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The Warrior's Legacy

Good Essays
Internal Comments:
No. While the piece presents a chilling and jarring image, it is ridden with grammatical and stylistic errors and is quite repetitive.

To the First Reader:
Dear Annie Fan, thank you for your commentary on submission 9949 (“The Warrior’s Legacy”).
Your comments are thorough and helpful to the reader. I was particularly impressed on how for each comment, you included something you liked about the phrase, what a modification the author could use in order to improve the phrase, and a generalization that could be applied to ameliorate the piece as a whole. Your comments about consistent structure and reducing repetition were incredibly insightful! In addition, your general comments will help the author work on the overall
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I feel as though the words are rather synonymous, and it is unlikely that most people will be able to understand what “brumal” means. This would detract from the reader’s comprehension and appreciation of the piece particularly because “brumal” is in the piece’s very first line. Thus, I recommend you consider replacing “brumal” with “wintry” or a more colloquial synonym.
L2 - The correct idiomatic phrasing is “blanket of fog” rather than “fog blanket”.
L3-4 - The image presented in this line is beautifully written-it is eerie and haunting, just like the light of the moon. However, I feel as though this sentence reads as a bit of a run-on; as a result, I would recommend rephrasing it or breaking it up into multiple sentences. One possible restructuring could be as follows: “The moon shone eerily and brightly. Its revealing and ghostly light pierced through the skin and souls of most men, but this was no ordinary man. He was a mighty warrior of the north.”
L5 - The latter half of this phrase is a run-on; in order to be grammatically correct, you should make a separation between “dead” and “he” - whether it be a period or a semi-colon, rather than simply a
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The placing of the piece in an entire block comes across as a little jarring to the reader, and may detract from their enjoyment of the piece by giving them a negative first impression. In addition, I would recommend combing through the piece for grammatical errors. Many of your sentences are run-ons or incomplete sentences wherein a semi-colon or complete break in the sentence should be used in place of the comma that you have used. I have addressed a few of these grammatical issues in the specific comments, but have stopped around line 12 of your piece and would recommend that you take up the task from there
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