my bones, all that I let show through is a sense of tranquil energy in lieu of the recent events. She mumbles and murmurs longing for the life long past. Embarrassment occupies her brain as she contemplates why and how her life has come to this. She reeks of stupidity and frailness when her life was nothing close to that. She fears that what we leave behind is more important that what we were. Is it though? Regardless of what she was or what she has become, I am here and I will always be here.

Stork was flying gracefully with a small puppy barking in its blanket, with a small look of guilt.

Normally, the saying goes something like “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone”. I mean, it makes sense if the thing that’s gone isn’t a lowlife asshole who couldn’t give you a second thought, but could give you the taste of blood in your mouth.

Yet, she still didn’t complain. She knew her life was in God’s hands, that through her struggle He could bring good. And that’s exactly what He did, many were saved at her beautiful funeral because of her. I’m sure that made her smile in heaven. In the ninth stanza, it says “ And Jesus took his own hand and wiped away her tears, And he smoothed the furrows from her face, And the angels sang a little song, And Jesus rocked her in his arms, And kept a-saying: Take your rest, Take your rest.” This is probably one of the most comforting things to hear right now. She had died peacefully in her sleep and then she had awoken in Jesus’ arms in heaven. Her death was a slap in the face to all of us since she had been doing so well. But I think God gives us that time to see the people we love, who are suffering, happy and more like themselves so we can say our goodbyes. He gives us those last memories of them as happy ones. And as the first and last stanzas say, “Weep not--weep not, She is not dead; She’s resting in the bosom of Jesus.” I know I’ve done my fair share of weeping, and I know I still will in the future, it hurt tremendously to lose someone who was like a second mom to

She was my only reason to keep on living, and now she’s gone. I loved her so much, she was the only person that I loved. We had been together for twelve years, and now I’m alone. Now there is nobody, there is nothing in my life that has any meaning.

I promised you so many things that I would do in life, for you. Those next few days that followed would only get tougher to face. It started to become more real that when we left the hospital, you weren’t going to be coming home with us. I remember vomiting more times than I can remember that week. Every time I walked out of your room I had to find the nearest trashcan as the thought of you dying literally made me sick. My heart hurt so badly that at certain points I swear I could hear the pieces of it shattering on the ground, falling into millions of pieces.

I reached down to pick Elaine up off Krista, her body was limp and cool to the touch. I knew she was gone. I held her close to my chest rocking her back and forth, holding her ever so tight, when the statue she made me when we got married, fell out of her left hand. The inscription read----- No one knows what tomorrow holds, so make the most of every moment together. Love you, Love me. My heart was raw, raw with pain that I had never felt before; the loss of my life, my partner, my only

It seems pathetic really. Writing to a diary after all that’s happened. But I guess it’s kind of comforting. Because if I read back a page Sebastian’s still alive. And I’m still happy. And I can forget that he’s dead. It seems so much worse writing that. Admitting that he’s gone. For good. And never, ever coming back. If I could swap, I would in an instance. I’d be in a better place. And my eyes wouldn’t sting and my stomach wouldn’t hurt from crying. And Sebastian would move on. With his life which, don’t get me wrong, I would like to do, but how?

I don’t know how to continue now that she is dead. What could I have done to stopped her ? Nothing I guess. How does one keep moving after something like this. She called that night me and told me she loved me. I said I loved her and told her to go to bed because it was late. What would have happened if I stayed on the phone? Things might be different. We could be eating popcorn and watching horror movies right now. But now my life is a horror movie. Everywhere I go reminds me of her. I can't function in school. They thought that a week would be enough time. Going back to a place where I have so many memories with her has just made it worse. I met her here. Right here.

So it is with our love, for by absence we are parted, yet nevertheless it keeps its fervour, at least on my side, and I hope on yours also: assuring you that on my side the ennui of absence is already too much for me: and when I think of the increase of what I must needs suffer it would be well nigh unbearable for me were it not for the firm hope I have and as I cannot be with you in person, I am sending you the nearest possible thing to that, namely, my picture set in a bracelet, with the whole device which you already know. Wishing myself in their place when it shall please you. This by the hand of

But I know one thing for sure, I feel like she’s residing in my heart somewhere. But how can I reach her? Will I be able to reach her? At the funeral, these were the words I said,

With an overwhelming sense of missing the person you’ve loved there comes the crushing awareness of all that you’ve lost (Howarth, 2011). You would now give anything to be together again, if only long enough to be relieved of your loneliness and to be reassured that your loved one is still a part of your life.

I wish that she never leave this world, but her time just finished, and I'm happy because I know that she enjoyed her life, I will miss her big smile, always in her face those big eyes that tell everything about her, her eyes were amazing and big, when she was angry, she will just look at you like if she will kill you. She used to bother a lot, but that make her so amazing. I wish I could back in time and save her from everything, but we can't stop time , and she left this world, but I'm sure that now she is on another paradise and I'm sure that she is laughing really